Who's pushing who away?
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| Fri, 08-17-2007 - 3:32pm |
My husband and I have been married almost a year and we knew each other a year before that. I'm 28 and I have a 6-year-old daughter. He's 25. I adore my husband. He's strong, sensitive and usually doesn't play macho games with me. I'm a little emotional, moody and I can sometimes get really defensive... Let's be honest... I'm a little crazy. BUT I'm also very patient, loving and supportive. I only get crazy when I'm feeling insecure or hurt. When I get upset, I go on long rants that are fueled with all sorts of strong emotions and I can start babbling about things that don't make sense to anyone. My husband is the only person on earth that can translate these rants into exactly what I was trying to say. Sometimes I go into silence and I refuse to speak. My husband is the only person who knows how to coax me out of silence and is the only person patient enough to do so. He can see an insecurity coming a mile away and he stomps on it before it becomes anything more than the rantings of a crazy lady. He defuses me right away by making me see how my insecurities don't apply to him. He doesn't belittle me by saying I'm wrong for having insecurities, just that there's no point, since he has no intentions of hurting me and never will. When I get upset, he doesn't get defensive (which will only make me defensive). He has no problem saying, "Dear, you are making me feel insecure and my feelings are really hurt. You’re pushing me away and now I worry about how you feel about me." By admitting he is weak shows me just how strong he is. And I always crack, because I have a heart. I can't hurt him when he's so willing to be open and vulnerable with me. I know that I have found the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love him and would do anything for him.
So why did I kick him out last Monday and why did he leave without a fight? Why did I end up giving him divorce papers?
We haven't been doing well for the last couple of months. My daughter was away for 5 weeks this summer visiting her father, who I have a very tumultuous relationship with (I had dental surgery to fix the damage he caused from one of his drunken rages). I was sad and emotional, but I tried to keep things together. When my husband told me I was making him insecure, I told him right away that it had nothing to do with him and that I loved him now more than ever. But then he started to pull away. Even after my daughter came back (which was about 2 weeks ago), we were only happy for a short time. He started to immerse himself into tv and video games (that's how he escapes from life) and I felt like he was starting to hit nerves he doesn't usually hit. He stopped listening to me. I'm not talking about hearing me through my crazy rants. I mean I would ask a direct question and he would be too immersed in the tv or game to even realize I was talking to him. I found myself getting really irritated that I was constantly repeating myself (sometime 4 or 5 times) just to get him to hear simple things like "What would like for dinner tonight?" Now whenever I would playfully poke at him instead of playfully retaliating back (our way of play fighting usually initiated by one of us when we're feeling a little ignored) he would get genuinely angry and annoyed with me. My endearing quirks are now annoying and now instead of doing things to defuse me, he seems to intentionally provoke me.
He knows I feel inferior to him when it comes to things like sports or video games. I've learned to enjoy them anyway, but I have a strong prideful streak, and it sucks all the fun out of what I'm doing when he watches me telling me everything I'm doing wrong while letting out these really long annoyed sighs. He KNOWS that I get really sensitive about being so heavily criticized. We've talked about it. He started getting really competitive, like lets play the versus option on games to see who's better. Well obviously he's better. That's no fun for me. So I just stopped playing and usually he'd apologize and coax me back. But now he just grabs the controller from me and turns up the volume. It just seems so mean and spiteful... not like him at all.
I've always been a social recluse. My closes friends live within a few blocks of me. That's the only way I've been able to really keep friends because, when I disappear, they just come over and drag me out of the house. I've always been this way. My husband is a bit more social than I am, but he also has the recluse streak. When he's feeling social, and I'm not, I just let him go without me. It's no big deal. I don't really mind, it gives me time to myself and I trust him. My husband asked me to go to a bbq with him. I was hesitant because, though I like the host and hostess, I was unsure of the possible people. He assured me that there would be enough people I enjoyed the company of with the exception of one person I don't like (he's in his mid 30s and he repeatedly cheats on his wife with really young girls and is an alcoholic... 2 bottles of vodka a day). He told me that the wife and kids were also invited so everyone would be on their best behavior. And he promised it would be a very short time just to make an appearance. Well I allowed myself to get talked into going.
