Wanting a baby husband isn't ready.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Wanting a baby husband isn't ready.
9
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:23pm
Not sure where to start, so I'll give the short version. My now husband and I have been together for almost 13 years and have been married for almost 4 of them. We have been living together for 10 of them now. I have been wanting kids forever and he has always told me he also wants them. I am now 28 and he is 30. Everytime I bring up the subject on trying for a baby, he has the same answer "someday". I keep telling him his "someday" has come and gone quite afew times in even the last 4 years. He doesn't like discussing it and I'm not sure what to do. I feel that if we don't decide to start trying now, we may not be able to when we are ready. (I won't beable to when he is ready) I have told him a few times in the last couple years that if he isn't wanting a baby or two, he needs to let me know now and I will be okay with it. It will just take sometime for me figure out a way to deal with the idea of not having a child to raise. I am the oldest out of 6, 9 including my 3 step siblings and he has 2 older and 1 younger sibling. Two of my sisters have 2 kids now and my brother has 1. I have the hardest time ever when I'm around my neices and nephews. I'm also not knowing what to tell people anymore when they ask questions like: "Do you have any kids yet?", "Do you want kids?", Why don't you have any kids?", among others. I was telling them that "We want one or two, just not right now, we have things we would like to do first" or something along that. I told my husband that I can't keep telling people "WE" aren't ready when "I" am and "HE" isn't. He now tries to tell me that we can't afford daycare. I just tell him we can figure a way to do anything if we really want to. It's got to where I don't know what to do. I don't want him to decide to just because I am wanting to soooooo bad. I get so upset sometimes that all I can do is cry. I don't know what else to do? I am still 100% in love with my hisband and love him more and more every second of every day!! There are still things he does that make me glad i'm with him and there are things that he can say or do to make me laugh so hard I have tears!! He has said that he's worried if we do have a kid that we will end up argueing all of the time or I'll leave him. I told him that is the last thing on my mind. I can honestly say that I haven't even consider divorce and it would take ALOT for me to ever think about it. Do you have ANY advise for me?? Is there anything I can try discussing with him to help him get more ready for a baby in our life. Thank you for any advise you can provide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:31pm

"He has said that he's worried if we do have a kid that we will end up argueing all of the time or I'll leave him."

This is what you need to work out or at least this is one big issue. Will he go to counseling with you to figure out where it stems from? At least he should talk it through with you.

This is only going to cause a larger strain on your marriage if he keeps saying 'maybe' or 'someday' and doesn't take responsibility to get some clarity and share it with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:35pm

I would sit down and talk to him. Ask him what is on his mind about having children, maybe ask him if there is anything you can do to help him feel "ready" such as paying off the car, saving 10,000 or something like that. I would also tell him that if he does not want a child, you would be hurt but you would not divorce him over it.

I would tell him you need to talk to him about it, not over lunch but have a sit down talk. Maybe try writing him a letter and tell him how you feel and that you would like to know how he feels as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:43pm
I have told him that I think we should maybe go talk to someone and all he can say is "What for". I have thought about going jsut for myself, but then I don't see any sense in me just going if he's not willing to participate.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 4:48pm
Yeah, I could try the saving $$ thing you mentioned. We don't really have any bills besides our normal monthly ones. But maybe I could sit down with him and write out a money management list. We both quite smoking three months ago. The letter writing doesn't usually work to well, he thinks I should just discuss it with him instead. But, sometimes it's easier to write it then discuss it. I just keep telling myself maybe he's just a typical guy????
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:56pm
You have been together long enough for this to be an immediate concern. You also deserve to tell him what kind of timeline you expect as far as having a baby. Let him know that vague "someday" answers are no longer acceptable and you want to come up with a compromise to start trying to conceive. If you say you want to start trying by the time you're 30, give him that to work with. Hopefully he can come up with some more concrete answer with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:57pm

Welcome to the board raerod94,


I can understand your pain. There is that old saying that if you people waited to have kids until they could afford them than no one would ever have children. You could try telling him that.


Would you be okay if you never had children? If not, then you need to let him know that.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2006
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 6:10pm
He used to use the reasoning of not affording it ALL the time. I just kept telling him that if people waited until they could "Afford" it, no one would have kids. I use my siblings for an example all the time with him. They def can't afford to have kids and they have some and still figure out a way to make it. Alot of our friends have kids and I'm sure they couldn't afford it either, but you just make it work! Thank you for your help and yeah, I don't know if I would beable to live without kids or not. But, I am willing to try if thats what he wants. I love him way to much not to be without him! I try not to let too many things come between us. I can probably even count our bad arguements on my fingers over the last 13 years. I always say "you're not in a good relationship unless you have an arguement every once in a while, it's what makes it interesting and you learn more about each other that way!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 6:25pm
Unfortunately having kids is not just an argument that strengthens your relationship; are you willing to be childless for him? As much as you may love him that is a huge thing to give up. At this rate you will probably not be having kids unless you push him HARD. And if he never wants to have kids you should be prepared for what you should do. Living the rest of your life childless when you really want a baby and when the only thing stopping you is one person is HARD at best. I know you love this man but you absolutely have to come to an agreement about children that makes you both happy, or you will be very very miserable for a long time. Good luck!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:55pm
I urge you to stop rationalizing this regarding relationships and fighting or 'guys are just like this' since this is a serious matter. If you truly are o.k. with not ever having kids then you can relax. If not, then I agree that he needs a timeline and maybe you should go to counseling alone to figure out your feelings and plans and ways to communicate with him.