Brother-in-law relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Brother-in-law relationship
3
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 12:06am
I'm looking for some advice concerning my brother-in-law and his future bride. They are getting married in about 3 weeks, and although she and I are not very close, we have had a couple personal conversations when we are completely alone.
The trouble is she confesses problems between her and my brother-in-law concerning trust (he cheated on her while dating), money (he refuses to share a checking account with her, put her name on the house etc), and criticism of her by him (when they were first dating he asked her if she would be willing to get a boob job, and now he wants to have kids asap so her boobs will grow).
I am always dumbfounded when she tells me these things as frank as anything. And I am really starting to wonder why they are getting married at all?! We've discussed knowing what are "dealbreakers" and what are not, and not getting married with dealbreakers still on the table. But it seems to me that she's marrying him with the hopes that some things will change.
My husband and I are the best of friends and can't even imagine having a relationship like this with someone and then actually wanting to make it permanent. (we are all conservative Christians and would not consider divorce except in cases of abuse or unfaithfulness)
Any Advice? Should I tell her to call it off? I'm a bridesmaid! But they obviously have some things to work out.
Thanks
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2005
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 11:20am

hi,

personally, i think you've done all that you can do! pray that their situation gets better before the wedding> i understand your wanting to protect and remain loyal to your brother_in_law but his gf told you things in confidence. not to bad mouth him (even though the things she has told you aren't ideal) but to get some things off her chest. if it really bothers you; maybe you can politely ask him what his fiancee thinks about kids and boob jobs etc see if he answers like his fiancee. if not, kindly mention that when one gets married its important that both people are on the same page with the same wants and desires encourage COMMUNICATION between him and his fiancee. A marrige counsellor might also be able to help them.

if you tell your brother in law everthing that his fiancee has told you she will feel betrayed and wonder why she told you the things she did; welcome tension! she will forever veiw you as a troublemaker and will watch everything she says to you from now on. do you want that?

just my two cents.

ravishing

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2006
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 11:46am
My 2 cents is to stay out of it. The best thing you can do for them is to recommend a marriage counselor or a priest. People needs to get spiritual guidance before making this giant leap. They need to deal with their own issues face to face. Trust me you do not want to get in the middle of this. If she's getting married to him, she must learn how to communicate with him. Sometimes people needs to vent, but doesn't mean the people they talk to have to do something about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 12:29pm

Welcome to the board vertparapluie,


I can understand your concern. It sounds like they have a horrible relationship and have no business getting married. With that being said, I think you have done about everything you can. You have talked to her about dealbreakers and she still is willing to go through with the marriage. Maybe you could tell her that you think premartial counseling is a good idea for them.

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