Settling or growing up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Settling or growing up?
7
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi everyone. Im new here so please bear with me. Heres some background information. My BF and I have been together for 8 years and live together. We've had a lot of ups and downs along the way but love each other very much. A few months ago I felt like things weren't going anywhere and told him I needed space. I also started talking to a guy I work with. My BF really stepped up, acknowledged where he'd been slacking and why I'd been unhappy and really started acting differently. He's always been a good guy, very providing and kind, but I was feeling a little lonely and unnoticed. Now he wants me to stay and get engaged. At the same time I really grew to like the guy from work and we had a great connection. He keeps saying that my BF had a chance for years and blew it and now I should give him a chance. I told my BF that I'd talked to the guy from work and now he checks my phone and stuff. I don't really mind that because I'm not talking to the guy anymore.

Anyway, I love my BF a lot but am a little nervous that things could go back to how they were. They weren't bad, just boring. I know I can help change that too. I also miss talking to the guy from work but know that I have to be totally honest and not see or talk to him. Our sex life has taken a turn too. I used to be so into it but lately I'm just not turned on. I don't know if it's a rut or not. I don't know if I'm supposed to grow up and understand that things settle down after a few years and things might be a little boring or if I'm settling for something just ok.

Any thoughts would really be appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:48pm

Feeling bored and going through tough times in your relationship is a bad time to consider engagement and marriage. Get yourselves on track for a while before you start to think about it.

I'm not sure what your intentions were with this guy from work but you sound as though you like him and maybe your boyfriend is right to be upset.

If you want to make this work then you might consider couples counseling to see how you can improve your relationship. Do stuff together, take a trip, start a new hobby with or without him, do something to spice up your OWN life individually. You shouldn't stay with someone who bores you but I think he deserves a chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:03pm

I totally agree with trying to spice up your Own life, with or without him. Sometimes I find that if you are a little bored with yourself it also feels like a rut. But since I've "grown up" I really kinda like that nice normal, somewhat boring-to-other-people life.

But.... isn't it funny that when the guy snoops, it's somewhat thought of like, well, hey, that's understandable, and the woman is all ho-hum about it. Then when a woman does it because the man has SO blantantly lied, cheated, gets upset because the woman snooped, the woman gets enormously scolded.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:21pm
I can't scold him from here, he isn't reading this
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:31pm
Cute, and, well....... true. lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 2:51pm

What do you mean by things were boring? Honestly, life is boring. Work, chores, bills and a little fun time. My DH and I have been together 9 year, married 1 and yeah things are for the most part "boring" and lifeish. To keep thing fun we rent movies, but a new video game to play together, take a vacation etc.

If you miss the other guy you were talking to I think now is a bad time to get engaged or think about getting married. Missing the other guy says you are still not happy with your bf. While I do consider life to be "boring" I have no desire to talk to any guy in that way besides my husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 3:11pm

Welcome to the board onthefence7,


As nicely as possible - you've made both your boyfriend and this other guy, responsible for your happiness.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 5:04pm

Of course all relationships go through hills and valleys, that's natural. When things get boring, it's usually, however, because there's a lack of communication going on, and the two of you may not be involved in mutual projects, plans or adventures. Everyone needs to grow and explore new frontiers, each of you individually, and certainly as a couple. A healthy relationship has mutual goals, values, visions and ways of sharing important times. What makes life exciting is when you are excited about what you're doing and the ways in which you are growing. It's a mistake to think that all of your excitement will come from your relationship. Get clear about what's important to you in your ilfe, what you want to experience, and how you want to grow. What do you want to contribute to others? As you get clear about your own life, you will naturally get clear about what is going on in the relationship, and whether it is healthy and suitable for you.


Best wishes,