When I got there, I realized we were 3 hours early and it would be rude to come and not stay for the bbq. He and his friends start playing video games (the same one I was just watching him play in the comfort of my own home) and I sat and watched the people trickle in. There are not a lot of people on my hate list. There is one kid from Junior High, my ex who was an alcoholic wife beater and a couple of people at this party. The men all cheat on their wives and the women are all plastic (very beautiful... but the kind of beauty that money can buy) and are as hostile as junior high girls. My husband is not like any of these people and has himself said many negative things about these people. I tried to make my unhappiness known (albeit, it was passive-aggressive) and when my husband completely ignored my discomfort, I let him know (in private) that I was leaving and that he could call me when he was done. I text him on the way out that I was confused as to how he could have possibly thought that that was a party I wanted to go to and how could he think that when my friends have a hard time convincing me to hang out that I would want to hang out with a bunch of people I despised. I am not the kind of person that can bad-mouth somebody and then go out of my way to socialize with them. He called me 5 minutes later and told me to pick him up (we only have one car). I assured him that I was fine and that he should call me when he finished socializing. He basically said I had ruined it for him and now he wanted to go. So I went back to pick him up.
On the car ride he asked me what was so wrong with the party. I snorted and snidely reiterated everything I had already said. He then asked me when I had ever heard him bad-mouth these people and was angry that I had basically called him two-faced. I told him the many times I've heard him say bad things and exactly what he's said. He lamely retorted that he has no problem telling those things to these people’s faces, that's what friends are for and that he should be able to be friends with these people regardless of what I thought. He then accused me of trying to control who he gets to hang out with. I replied that I was doing no such thing. I never said he couldn't see these people, I merely asked that next time he go by himself. I then said, "but I do worry that if you hang out with these people too much, they might start to rub off on you." Well that just made him blow up. I was now challenging his strength in character, his ability to know right from wrong, I was accusing him of becoming a cheater and becoming the insecure wife who destroys a relationship by controlling who he can and can't hang out with. I was so hurt by his words and so surprised that they were even coming out of his mouth. In the two years that we have known each other, I have NEVER EVER restricted his social interactions. I have always trusted him to do the right thing. I have never nagged him or pushed him into making decisions he didn't want to make. I asked him to name ONE time that I ever tried to control his friendships and he admitted that there wasn't even one single time. But then he blew up again saying that just because historically I have never done it doesn't change the fact that I was doing it now. I kept trying to calm him down, letting him know that of course I trusted him, but it's just human nature to worry when your spouse starts spending too much time with people whose values are a little shady. I told him he'd probably feel the same way if I did the same. We then stopped talking.
I wrote him a letter when we got home. I was too upset to talk. It basically reiterated how hurt I was and how his accusations felt like the beginning of his way of justifying why he should leave me. Out of anger I challenged him to go find someone else who was more supportive than me, and he will realize just how wrong he was. I then finished by saying that I loved him very much. That I wanted to work things out and that I would do everything in my power to make things right. All he had to do was decide that he felt the same way about me, quickly and come tell me. After that I would give him all the space and time he needed (and he’s usually not big on space or time). He read it right away, but then played video games and watched tv for the next 4 hours before going to bed (in the other room). The next day he still wouldn’t talk to me and sent messages through my daughter. I was so furious that I wrote another letter. I started by saying how much I loved him and how for me, staying together was not even a choice. It was an absolute given. I was hurt and upset that he was taking so long to decide if he wanted the same. It shouldn’t have even been a decision he had to think about. I then said if it really was such a difficult decision for him that I would make it easy. There were going to be so many times in the future where we would argue over even bigger things and there would be times where we would hate each other more than we every thought possible. The only thing that would get us through those time is if we both knew in our hearts that we were going to stay together until the end. 100% commitment. Since it was obvious to me that he couldn’t give that to me, I wasn’t willing to go any further with him. It’s better to end it now.
