What if your soul mate isn't your husban
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| Thu, 08-23-2007 - 8:10pm |
I met a man almost 4 years ago (about the time I met my husband). We had an instant connection. The earth and time could stand still when I'm next to him and I wouldn't even notice. It's always been bad timing for us. But, we can go 6 months without talking and as soon as we do, we have an amazing connection. We can talk about everything, we have so much in common and it's so easy. We've discussed being together, but nothing has ever happened.
My husband and I have a toxic relationship and it's been that way from day 1. Last year I left him, but couldn't get far enough away. He sucks the life right out of me. As unhappy as I am with him, he's got a grip on me. He's had a terrible childhood and I feel responsible for his happiness in some ways. However, now we have a 6 month old son. Sadly, if it weren't for my son, I would say I wish I never met him.
So, there are a couple of issues going on here. I want to get out of my marriage not because of another man, but because I know there is more to life and love. Could this man really be my soul mate?

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Forget about the whole soul mate thing. Not that I don't believe in soul mates but you need to be dealing with the reality of an unhappy marriage and work on getting your power back not shifting your energy into fantasies about this guy. He makes you feel good. Enjoy that but don't worry about whether there is a future there. Sometimes people come into our lives to wake us up to possibilities - that doesn't make them the be all and end all of the journey. You have a lot to work through before you are ready to contemplate creating another relationship with someone else.
You are not responsible for your husbands happiness and he has no grip on you that you don't give him. If your husband is toxic then your soul mate is probably someone else but not necessarily the other guy.
Find yourself a good book about the emotional process of divorce and moving on. There are also good books out there about setting boundaries. You blur your boundaries and your ability to create a healthy relationship when you become responsible for other people's happiness. Your husband is responsible for his happiness - you are responsible for yours - his childhood does not come into play.
Welcome to the board mbraz05,
I agree with putting aside the issue of a soul mate' as what you have found yourself in is a very limited, negative karmic situation with your husband. This other guy could just be 1) a kindred spirit or 2) the 'push' and/or stepping stone that gets you out of a bad situation.
Hi Ladies,
Thanks for your thoughts. You've given good advice. It's the advice I would give to a friend if she were in a similar situation. I just thought maybe this guy was more than that. I told myself that at the very least this man proves that there is more out there and I am capable of having a loving and fun relationship.
The problem with my husband is not only is he toxic, but he can be charming too. He's accomplished and handsome (although our physical chemistry has never been great). I've left him 4 times and the last time I left I swore it was for good. But, he begged and pleaded...cried and cried. He knows exactly what he does wrong and he's determined to fix it...when I'm ready to walk ou the door. So, I gave into him again and agreed to seek counseling. Needless to say that only worked for a short while.
We'll see...I know it's going to get worse before it gets better and I'm trying to muster up the strength. Now, I have a son to think about too.
Thanks again.
Getting therapy for yourself will help you with setting boundaries and identifying unhealthy patterns (how he manipulates you - why you allow it). Once you do that it is so much easier to become an observer rather than getting sucked into the drama. And read - read - read - read - read. Check out The Verbally Abusive Man - Can He Change, by Patricia Evans. You will get there. It's not subject to any time table but your own. I couldn't stick with the divorce decision until it was no longer an emotional decision. I got to a place of just knowing it couldn't continue and negotiating it was no longer an option. I wasn't mad at him anymore - I wasn't beating myself up anymore - I was just done.
As for the other guy - enjoy the gift he has given you by reminding you that you are capable of and deserving of so much more! And whatever happens, happens.
FYI - they will always cry and beg but actions speak louder than words and he's not backing it up with positive, proactive, behavior.
Edited 8/24/2007 4:28 pm ET by sjmystic
Whether or not this other man is your soul mate is not at all the issue, it's speculation. The two of you have
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Did you find yourself getting sucked back in when you were trying to leave your husband? I know what you mean about being "done." I felt that way last year. I just wanted it to be over so badly. Of course, then I found out I was pregnant and I had to at least try to believe he could change.
Lately, I've been feeling like I wouldn't even want to be friends with him, let alone be married to him. Hate is a strong word, but yet, some days I really can't stand him. Still, I have to admit, lately he senses me pulling away and I can see the sad look in his eyes. It makes me feel weak.
I got sucked back in more times than I could count - only to be hurt and disappointed, lied to and betrayed again. It helped me immensely to stop having sex with him. My therapist and I both agreed that sex confuses emotions and can create a false sense of intimacy and connection. Disconnecting from his feelings and my sense of responsibility to make everything okay for him took longer. I did a lot of reading - praying - meditating and soul searching. Start redefining your life from the perspective of what you want and need. Do you work? Do you need to go to school to get a good job? If you don't already have a support system get one - not friends that judge you or him but people who provide a loving, reassuring presence as you go through your paces.
You're not responsible for that sad eyed look. I finally came to the conclusion that the best thing I could for my husband was to let him go. I was a classic enabler and when you enable others not to be the best they can be and not to be accountable for their bahavior and the consequences you really aren't helping them.
It's not your job to save him - he's a grown man. I grew up in an abusive home and have been in an abusive marriage and while I would expect a partner to be careful with those wounds I would never consider it an entitlement to hurt anyone or be disrespectful of others. A painful past is not license to inflict pain on others. NEVER EVER excuse hurtful behavior. Once you start it never stops.
Why did you marry your husband if he was toxic from Day 1. You are asking for advice that you should have thought of before you married him. I think you need counseling to learn to make better decisions.
Cinder
We haven't had sex in soooo long. I used to want it. Since I became pregnant I can probably count the number of times on one hand...I know, sad isn't it. If I didn't know any better I would think he was cheating on me. He's never home and he rarely initiates sex...most guys beg for sex. He could be cheating on me, but I think he's too miserable and so out of balance to conceal something as big as cheating. Plus, I think he's just weird about sex...It's funny though because he knows I can't stand him right now and he tried the other night...he's trying to pretend everything is ok, so he can blame me for "not trying." I'm catching on...
You are so right about enabling! I never really looked at it like that; classic behavior modification. I've never really given him a chance to be accountable because I always take him back.
I'm happy you got out. Did you have children at the time? That is what's holding me back. God forbid he ever tried to get custody of my son. It would never happen, but he'd fight for him inspite of me. He works too much and he doesn't have a clue about caring for him. But still, I have to maintain a decent relationship with him for at least the next 18 years of my son's life, so I have to be civil. But, all I really want is to never see him again.
obviously cinderellawannabe...that's the kicker about hinsight. I wish I knew I would be sitting here having these feelings. I didn't know that he would slowly drain the life right out of me.
oh, and I didn't actually ask for your advice about my husband. I know what I have to do about that, I know I need counseling and YES, obviously, I need to make better decisions.
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