dating a man who is newly divorced??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
dating a man who is newly divorced??
10
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 3:53pm
Hello,
I am a 34 year old female who has never been married and no kids. I have been dating a man for 2 months who is 31 and was in a 5 year relationship with a woman and after 1 year of marriage, they divorced. He has no kids either. The divorce was clean, as he has told me it was a mutual split and they had irreconciable differences. This man and I so far have a wonderful time together, have so much in common and I could see myself with this man in long term relaltionship. However, I have noticed over the last few weeks since the divorce was final, he talks about his ex wife a lot and seems to make comparisons to how opposite she and I are. He also mentions things like driving by their old house depresses him, and he isn't ready to delete pictures on his camera of her. He has also expressed to me that he is having a hard time since it ended, and he needs his alone time, and that I need to take or leave that. I need my alone time as well, but he has clearly told me that when he needs it, I should not be upset. Now, perhaps I am being too sensitive and not understanding of what he's going through, but I am afraid he is still inlove with her and I am his rebound girl. I have a feeling she wanted out of the marriage more than him, and I am terrified of A. him getting back with her(as it's not final until December), and B. of being a rebound.
Unfortunatley, I have developed strong feelings for him and I just don't want to break it off because I am afraid of getting hurt. What is your take on my situation? Thanks for reading.
Francesca
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:02pm

1. You have only been dating 2 months, you really haven't had the time to get to know him yet. Have you talked about being exclusive and committed?

2. He is just divorced. Regardless if it was mutual or not, a person needs time to work on themselves after something like that, they are not ready for a relationship right off the bat.

3. He mentions his ex and how depressed he gets going by their house and stuff (see #2)
He is depressed because he has not grieved the loss of his relationship.

4. You will most likely get hurt if you stay in this relationship, the choice is up to you
some pain now or more down the road. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2006
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:14pm

Hi Sassi-
He asked me to be in a commited relationship with him. I have told him he is not ready, and he insists he is. I have known him for three years, just dated him two months though. I mean, are you saying that every single newly divorced person who gets into a relationship is going to break the other person's heart and that it's destined to end in pain? Isn't every person unique unto their individual experiences regarding a divorce?

Thanks for your response...I really don't want to end it, he's a wonderful person....do you others agree I should end it or give him and the relationship a fair shot?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:29pm
I'd have to say, in my opinion only, I'd give it a fair shot.
It sounds like you know what you could be in store for if you do find out later that you wind up being the rebound object, oh I hope that doesn't happen, it hurts.
I've dated guys that talk about their ex's all the time, whether it be the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend, and I've set limits on that. I'm not their therapist. That's just me and my situations though, I don't know the details of yours, only that you have known him 3 years and that's a pretty long time and probably trusts you with his feelings and that's why he's telling you things about the ex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:30pm

hi...it jumped out at me that you say he asked you to be in a committed relationship this soon (2 months) into your dating AND while hes obviously still reeling from his divorce...so to *me* this would be a red-flag that he might be somewhat grasping in desperation to feel 'committed' again...for *me*, i'd worry he might be willing to hope for 'committment' with any woman, and not particularly *me*....so over and above the risk of becoming involved with a man who obviously is still grieving his marriage, his incentive to verbally speak of committment this soon would put me off as well....IMO the "seeds" of love can be sown early in a dating relationship, but deep love takes time, and it seems careless to rush to commit this soon...this might be better described as infatuation or yes, rebound comes to mind as well...if it were *me* i'd beware and cautious of the realistic risk.....not only risk that he might still love his X or that they might reunite, but risk that he could eventually have pause to feel he jumped into committment too soon with you and that he might have regrets he didn't take some time alone to get himself together and/or took some bachelor time to sow his wild oats a bit.

just my $.02.

good luck :)

ps, i'm curious, why if his divorce was final weeks ago, will it not be truly final til december?

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:30pm
It does sound like he needs to get over his previous relationship. He may have said he's committed to your relationship but its obvious his head and heart aren't in it 100%. I don't think it means you will never be in a relationship together, but it would be best probably to give him the space he needs to mourn the last one. You said that he mentions his ex frequently, do you really want to hear that? If he were truly in the right state of mind for a relationship with you I don't think you'd be hearing so much about the ex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 4:34pm

He doesn't sound like he will necessarily be getting back together with her, but it's tough to not miss a long relationship even if you don't miss the person you were in a relationship with.

Sometimes people are ready to date again quickly after a divorce, but this guy probably is not one of them. At least he's not ready for a serious relationship.