I took the dog for a walk so that he would have time to read the letter. He started to write a letter back to me and I told him right away that that was not what I wanted and he better stop. He told me I better come get MY daughter… the girl he has been calling his daughter and who has been calling him Dad for the last year. I was so hurt that he was now not only digging deep with his anger, but now he just crapped on his relationship with my daughter. Uncalled for. He packed up his stuff and left. We yelled a few more things at each other. I told him I hated him because all I ever wanted was for him to tell me that he loved me and to let me know he was committed to keeping us together. He yelled that all of this was my fault. He didn’t want to leave, but it was obvious that I didn’t want him here and he never fought to stay. I filled out divorce papers that day.
In regards to the letter he tried to write… I did feel guilty like I had refused to give him a chance, but when I read what he wrote… It was a letter filled with how my insecurities have driven me to be the kind of woman who can’t trust and therefore just tries to control. It went on to say how hurt he was that I felt he was going to cheat on me and that he never wanted to leave, but I was basically sabotaging everything.
I look back on all of this and I can’t help but think that he’s been looking for a way out. I know he loves me and that it broke his heart to leave, but he really didn’t want to be here anymore. It makes me so mad that he couldn’t just come to terms with it himself and to admit that he had been trying to find a way out. Instead I feel like he turned me into the bad person and kept pushing me until I finally shoved back.
I can’t help it. I still love him dearly and I know he is a good man. He has shown me how wonderful of a person he is. Can his behavior over the last few weeks wipe out all the good he’s done in the last 2 years? Am I crazy for trying to work things out with him?


If you really want to work on and save your marriage, then you need professional counselling to deal with your passive aggressive and abusive attitudes and behaviors. YES - you are abusive to your husband and have effectively pushed him over the edge of the cliff.
How much crap do you honestly expect a man to take?
He's reached his limit and is not obligated to take your abusive attitudes and behaviors towards him.
Great relationships need to be equality-based and mutually-beneficial. Insecure people are selfish, controlling and irresponsible in their relationships. The two don't mix, so you have some work to do on yourself before you have any chance at repairing your relationship.
Welcome to the board bfpengi,
For the most part I agree with spice.man, I just wanted to add a few things.
First, neither of you took a step back to cool off.
As usual I agree with spice.man. Your reactions and the way you choose to argue/fight is not healthy and it will ruin your relationship if you cannot come to terms with it and make a change. I'm glad you can recognize that you are not treating him fairly, but your passive aggressive behavior is really detrimental and I hate to say it but if I were your husband, I would have left. Your treatment of him his very poor. Serving him with divorce papers was just a tactic you used to showcase your anger. Don't ever put your marriage in jeopardy like this unless you are truly ready to end it forever.
I think your behavior pushed him over the edge and caused him to recede into a world of sports and video games and other peoples' company because he was simply unable to deal with you anymore. It must be tiring to have a wife give you the silent treatment or react badly to every argument, and have to always coax her out of it. You relied too much on him making things better for you while you probably didn't realize that he was hurting, too.
You have been very selfish toward him and while he's not being the greatest of husbands right now, I can understand that he is probably really fed up. Instead of lashing out in anger and abuse, he closes off. Pretty typical.
Take responsibility for your behavior and make a resolution to change and you may end up saving your marriage. Whether or not he will come with you, you should start therapy to learn how to better react to negative feelings. I really hope this works out for you because your husband sounds like a great guy who is simply tired of having to be the one to cater to you all the time.
Ok. Apparently I was beating on myself a little too much. I'm still fresh from battle and what all of you may not realize about me (after all we are a bunch of strangers) is that I am usually going to blame myself for anything that goes wrong (if you all got that my ex... not my husband, my ex... was an alcoholic that has actually sent me to the hospital a few times, you will know that I am your typical doormat who stays in relationships because I blame myself for the issues). I am a little crazy, yes. I have always been a little crazy. I can get self defensive and retreat when I feel hurt. I admit this. What you all seem to get from that was that I am ALWAYS like that. Well that's just ridiculous.
