Devastated; in need of advice
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| Wed, 08-15-2007 - 10:47am |
I am engaged to a wonderful man. Last night was the first night since November we did not spend the night together because he got so upset at me he walked out of my house (we do not live together yet). Before November (I was away on family vacation) we did not spend a night apart since June 2006.
I love wine - sometimes I drink too much but for the most part I am alright. He likes to smoke and I think its a bad habit especially considering he does it often. We made a deal not to do these activities during the week, but have kind of caved on it in the past. Last night I had a glass of wonderful red wine with my parents and their friends along with some appetizers before they headed out to dinner and my fiance was to come over so we could have dinner. He was very upset.
We went out to dinner...came back to my house and I thought we would be fine but he was quiet and obviously upset. I couldn't do anything but lay there watching TV knowing he was still angry and no one was aying anything.
Finally, I took the channel changer and switched off the TV in hopes he may talk to me at that point. Instead he got up, put on his shoes and left. I was crying and begged him not to go. He left and I have not heard from him at all yet today.
I dont know what to do :-(

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Welcome to the board abeth2004,
::We made a deal not to do these activities during the week, but have kind of caved on it in the past.
So he's upset that you've done something the two of you agreed not to do even though the boundaries have been fuzzy?
Ok, my girlfriend says not to call him and let him call me, which she suspects he would do when he is cooled down a little. I jsut feel helpless. Even if I did call I am not sure what I would say or if I would be able to say anything.
I feel terrible and miserable and feel like I am being punished :--(
I believe the agreement the two of you have made to not smoke or drink is doomed to failure. Why? Because neither of you WANT to stop doing what you're doing. This is evidenced by the caving on both your parts.
Instead of trying to change each other, you should be working on accepting each other's traits.
Because a drink is something you enjoy, you should never have agreed to a deal where you cannot have a glass of wine with your family. And he should not agree to abstain from smoking if smoking is what he wants to do.
If/when he comes around, cancel this deal you've made. Discuss the importance of accepting each other and NOT trying to mould and change each other.
Lastly, if he will not accept you having a glass of wine mid week, then you're not the girl for him. Likewise, if you won't accept that he smokes, he's not the man for you.
I can't agree more with iv_aisha.
This sounds like an agreement you made for one another - the only way to quit something is if you want to do it for yourself. I think he reacted very strongly to something as trivial as having a glass of wine, but I really think you two should reconsider this arrangement you have that neither of you seems to really want for yourselves. If he really wants to be a smoker, you have to either accept that or leave - same for him. You can't change someone else just by offering to give up something yourself. You have to really want it.
Thanks and I agree. I have left a voice message for him but still have not heard anything from him. I'm in my bed and miserable, but at this point I suppose there is nothing I can do but wait for him to contact me - it feels so powerless and helpless.
When he wants to talk to me, he will. But I truly miss him. We spend ever night together. He is my best friend and I just feel so left :-(
Are you serious?
Let me get this straight,and this is from someone who adores good wine and drinks a lot of it: he got angry and walked out on you because you had a glass of red wine? Eh? Come again? What are you, a child? His child? Were you falling over drunk and screaming at him? No of course you were not!! Despite what you agreed, things happen! What did he expect you to say at your family gathering?? 'ehm..no, I can't have wine cause my bf would be angry if I did cause we kind of sort of agreed for me not to drink during the week'??
Would you get mad at him, sulk all night and then walk out if you 'caught' him having a cigarette on a week day??
Honestly, I would be so incredibly furious if I were you that I would probably be the one not talking to him, for about a week, and expect a massive apology and an explanation if we were to stay together. Sorry.
Edited 8/16/2007 8:06 am ET by yaya0788
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