how soon - need for commitment

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
how soon - need for commitment
9
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 9:49am

I have been in a relationship for about 11 months now. My boyfriend and I are both entering our 3rd year at college. I feel like I need some commitment from him. He rarely mentions the future, and if he does, it never directly involves me. Am I wrong to feel like I need to know that i'm not wasting my time and energy on someone who doesn't care if i'm in their future or not?

I don't want to be engaged or move in together, and I know he wouldn't want that either. I more feel the need for him to atleast consider me when making plans about the future. Is that bad?

I feel like these are the best years of my life, and I am afraid that I might end up being done college, and he will go his own way.

Advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:06am
11 months is a reasonable amount of time to have a discussion about where you're going as a couple. unfortunately we here can't give you the answers, you need to be able to talk to him and ask him what he thinks is in store for you. You do not need to bring up marriage or engagement but you should ask him if he sees you in his future. I wouldn't write him off immediately if he hasn't thought about it, or if he's afraid to talk about it, because you are still in college and that's really early to have your lives planned out. But I agree that you deserve an idea of where the relationship is headed.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:17am

You are absolutely right. 11 months is a long time, and he certainly should be including you in future plans, if he is thinking that way. It may well be that the two of you are not on the same page about this. Have you sat down and had an open, honest talk? Rather than speculate about how he feels, just talk it over. Set deadlines in your mind for what you want by when. This is not pushing him, it's just wisdom, so that you don't waste time and emotion on someone who may just be having fun.


If a guy is serious about you, and about building a future together, by now he would be naturally saying so and including you. If you have to probe and pressure too much, this is a sign that he may not be the right one. It's very, very important to make sure both partners have the same goal and vision for the relationship. And, don't just accept what he says. Actions are what count.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:39am

I see this differently as I believe it is a 2-step process especially since you are both in College. It starts with the concept that:

Life does not revolve around a relationship - a relationship adds value to a great life.

The key focus here are the words "great life". You need to have that basic direction and understanding before you can determine how a relationship with any man will compliment your life goals and priorities.

It would be great for the two of you to talk about your life wants, needs, expectations, goals and priorities first. That way you will have a good sense of direction for the next 5 to 10 years. Then you can both talk about how a relationship adds value to that direction.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 11:54am

Thank you for all of your input. I understand where you are coming from and I agree that a relationship is only an addition to my life. We are both very goal oriented people. This concern first arised for me after co-workers were asking me about my plans after graduation, and I have also been offered job positions. I have been very hesistant to talk about this, as I am very confused about what the future holds.

I know either way we will both go very far, but I hope we go far together. He is military, and therefore after graduation he already knows exactly wehre he is headed. Me on the other hand, I have alot of options as so what routes I can take. I am not saying I will go wherever he goes, especially if the level of committment isn't there. I would like to say I would try to make the relationship work no matter what happens, but I would prepare to stay together.

Do you have any advice as to how I can try and talk to him about keeping our lives together in teh future. ie: after college, 5 years, 10 years etc.?

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:06pm

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Easy. You sit him down (over dinner? on a walk?) and say "how do you see your life in 5 years? 10 years?" That starts the ball rolling. Then you can let him know how YOU see YOUR life in 5 years, etc. Let him know that you'd like to see him in your life in the future - not with living together or marriage (if you really don't want those things and you're sure you're just not tailoring your wants to what you think HE wants) but that you want to know that the 2 of you plan on staying together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:16pm

Welcome to the board pink223,


Is this your first serious relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 12:29pm

Thanks Carrie,

No, this isn't my first long term relationship. I have had longer relationships than this (2 years) but I would consider this relationship the one I feel most committed and serious about.

Regarding to being ready to hear his answer. I don't think I am. I don't think I would be okay to hear that I'm only along for the ride until college ends. I know that I care for him a lot, but I wouldn't want to spend the next two years knowing that it will end and we will go our seperate ways. Thanks for bringing this point up. I know how I will react to any answer now after thinking it over.

I guess I will just have to ask and find out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:02pm
I hope it all works out for you.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 1:15pm

An important thing to remember is that any question you ask of him you must also be prepared to answer. Commitment is a shared 2-way street so you will need to step up and accept the responsibility of being an equal partner.

Perhaps you can say to him - "I am considering what I want out of life and relationships over the next 5 years. Perhaps you too can consider the same and we can discuss in a month or so."

Great relationships are equality-based and mutually-beneficial. You both need to accept the responsibilities that come with that for you both to have success in your future.

You can do it!