You deserve someone who will give you his full attention, so I think you should mention this to him. All you have to say is "It concerns me how often you talk about your ex-wife and you even admit that you're not over her. I'd really appreciate it if we could focus on one another and it's okay if you bring her up once in a while, but I don't want to dwell on your relationship or comparing her to me." That gives him room to say a variation between one or two things. You'll either get something like "I'm really sorry, I'll try to stop" or "well she was a big part of my life and I can't completely let her go yet". If he gives you the second one you should tell him that you need to find someone more emotionally available. Then you actually should do that.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 5:46pm

It's always a risk getting involved with someone who is separated or newly divorced. Even if they wanted the divorce (as I did with mine) there are still feelings of grief and loss to process. And I found that while I was going through it, I was unaware of how completely NOT ready I was to be in a new relationship--I thought I was fine, but I wasn't. However, it was only with 20/20 hindsight that I was able to see that. I don't think many people are really aware of that until they are on the other side of it. And even if someone's been separated for a while, the finalization of the divorce comes as an emotional blow that you just don't know how you're going to handle until you actually go through it. That's why I generally prefer not to date men whose divorces haven't been final for at least a year--any time I've disregarded that rule of thumb and decided to date the guy anyway, it's come back to bite me (and I'm in a situation now where that might be happening again so it's a sore subject for me right now).

Are there exceptions? Sure, but they are few and far between.

So while I'm not necessarily saying end it, you definitely do need to be very cautious because chances are, he's the rule and not the exception.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 08-15-2007 - 6:44pm

Welcome to the board blondedogluvr,


I agree with most of the replies you've gotten and second the advice about being careful with your heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:37am

Hi, blondedogluvr!

I wanted to respond, as I feel I can relate to your story.

I have been divorced for a year, and I've been dating a wonderful man for nearly eight months. He, also, has been divorced for about a year, so as you can see, we both were newly out of our marriages when we became involved. I was married for eight years (I'm 34), and he was married for four years. He has a three year old son. He had also been married before when he was much younger. So, as you can see--many red flags!

We both agreed in the beginning to take things slowly, but after two months, he asked me to be exclusive. We are discussing living together and marriage. Is is too early? Maybe to most people, but we are very happy.

Now, as for your situation, my guy still talks about his ex. Like your guy, it's often just to point out the differences between her and me, but it still gets annoying sometimes. While you're not his therapist, he probably still feels comfortable talking about her with you, which is actually (in some ways) a good thing. My guy and I talked a lot about the mistakes we made with our exes and how we didn't want to make those mistakes with each other. I, too, noticed that when my divorce became final, it had more of an emotional effect on me than separation because it made me sad for what had happened. It will probably just take your guy a little while to get past that.

What really helped me was straight out asking him if he still had feelings for her. Since they have a child, he still has to have almost daily contact with her. He wanted me to do things they had done together, and I started wondering if it was merely that he was trying to replace her with me. Once I asked him if he still loved her, would go back with her if she asked, he reassured me that he absolutely would not, and that made me feel much better.

Also, each person takes a different amount of time to grieve. For me, I stayed in my marriage well past it's expiration date, so I felt detached already and ready to date almost as soon as I moved out. The same was true of my guy, even though his exW was the one to really initiate the divorce. He wanted to work things out for the sake of their son, and that always left me thinking, "What if she wanted to work things out, too? He'd still be with her." I wondered if I was a rebound or transition, but eight months later we're still together.

If you really like this man--maybe even feel love--this will survive the rebound or transition phase, which seems to fizzle out fairly quickly. I would have a serious conversation with your guy about your concerns. If you feel you can "weather" this storm, then stay. If you need more from the relationship now, it may be better to get out, but it seems like you really like him, and I think you can work this out and have fun while your guy heals and prepares for the next phase of his life. Good luck!

Holly

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:32pm

Hi there Francesca,

I think its a mistake to date a newly divorced man or woman. And I think its a mistake for a newly divorced man or woman to date. It takes quite a bit of time to process not just the divorce, but also the life lessons that are associated with all that happened, up to and including the divorce.

I stay away from the newly divorce.

While I understand wanting to be with him, the statistics on this kind of a relationship (with respect to the timing and the divorce) indicate that the relationship will end.

I don't care what he says about his marriage or his ex (I was divorced in my heart long ago, we were never that close, ....) -- I would seriously date thsi fellow for at least a full year from the date listed on the divorce decree.

After this time period, he's actually ready to date. Anything before is very likely to fail.