DH, MIL to drs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
DH, MIL to drs
4
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 3:13am

My DH can't seem to do anything to get his mom out to a see a dr. but I think she has early Alzheimer's and desperately needs a check-up. MIL usually saves all of her corny and weird comments for me over the phone or in person, but acts more guarded around her own DS, my DH. My marriage is going to suffer more if he doesn't take a firm stand and get his mom checked out or pay more attention to her warning signs. She has dementia or early Alzheimer's I can see it because my Dad had dementia.

How can I encourage DH to get his mom checked out if he can, so we can possibly sto[p having so many fights about her. She wants to come and stay with us like every other month and when we don't invite her, she keeps hounding me on my cell phone with repeated phone calls. The only thing I want to concentrate on right now is ttcing for our third baby before it is too late for us to have a baby. . My DH is very busy this year with work and I am sick of havng to deal with his confused mother.

DH has adult sisters and although one of them is starting to pay more attention to MIL, my MIL sees her own DD as a threat, and has turned to me the DIL in the family for help with all of her problems. I have made my DH start calling his own mother back and also answering my cell phone when she calls repeatedly. He doesn't chat long with her but does call her back.

Do we need marriage counseling to solve this ongoing problem??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 8:52am

He should probably call his mother's medical office to tell them his concerns, they will be able to either call her to set up an appointment for her, or tell him what he can do for her in order to get her help. One thing I have learned is that people often refuse to go to the doctor because they know something is wrong, they just don't want to hear it.

Also, it is possible to interact with someone in such a way that does not ruin your life. Try not to let your mother in law get to you. My aunt does the same thing she does and here's how we deal with it. Make sure you have caller ID, and only pick up the phone one out of every several times she calls. When she does call, keep the conversation short and light-hearted. Converse with her pleasantly for a minute or two and then make plans to do something else. "Well I'm starting dinner now, it was very nice to hear from you and I will tell (husband) that you called. Goodbye!"

When all is said and done, your mother in law is not preventing you from trying for a third baby - your stress is. If you learn how to effectively deflect that stress it will be easier. For us, making a joke out of all the phone calls and confusion has helped a lot. Of course we're not mean about it really, but it helps.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:25am

It can be very painful for a child to face the fact that their mother or father has some form of dementia and is decompensating. I understand how hard it is for you to deal with this, and how frustrating that your DH won't face it. Perhaps you can enlist her other daughter, who is paying more attention now, to help more in this matter, and also speak to your DH. Sometimes it is easier to hear something like this from a sibling than from a wife. Of course sooner or later he will have to face what is going on as things can become more difficult. And, certainly, boundaries must be set clearly, and all the other children in the family have to participate in a plan for her care.


If your husband will not come around at all, then yes, counseling is a good plan. It is unfair for this to fall completely on your shoulders. This is one of the times in a marriage when

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 11:41am

If she can control her behavior around certain people do you really think it is dementia? You need to stop answering your phone so often, she wil then call her children more often. Talk to her once a week. Call her Doctor and tell him what is going on.

'My marriage is going to suffer more if he doesn't take a firm stand and get his mom checked out'

Have you told him this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 3:43pm

I agree. If she can control acting differently with you than she does your dh that I don't think she has dementia. She is choosing to act differently with you on purpose.


Tell you dh that you can't take dealing with her anymore and that he needs to do something about it.

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