95 percent of our relationship and marriage have been really, really happy. I love my husband and I think he's freaking wonderful. He loves me too. In all the time we've known each other, we have had 4 fights. One was so dumb, it's hardly worth mentioning.
1. I checked on the internet for restaurant hours and it said it was open. When we took an expensive cab ride there, it ended up being closed. My husband was furious and I retreated when he took out his frustration on me. We worked that out within the next few hours.
2. When we first got married, my husband stopped sleeping with me... for 2 months. I'm an attractive woman. I keep myself in good shape and I was luckily born pretty (not that I always thought this). I tried EVERYTHING. From lingere, to fantasies, to just downright jumping him. He turned me down every time. I finally confronted him that I didn't think he was attracted to me anymore. After a lot of blubbering on my part, he admitted to having stress issues and promised to work on his labido. We have, for the most part, settled this issue.
3. My daughter, whom I am rarely away from, was away for 5 weeks (with my abusive ex). I cried. I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he said he was too upset to talk (he was upset over the same issue). As sweet as I thought it was that he was that attached to my daughter, he should have realized that if he was that upset, I probably was freaking out. I ended up feeling like the person who should have been most supportive had abandoned me and ended up retreating and crying (this was all over the course of a few hours). He was upset and told me he couldn't watch me be in so much pain (Not in the sweet concerned way, but in an ultimatum, you need to stop crying way). I told him that if he couldn't watch me be hurt, he needed to give me some space and come back when I was feeling a little less upset. He told me that he didn't believe in space and that if I needed space that he would leave me forever. That was probably more than I could handle at that point. I started sobbing and I gave him my ring. I told him that if he had to leave me, I couldn't stop him, but he was the love of my life and he was breaking my heart. He ended up staying.
4. This dumb, dumb argument.
I know my issues. What do I do about them? I curb them and for the most part, along with my husband being sensitive to them (I have never hid who I am) and me being aware of them, they don't arise very often and when they do, I take full responsibility.
My husband, and yes I love him very much, has his own issues. I am the first real relationship he's ever had. He's never been in love before me. I remember worrying about this, because I used to think that you needed to have your heart broken at least once to really appreciate love. He sometimes has it in his mind that if it's not all rainbows and butterflies that something is severely wrong with the relationship. When we talked about our stupid fight, he said he was too hurt to come back and he never wanted to fight like that again. I flat out told him that when he promised to stay with me for 50+ years did he honestly think we would make it the whole time without at least a few knock out fights? If you spend so much time with someone, you are going to get to the point where you fight and this fight, this dumb fight that we had over nothing, is going to seem absolutely ridiculous compared to future fights. There are going to be hormonal rants when I'm pregnant, dilusional fights when neither of us have slept for 3 months (if we have a baby), he's gonna do dumb stuff when he re-evaluates his life (typical midlife), I'm gonna freak out through menopause... and there are going to be hundreds of other things that come up whether it be finances, disagreements on how to raise out kids, what we do with our lives, the strength of our relationship, etc. We are going to fight and some of them will probably get really ugly and we might even hate each other more than we ever thought possible. the only think that will keep us together is the knowledge that we have committed to seeing it through to the end, dentures, adult poopy diapers and all. We have to routinely reasure each other that our love and our committment is stronger than all this other B.S. and we can never withhold that infomation. I have never witheld my love or strength of my commitment from him and he can't do that to me. That is why I was so unhinged this last fight. I straight out asked him to reassure me that he was in this fight to stay together and he ignored me.
