NO MORE TRUST

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
NO MORE TRUST
3
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:01pm
My bf 30 and I(26) have been seeing each other for 3 years now. The first yr of our relationship was “casual” and he kept giving me the “not ready to commit but I care about you so much” excuse. Later I found out that he was actually not over his ex and also dating other people. I broke it off for about 6 months. So I see our relationship as “pre” and “post” serious.
I have done pretty good at forgetting about and forgiving the “pre”. He just wasn’t that into me because he didn’t get to know me. And now that he did, “he see’s he had me al wrong” K Granted…
But during the “post” I have caught him in lies and once he went to see his ex girlfriend behind my back. ( I stumbles across this info it wasn’t confessed) I broke up with him but he apologized (only after making it very clear how very wrong it was to look through his things) and opened up and promised me it wouldn’t happen again and ALLEGEDLY told her to stop contacting him.
Ever since then we have had major trust issues. After that I broke up with him upon discovering that he kept in contact with 2 of his other ex lovers. He agreed that would stop AND NOW for his latest trick… he sent a girl he hadn’t met (a coworkers sister) his personal email address so that she can contact him if she liked. The conversation wasn’t flirty but I wonder what business he has giving this girl his contact info (even he admitted it was not business related)
I know that a person is allowed to talk to who ever they want but after his offenses I thought it was common sense that he should stay AWAY from his ex’s and tread lightly when it came to the subject of other women.
He on the other hand is constantly insinuating that I am doing things or talking to people that I shouldn’t be. Which I am not. But I did kiss someone (in the “post”) after he kept giving me the run around about the status of “US” (not because he gave me the run around. There was alcohol involved and I have done everything in my power to prove to him that I am sorry and that it will never happen again) he has never really gotten over this and every time I get upset about other girls he brings this up.
My major question, however, is how wrong is it for me to look through his things? Or is it justifiable. I always felt I should be ALLOWED to see whatever I wanted in order to at least gain some amount of trust. He acts indignant when ever he discovers Im looking through his things and says I should ask for permission if I want to see things (My answer to this is always “RIGHT! Like your going to tell me the truth!!!”)I honestly do not know what to belie about him… Slimeball trying to get away with flirting OR Careless goofball who doesn’t realized how his action harm and affect our relationship. (He’s always pulling for the later one)
He recently threatened to block his text messages so I could not “break in” and look through them. So now I’m unsure if he’s trying to hide something or just sick of me snooping. And of course if I bring it up he focuses on the fact I’m looking through his things. He’s not flirting with these girls, that’s true but I feel he’s trying to keep his options open. One particular girl wasn’t interested in him and AFTER she kept ignoring him, is when he started seeing me again.
Despite this, we love each other, and this is the only disagreement we ever get into albeit often and it’s unfortunate that its such an important one! But sometimes I feel like its hopeless. I’ll never trust him again.
He promised this last time I took him back that he would seek counseling for us with a pasture he knows but the weeks went by and he did nothing.
What does everyone else think? HOW WRONG IS IT FOR ME TO SNOOP? IS THERE ANY HOPE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP? AM I WRONG FOR WANTING HIM TO STOP KEEPING IN CONTACT WITH THESE GIRLS? PLEASE HELP!
SO SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS WAS!
THANKS A MILLION! GOD BLESS
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:26pm

Girl, this relationship is going nowhere the way things are now. You don't trust him, he doesn't trust you, if there is no trust you don't have much of a relationship.

YOU felt you should be allowed?? Everyone deserves their privacy, what gives you the right to go through his things? Even if you were married, that does not give you the right.... you do not own him and he doesn't own you. If my bf did to me what you are doing to him I would say "see ya have a nice life"

You thought it was common sense about exs and other girls, did you actually tell him if he does it again it is over or anything like that? Or did you just assume that he thought the way you think? You have broken up how many times now? Alcohol is an overused excuse....

You keep going back thinking things will be different, but you keep coming back to the same situation. He can not do this to you unless you allow him to. You can't control him, the only one you control is you. If you continue on the way you are, you have no one to blame but yourself. He has showed you time and time again that he is not going to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:29pm

Many years ago I was told by my mom and my Grandmother that whatever they (guy or girl) does before the marriage will be multiplied 10 times after the marriage.

Oh gee!! Did I listen? NO!!!

I married a guy that I caught in lie after lie after lie after lie before we got married. He cheated on me, he lied about it. One of his employees told me exactly what he did, I confronted him and he told me another lie that wasn't anything like the first one. Every single thing I caught him on was minimized to the effect that I was making too much out of it, it's not true. Then I MARRIED HIM Anyway!!

Lie after lie. He could never answer one questions without the answer being a lie, even down to one time I came home from work and I seen a Taco Bell bag on top of the garbage. I just asked what he had, he said a whopper. I was such an idiot that I didn't think anything of it. Then when it hit me, I asked why there was a Taco Bell bag in the garbage. I got his guy response, "Huh?", (after asking him 3 times and each time he didn't even acknowledge my voice let alone give me an answer). I asked why he said he had a Whopper when there's a Taco Bell bag in the garbage. He said he never said he had a whopper.

See, all those trivial things, stupid things to lie about that don't even make sense to lie about turned into not only 10 times worse before we were married, it was 100 times worse. He'd lie about going to work and go to some girlfriends house. Why weren't there any paychecks? He said he had to pay his truck payment. Oh really? Then why did the bank call and say you are 3 months behind?

Long story short, I wound up having a nervous breakdown in 1997 because of all of it, the lies, the cheating. A liar will never stop lying. When there is no trust in even the smallest of answer to the smallest of questions, there's nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:42pm

Welcome to the board cutesydancer,


He's destroyed your trust in him by lying and contacting an ex.