a man's word
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a man's word
| Wed, 08-22-2007 - 2:36pm |
What is one supposed to do when you have asked your spouse not to do something, several times, both nicely and not so nicely, and he continues to do it anyway? Each time he does this, it is breaking down trust and I feel his word doesn't mean anything so why bother even talking about things. Is this about respect or lack of to me or is he just so selfish it doesn't matter what he says, if he wants to do it, he just does it? I have made this a big issue in the past because if you give someone your word and it doesn't mean anything, where do you go from there?

hi,
i think you answered you own question when you said "his word doesn't mean anything so why bother even talking about things. Is this about respect or lack of to me or is he just so selfish it doesn't matter what he says, if he wants to do it, he just does it"
so now you know... now can you continue to be in a relationship w/no trust or respect?
ravishing
Welcome to the board lexdoma,
Would you husband be willing to go to counseling with you. Is this an issue that one of you could compromise on? Clearly you don't want him to do something, but he still wants to do it.
Could you give us more information?
glitter-graphics.com
You should never give your word on anything unless it is your intention to keep it. I couldn't say whether his not keeping his word is a direct slight to you or just his inability to show up in the way you want him to. It absolutely breaks down trust when someone doesn't honor their word to you. So he's either untrustworthy or there is a communication breakdown somewhere.
Is it everything you ask of him or specific things?
Wow - there's no excuse for that one. The fact that he can't respect your personal property because he needs to get his porn fix indicates huge issues. That is really a no brainer. I would never knowingly risk a virus on someone else's computer.
Look up porn addiction - he's not respecting your wishes, he's lying, he's violating your personal property to access it and he appears to not be able to resist looking at it.
It should be a deal breaker - he repeatedly violates your boundaries, breaks his word, lies to you and damages your property. Without trust - you have NOTHING! If that's not a deal breaker I don't know what is. And what kind of relationship do you have when the respect is gone?
glitter-graphics.com
I'm a guy who actually likes internet porn occasionally, but your guy is WRONG on this one. I am very serious about the computers that I use for work, and would NEVER do anything risky like that on those computers.
You aren't making a big deal out of nothing. It doesn't matter whether you approve of porn or not. You are exactly right in that he's not showing respect.
Your original question was about what to do. The real issues are trust and respect. He's not taking your needs seriously and it could encroach on other areas of the relationship. He needs to know that you are serious. I would have a conversation stating that the relationship is in jeopardy because of his lack of respect for your reasonable wishes and his demonstration that you can't trust his word.
Your demand that he not look at porn on YOUR laptop is very reasonable. I wouldn't bother arguing about whether looking at porn is generally okay; don't let him sidetrack you.
You might consider activating the password on the laptop as it boots up. Your laptop almost certainly has a password option before it loads windows. If I were in your shoes, he would have lost the privilege to use my laptop.