He's an army man. He served in Baghdad for over 18 months. He has PTSD and has the tendency to withdraw himself. I understand and give him his space. He also admits that the army has taught him to not really make any decisions, just follow orders. So he sometimes gets lost without someone telling him what to do (which I have a hard time doing, because I feel guilty about becoming controlling) and sometimes he's slow on being decisive. Which, for the most part, I deal with, as long as he's not slow on the deciding to be with me or leaving.
And here's the one I always hold aside, because... like I said, I like to blame myself and I always feel guilty saying anything mean about my husband. I love him and I don't like focusing on his negatives. He stopped working last Christmas. He stopped working and lied to me about it. He was so embarrassed, he just kept getting up and going to work... when there was no work to go to. I found out when I saw the bank statement with all the movie ticket purchases and restaurant bills. At first I thought there was the possibility he was cheating on me (tickets were purchased 2 at a time), but when he told me he was going out with his male friends I believed him right away. My reaction caught him off guard. I never nailed him for being unemployed, spending money we didn't have or spending time with his friends. I told him simply that he should never lie to me about where he was, because that would bring up insecurities in me. He was an idiot for lying about something so dumb, because I knew he was having a tough time, needed to blow off steam and I would have let him go, if he had just told me. AND I was absolutely FURIOUS that he went to go see a few movies that hew KNEW I wanted to see on days that he KNEW I was free and just because he was too busy lying to me, I DIDN'T GET INVITED!
I knew that my husband is ordinarily a hard worker and after what happened to him at work, he needed some time off to re-evaluate where he was going career wise. I never nagged him about it and I gave him the space to think. I've discussed different options with him, but I know he's feeling insecure about his abilities (he never went to college and has only done sales his whole life). I let him know that I supported him no matter what he wanted to do, because I firmly believe he can accomplish anything he puts his mind to. If he wants to go to college, great. Too much school? how about a tech degree? Still too much, what about real estate? We agreed on this, his mother funded his education and license and I went back to work to pick up the financial slack. I was a self-supporting single mom when he met me. I have a fairly good education, so I'm able to employ myself pretty easily. I own my own home and car outright (no loans, no mortgage) all before he met me. My bills are pretty minimal and I used to be able to get by with some at home free-lance work. Now that I'm supporting 3 mouths (my daughters and both of his... goodness he eats a lot), I did have to get a full time job outside the home and stop my own education (I was going back to school to get a teaching license) because it is just too much to be a mom full time, work full time and go to school full time. He finished the degree quickly, but 6 months later (and 9 months since he's been employed) he's still unemployed and not trying at all. He escapes into tv and video games and ignores everyone around him including me and our daughter. I have tried to be understanding and have not nagged him at all... maybe I SHOULD have pushed him harder.
See? This is why I was SO hurt when he tried to call me a controlling wife. You are all strangers and I don't always articulate myself well. But those who know me, have all marvelled at my seemingly infinite patience with my husband.
Well, 95 percent of the time (employment issues asside) he is the most wonderful man in the world. It always surprises me that the other 5 percent of the time he can be such a freaking jerk... I mean down right mean and spiteful. I know I did wrong, I've already admitted my wrong doings (and not just to all you strangers, but to my husband). I know I shouldn't have filled out divorce papers, but I only did that after he disowned my daughter out of anger towards me (He almost didn't even say goodbye to her when he left. I had to call him and tell him that he could be an ass to me, but I would absolutely kill him if he took this out on her and he came back to give her a proper goodbye). It's one thing to crap down my throat, but you DO NOT bring my 6-year-old into it EVER. The quickest way to a single mom's heart is also the quickest way out. But I love him, I want him back, I've swallowed my pride and apologized... for EVERYTHING but he refuses to take any responsibility... so what can I do?
Edited 8/18/2007 9:35 am ET by bfpengi
Jacqueline
Jacqueline
You're not going to like what I say here, but some tough-love is required.
Your husband's behavior is not to blame nor the cause of your choice to be passive aggressive and mentally abusive towards him. That is 100% your choice and 100% your responsibility. Until you fully accept that responsibility you will be unable to take positive steps forward.
