Its a long one but please help!!
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| Thu, 08-23-2007 - 6:53pm |
Hi Im new here and this is my first post. Sorry in advance for the length of it and any advice would be greatly apprieciated.
Ok heres a little background. Ive been married for over 6 years now and we have 2 children. The problems started in 05' with my husband. To sum it up he didnt want anything to do with me in the bedroom or out of it, everything was my fault and we ended up seperating for about a month but then decided to work on our marriage instead.
About two months later him and a few friends (that I dont know) wanted to take a road job I told him that I didnt really think it was a good idea but it was up to him. Well he took the job b/c the money was really good. I was a little upset but said ok the only thing I asked him was if the guy he was going to live with( who was seperated at the same time we were) had cheated on his wife, His reply " no, they just had problems like us". well the day they left the wife informs me that he had infact cheated on her and thats why they had seperated. When i asked him about it he said he hadnt known. I asked how that was possible they were pretty good friends. He still said he didnt know. Well about amonth after the job started he tells me the guys mother-in-law was going to move in to the camper with them (4 married men)and was supposedly sleeping in the bed with her son in law,I was a little shocked I mean why would any mom do that?? he said what all shes doing is coming to work here. Nothing else is going on.
Well the first time I saw her was when I was dropping him off to met his friend(he rode with him on the weekeds they came in) I see a car and his friend is talking to the person, when I get out of my car, the looks back sees me and takes off. That was the "mother-in-law". Everytime i dropped him off she would either be in the store in the back of the truck,or shed take off, she avoided me like the plaque. When I would confront my h he would say he didnt know why and he would always get defensive saying why does it matter im not cheating on u,or God i have to walk on eggshells around u, I told him it wasnt him it was her something wasnt right about a mom who would sleep in a camper with for men and sleep in bed w/her son-in-law(thats where he says she slept). I finally after 3 months had enough told him he wasnt living in that any longer,and he was so mad, saying i just didnt trust but I still move over there.(just so u know I still have never met this women)
After i was here for about month I had trouble with our cell bill and started going thru them all b/c of it. Well last summer there is 1 number called over a 100 times (thats just one of the months), I had no idea if it had called in b/c we cant view that on our bills, but I knew that i had never seen the # before so called him to ask about it he repeated it a few times and said nope dont know it, So i explain about the amount of times it was called and he says that was almost a year ago i dont remember it.(it was more like 6 months ago at that time). So I call it and the guy said he had just got the number, so i pay to find out who owned it, and lo and behold it was registerd to a women.To shorten this up a little here is a sum up of what happened next he cusses me out twice in 2 days telling me he dosent know it I tell him why not call friends and see who it is he says he dosent have to prove anything to me b/c he dosent know who it is, I call our phone company to say its an error they inform that there was a few 1 hr incoming calls from that number, I told him this and he tells me its an error or the devil put those calls on there, he never cheated on me.
I had a really hard time buying that but I stopped looking into it, about a month later I knew something was wrong with him so i continued to ask if he was ok was something wrong and he kept telling me nothing was wrong. Well a couple nights later he tells me I never mad him happy, I was destroyed that was the meanist thing he could ever tell me, Im balling my eyes out infront of him and he is telling me the things about he dosent like, very mean things and somethings I cant change b/c they were done to kept me healthy(like i cant have anymore children) which he knows I already have problems dealing with. When I asked him if this was the end he said it looks like it. I blew up at him telling him that if he is cheating on me which i think he is I will find out who and for how long and I would make his life and hers a living hell like he had mine. I told him that he needed to stay home the next day from work so i could show him when his bills are due and so he could tell the kids bye, I also told he had one week to fiqure what he wanted and then I was coming to get the camper and he could find someplace else to live. HE WENT TO WORK INSTEAD so when I got up i sent him a text assking if he told his kids bye his exact reply was "yes", one friend of ours called a few min later to ask me why i didnt want him anymore I asked what are u talking he said my h had told him it was all me I hung and called H and tell him how can u tell people this is me b/c u know thats not true he then says hes coming home. he was here for a few hrs when he tells me not to leave he cant live with out me blah blah blah. So again I stay
