Confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2007
Confused!
3
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 4:50am
Dear Dr,
I'm so confused! For the past four years I have been talking to a man, James, online whom I was introduced to through a friend. We clicked immediately and have gotten on extremely well over the years, despite never actually meeting in person. When we had been chatting for a couple of years he confessed that he had feelings for me, but I didn't feel the same way and was seeing somebody at that time anyway.
A year and a few months ago I started seeing a guy I had been friends with for a few years, and fell very much in love with him. After a few months I discovered that this guy, Matthew, actually already knew James - they were very good friends at high school but had drifted apart since leaving. In this time I have had a baby with Matthew - she is now eight weeks old.
In the four years I have been talking to James, I have never known him to have a girlfriend, something I have put down to his shyness and lack of confidence. Recently however, he has started seeing a girl called Michelle, who seems very interested in him. When he started seeing Michelle, I was shocked to realise that I was extremely jealous! I now can't stop thinking about James, and I think that I have fallen for him. I know that if I told him the potential damage that could be caused would be irrapairable, and although my feelings for Matthew aren't as strong as they once were, I do still love him - I just feel like I love James more. I know I can't say anything, not only for Matthew's and my daughter's sakes, but also for James - he has finally found a girl whom he likes and who likes him back, and I don't want to ruin that for him. I know I can't say anything but I don't know what else to do - I think about James all the time, and feel guilty and distracted when I'm with Matthew, because I'm thinking about another man. I also feel guilty towards my daughter, as I want her to grow up in a stable and loving family, and in a loving environment, and I can't provide that for her whilst I am having feelings for someone who isn't her father.
Any advice you may have on the matter would be really helpful and very much appreciated!
Yours Sincerly,
Iz xoxox
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: mom_izbiz
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 8:59am

I think you have the classic "wanting something because you can't have it" syndrome. Chances are you are not in love with James, especially because you have never met him and you simply cannot have genuine feelings for someone over the internet. That's like being "in love" with your favorite author. You don't know him, you know what he types like. Don't confuse this for love.

You say that you don't want to ruin it for him... I think that is wise. He found someone he really likes, presumably in real life, and he is happy. Don't upset things for him. You are jealous and "falling in love" because this guy does not have feelings for YOU anymore, now you don't have his attention but another girl does. It's kind of hard to just not be liked anymore, but you have to let him go be happy because that is his choice and you had your chance with him.

I suppose if they ever break up and you still feel this way, it would be fine for you to tell him that you like him (make sure you meet one another a few times in person first) but I really think these feelings for him are fabricated by you as a result of not having his romantic attention anymore.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mom_izbiz
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 10:21am

It may seem that you have finally "fallen" for James, but that is not what is truly going on here. Your feelings come from jealousy and possessiveness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
In reply to: mom_izbiz
Thu, 08-23-2007 - 12:59pm

Welcome to the board Iz,


You've already gotten excellent advice from the others, I just want to say 'The Grass is NOT Greener'.