advice needed..

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
advice needed..
8
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 10:29pm
i have been dating my bf for about 4 months now. i am 20 and he is 27. i met him where i used to work. now, i have gotten to the point where i stay at his house almost everynight. i feel like i rushed into things. but theres more. he drinks almost everynight. sometimes a whole bottle of wine even. it is out of control. he has gotten in trouble for drinking about a year ago. i always tell him it bothers me and he says he knows but never quits. he always does it when im not around so i feel like i am pressured to always be there. he has an okay paying job, but he spends his money on things he doesnt need. for example.. a new computer, instead of paying bills or saving any of it- he doesnt even have a bank account. he hardly ever pays for me, or does anything for me. i feel like im stuck. he says he loves me so much but i dont see it. another thing, there is a guy i met at my new job and i have a crush on him. he has asked me to go out to lunch with him.. i feel so confused. i dont want to leave my boyfriend and have him go completely out of control, but im just not getting what i need out of the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 11:37pm

After only four months with someone, you shouldn't be expecting him to change. If he's a deadbeat alcoholic now, he will probably be that way forever. GET OUT NOW before you absorb his problems and make them into your problems. You do not want that, I promise.

This guy may be sweet and loving but to think about a future with an alcoholic who cannot manage money is bleak at best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 2:49am
I don't reccommend leaving him...but maybe you should back things off and go on a date with the guy you have a crush on...just to see where your heart lies. All these things are bothering you for a reason...go with your heart :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 6:13am

You've been with this guy for four months. He is 27--in anyone's eyes, a man.

You feel like you rushed into this relationship--perhaps he rushed you?

He drinks every day, and refuses to, or can't, stop, even though he knows you don't like it.

You feel pressured to be with this man so he'll control his drinking.

He fritters his money away, buying things he doesn't need and avoiding paying his bills on time--that's financial irresponsibility.

He hardly ever pays for you or does anything nice for you--because he's too busy doing nice things for himself.

He SAYS he loves you, but you don't SEE it in his actions (and neither do I).

Lucky, this relationship has just started--you are still in what's called the "honeymoon stage," when both of you are still on your best behavior and trying to impress each other. If this is his best behavior, what's coming next?

Here is a preview of the rest of your life, if you stay with him: he will stop drinking only when you're not there, and will drink whenever he feels like it. The total amount of his alcohol consumption will increase. His electricity or heat will be about to be turned off, and you will pay the bill out of desperation. From his point of view, you will now be responsible for that bill, and soon others, out of your own pocket. He will have a financial emergency, and ask to borrow money. You will feel that you need to stay in the relationship long enough for him to pay you back (you will know that if you leave you'll never see a penny of it). You will try to help him limit his addictive behavior and have a normal life, but he will now be sufficiently used to you to enjoy the challenge of sneaking the behavior past you. You will become pregnant, and your child will have an alcoholic deadbeat for a father.

Lucky, you are not stuck. You are 20 years old, obviously a very responsible young woman with appropriate reservations about this relationship. He will never really be a man--he's just a big, self-indulgent baby, focused on his own needs and desires. Please tell him the relationship isn't working for you and you need to move on, then put your fingers in your ears and RUN.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 6:40am
thank you guys for all the advice so far. i know what i need to do. even as i sit here writing this i am looking at an empty bottle of wine. it was half full last night so i guess he drank it after i went to bed. i just dont get how he doesnt realize what he is doing. he always tells me "im not an alcoholic". and when i bring up money, he has said before "well when my parents pass away ill have plenty of money, so why should i worry so much about saving?". no respect ill tell you...
its so nice to have somewhere to talk to about all this stuff going on. ive been keeping it in for these past few months.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 9:02am

When you're 20 years old, a seven year age difference is huge. I'm wondering why a guy his age is dating someone who is so much younger. But I think the answer is obvious.

You deserve so much better, you seem really intelligent and capable, don't waste your time being with someone who can't even take care of himself.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:18am

You have ever right, and even every responsibility to "yourself", to go out with this other guy. You are not your so-called boyfriend's caretaker or therapist. It sounds as though you have things confused here. It's one thing for him to say he loves you, it's another to be giving, mature and considerate and to behave in a manner that is responsible. He must learn to care for his own life. You are not his mother. He has put you in a difficult position, but more importantly, you have accepted it. If a relationship is not mutual, it is not correct. If you leave, then he will have to grow up and take care. If he doesn't do so, that is his situation, not yours. The question that is most important here is why you are still with him?


You must develop your own self esteem and sense of entitlement. You have every right to make healthy choices for yourself and lead a life that is good for you. If you have difficulty doing this, it would be wise to see a therapist to help you understand why you cannot.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:17am
Why would you tell the OP to not leave this loser?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 12:36pm

Welcome to the board lucky72007,


Everything you feel is normal.... having doubts about the relationship because of the drinking.