Well a few weeks ago he had to go back to our hometown, me and the kids stayed home
he called that morning a few hours after he got there and guess what he just happened to bring his clubs and an extra set of clothes along with all his bathroom stuff, oh and he found someone to go with him to play golf,knowing we had a sitter for the night, at 5 he calls and says he guesses hell head home I tell not to b/c it would be to late to go out when he got back I also told him that i was really hurt by him choosing golf over a date with me. I call him back at 7 and he said he was leaving right then (he was on the road) he didnt get home until 10 and it only takes about 1 and 1/2 hrs at the very most and its if theres traffic it could take 2, thats how long it takes me and he drives faster then me. when he got back at 10 we had a big fight and I just happened to look at his phone there was supposebly no calls made or recieved that night for his drive back I was the last name to of call and i called at 7
Well the other day I got our cell bill in and on that night he had an incoming call at 8 pm for 26min and the part that really bothers me is that it was a roming call and he was supposed to be 4 hours from the town it roamed out of. The cell compay said thats highly unlikely, maybe it could happen if the phone had been in the middle of nowhere and that was the only tower it could find. Well that shouldnt of been it b/c he should of been on the road and we never roam from here to our hometown. and the times that i go on roam here which is closer to where he roamed that night,but still 2 hrs away it shows the town im in ive NEVER showed me roaming in a town i wasnt in on my bill. He just said he didnt know how that happened for me to tell him, and that he didnt know who he was talking to, for me to tell him who he was talking to, i said how the heck am i supposed to know I wasnt there and it dosent show the number on the bill it just say incoming, he then says well then how am I supposed to know. i told him b/c it wasnt even a month ago and it was the only person he talked to when he was driving home it truly shouldnt be that hard to remember, right??
He tells me that i overreact about everything and why cant I just trust him he has never cheated on me. Iam so confused now b/c ,maybe he hasnt done anything wrong but there is sooooo many unexplained things and the way he reacts to those things dosent make since. Hes always tring to turn it back on me by telling for me to tell him what he did or who he talked to.
Sorry for the length tried to shorten it a little bit but still kinda long. Am I being paroniod about it all, or does it all sound suspicious to everyone else also.
Edited 8/23/2007 11:10 pm ET by mom_mabie

First of all, a friendly tip - you give far too much information and it's hard to stay with you. Bottom line as far as I could tell is that your husband treats you like crap, blames you for everything that is wrong in his life, gets defensive with you when you confront him about questionable behavior and has done nothing to fix the marriage. He says hurtful things to you and is critical of you and has so thoroughly manipulated you and brainwashed you that you believe you could be at fault.
How many hoops are you willing to jump through for someone who is in all likelihood cheating on you while you go out of your mind trying to figure out how to please him? I've been there with the porn thing. He didn't want sex with me because his fantasy girls looked so much better - guys like this don't change because they are never responsible for the pain they cause. It will ALWAYS be your fault. I hope you get this while you're young. It took me a long time.
Just so we're clear - there's no way in hell you talk to someone 100 times in a month and have no recollection of it - especially hour long conversations. If you can know this and accept that he is lying through his teeth you can begin to trust yourself again. And when you begin to trust yourself again, you will begin to take your life back.
Good luck!
Welcome to the board mom_mabie,
I'll probably get blasted for this but here goes....
Why is it that us women will deny our own gut feeling and want so much to believe in a guy pulling this kind of crap?
Thanks, for letting me know im not the only one who dosent believe it, I was starting to wonder if I was going crazy here. We did try the counsling but to me it was a waste of my time and money he wouldnt open up at all he just kept saying what bothers him about me and I already knew that. I do realize now that I do need it, b/c this has truly consumed me. Im constantly second guessing myself now,and I always wonder if hes lieing.
The only reason I havent left yet is ( I know this will sound stupid) but I want proof so I can shove it in his face and then take him to the cleaners and I dont want to make a mistake.
If anyone else has thoughts or advice please let me know.
Thanks
Oh and I tried to shorten it a little bit sorry I had all the info in it I didnt realize how long it was until you said something thanks :)
Don't worry about the length, I read every word....if it could hold my attention, it's fine. LOL
Hire a PI.... it might be worth it for your peace of mind.