So confused
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| Wed, 08-22-2007 - 5:22pm |
I posted Green and Greener Grass recently (http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlrelationsh&msg=29083.1&x=y)
Here I am again. seems it's a constant cycle in my life - strongly believe in my relationship and stand by it 110%... question my relationship and wonder if I'm defending it because there's doubt in me somewhere!? I wonder if it coincides with any other "cycles" in my life! :p
Anyway... I'm on the downswing right now. On one hand I love my BF very much. I believe we are fairly well suited for each other when it comes to a lifelong relationship. But in the present, the things that are missing feel so glaringly obvious! But when I consider leaving it makes me insanely sad and I just can't do it. How can I leave someone I love and who loves me - even if it's not the love I dreamed about!?
We've talked, we've done "some" counseling, we both are aware of the issues but for him who is a bit more of a "realist" he believes the good outweighs the bad and if I was a bit more of a realist I'd probably come to the same conclusion. Unfortunately I'm a bit of a dreamer and I keep coming back to this place of questioning things!?!?!?
I often look at it from the outside. How would someone I respect view me if I chose BF and settle down without even attempting to explore my dreams (heck I could honestly NOT stay with BF and still not explore my dreams so then I'd just be out a good BF!) and it makes me feel sad... like a sell out. Why do I feel that way when I have a good life? A good man, a good job, overall my life is status quo good! But good never seems to be good enough for me! How sad is that! :( I wish it were... if I could choose - I'd choose exactly what I have - but something inside me keeps wanting! :-S
Anyway... just venting and hoping to get some advice in the process! TIA! :)

Welcome back,
I would recommend some individual counseling for yourself.
Don't worry about what other people are going to think. They don't matter. All that matters is that you are happy with your life.
I am confused though, why can't you follow your dreams and still be with your bf. What prevents you from doing that?
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I know I "shouldn't" care what others think but to me that's a good barometer of whether I'm living up to my potential or not... if I view myself through the eyes of someone I respect (which I am SURE their opinion of me would never be as harsh as I'm being on myself) I can gauge if I'm living up to what I've always said I wanted to do or what I've given off the impression I want to do. And I might have confided in that person that I never saw myself living the status quo/average type life. Marrying, getting the starter house, popping out a kid - all within 15 miles of where I grew up and went to high school.
I didn't want to be that person (NOT that living that life is crummy - it's just not what I wanted for myself - I wanted to be "different"). So to think of possibly doing that... because I do love the person I'm with and fear not having HIM in my life... it kinda makes me feel like a sell out.
I find it hard to imagine living out my dreams and staying with BF because A) he is not a dreamer, he's not motivated to do anything different with his life than what he's doing right now, he has very little drive or ambition (not just for success but to have life experiences - or maybe the kind of life experiences I imagine). I want to travel - serious travel - international, places I only dream about right now and he SAYS he'd like to go too but honestly he will just come along - he won't plan it, think about it, be passionate about it, etc. It's not the kind of person he is. He's not really passionate about anything except his work (which he very slightly boarders on workaholic) and sports! Other than that... he'd never dream up a place to go and actually execute everything to get us there.
I'd like to live somewhere other than the city I've grown up in - sure I love the city I live in and maybe some day I'd end up back here. But I'd KINDA like to live somewhere else and carve my own little nitch in the world - not just stay in the one my parents chose. He loves this city - he loves knowing exactly how to get to point B from point A. He has said he'd love to live in X city (similar to where I'd love to live) but getting us there... would be ALL on me and then I'd actually wonder if he'd do it. Fear holds him back alot. Fear of not finding another job (even though the one he has now isn't the end all beat all not even close and he knows it).
stuff like that. people might say we just have "incompatibility issues" and maybe that's true but I find that hard to believe when you consider how long we've been together, how well we work together (aside from the above issues and the like) and how much we still care for each other after such a long time! Or maybe I'm wrong and these ARE things people don't stay together over - even if they DO care for each other!?
I either give up my dreams to "really" experience life my way - or to experience a very content, comfortable and happy life living it this way (not a bad way - just not the way I dreamed). sometimes I also think he keeps me grounded otherwise I'd be all over the map... wanting to do this and that and never really thinking things through realistically! And I've never DONE any of the things I've talked about so maybe I am just a dreamer who never acts on things and he works for me in that respect - allows me to dream but knows I don't act on them so it's all good!?
I don't know! I'm confused - can you tell! :p
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