You come across as a woman that needs constant catering to your emotional needs. When you don't get your way, you use passive aggressive threats and punishment against your husband. Do you have any clue at all how cruel it is to use your rings as a threat against your husband, just because you didn't get your way? Your message is very clear - his emotional needs in the relationship are always secondary to yours.
Guess what - It's not always all about you. NO - your husband should not have lied about his employment problems and what he did with his free time. That is unacceptable. However, that doesn't give you the right to be passive aggressive against him.
Dr. Phil has an excellent article at: http://drphil.com/articles/article/22 called Contaminating a Relationship. I encourage you to read it. There are a few things in it that apply directly to you namely;
You are a Passive Warmonger
Instead of fault-finding or engaging in character assassination, these toxic partners try to thwart their partner by constantly doing that which they deny they are doing -- in such an indirect way as to escape accountability if they are confronted. A passive aggressive person is as much of an overbearing controller as the most aggressive, in-your-face person you could imagine -- only they do it insidiously and underhandedly.
You Are the Bottomless Pit
Are you so needy that you constantly undermine your chances of success? Can you never get enough satisfaction, love, attention or appreciation? Your partner will be frustrated by never seeming able to "fill you up." We all want reassurance, but an insatiable appetite for it never gives your partner any rest. Free yourself from the internalized sense of inadequacy, and find other ways to feel your self-worth and value.
My initial thoughts that you do need professional help still stands.
That's one of the first things I did. I set up a theapy appointment and asked my husband to go with me. He's apparently an excellent therapist and the wait time stinks, but hopefully we can resolve some stuff there.
I can be passive aggressive, it's true. He can be too. Sometimes that mix of people is toxic, but I know we can work through anything.
When I gave my husband my ring, it was after he told me that he had already packed and that he was leaving in the morning. I've always told him that I would never force him to stay, but I would make my feelings clear... and that is what I did that night. I told him through sobs him that I had never asked him to go. I was asking for some time to calm down over my daughter being gone (not a long time, by that point, I think only like 2 hours had elapsed... this was not a long going issue). He stuck to not wanting to give me space and said he had already packed, was leaving in the morning and walked away from me. I followed him upstairs, fell down on my knees sobbing, with my ring in my hand and told him that he was the love of my life, that in no way did I want him to go, but that I always wanted him to be happy... I just wish I was the one to make him happy. And then there was more crying. He knew right then that I was basically holding my heart out to him and he promised to never use leaving as a power play again.
And my husband was NOT hanging out with his friend on his FREE time. He was SUPPOSED to be at work. You don't kiss your wife goodbye pretending you going to go to work and then run off to hang out with your friends. His work day used to last from 9:30 am to 10 pm. That's a lot of freaking time to be pretending to be at work and lying. He'd even call throughout the day to let me know how his day at work was. It's just ridiculous. I was straight forward then too. I let him know that the thing I was upset over was not what he was doing, it was the lying. You can't lie to me. I don't care about the needing to go and blow of steam with your friends, whatever... just don't lie to me about it. And as a passing note I can't freaking believe you went to go see that movie without me when there are tons of other movies you want to see! He admitted that he wished he did have me along, after all, I am his best friend and it would have been nice to have my shoulder to lean on... and he felt bad about seeing that movie, but it's the one his friend wanted to see, and he couldn't invite me... because he was too busy lying about where he was.
BUT YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING: It doesn't matter how much of an ass my husband can be, I should be in control of my own reactions. I can't blame him for my bad behavior... and I have already told him this, days ago, many times over... I came out and apologized for every mean thing I did. I admitted to every point where I did something wrong. I told him that though my actions were fueled my certain events and I want him to see how they were fueled by those events so he can better understand where I was coming from and exactly what I was meaning to say (context in my mind is always very important), that it in no way excused the actual behavior. He's still stuck on how hurt he is and refuses to take responsibility for any of it. So now what? Do I just take the blame for this one, work on myself and accept the fact that he can do no wrong?
Jacqueline