I wonder about the effects of his x-wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2007
I wonder about the effects of his x-wife
2
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 2:11pm

I've been with my boyfriend for six months now. He's in the process of getting divorced (she's an alcoholic and extremely unreliable and it's taking months for a settlement); they were married for three years, but he (and several of his family members) has told me how unhappy he was the whole time, until he finally left.

He tells me over and over that he loves me and that he's so happy with me - happier than he ever thought he would be. We share similar values and interests, but are different enough to keep it interesting. His sister told me that he's acting like his old self again - the way he hadn't been for the nine years he was with his ex.

So what's the problem? He tells me that I'm looking for trouble where there isn't any, but I get upset when I think about him leaving her. In short, I'm afraid that if I'm too emotional or needy, that he won't want to be with me anymore, either. (And of course, this just makes me more upset and emotional.)

I've fallen in love with him and can see us together for the rest of our lives, but I sometimes feel like I'm trying to sabatoge the relationship by pushing him to a point where he won't want to be with me - just so I know where it is. He's been patient and wonderful (he just called me from work to see how I was), so how can I convince myself to believe him and just enjoy his love and friendship, without letting his ex ruin it?

Any advice is appreciated...none of my friends or relatives have been in a situation like this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 08-25-2007 - 6:32pm

Welcome to the board gal_maryh,


The boards are a little slow on the weekend, but hopefuly come Monday you will have some more responses.


First, being an alcoholic and being needy is different in my book.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 6:08pm

Sorry you are going through this.

His ex can not ruin it because she is not his ex yet, she is his wife they are still married, until the divorce is finalized that is what she is. You do need to be concerned, because most of the relationships that start as yours winds up falling apart. Regardless of how bad the marriage is, it takes times for someone to grieve the death of the marriage.
Your relationship might work out with him, but you could be the transition relationship, or even the rebound. He needs time to heal after his divorce and the majority of people think they are ready for a relationship at the time, but so many times it is not true.

Put yourself first, work on yourself, respect and love yourself first. If that means letting him go until his divorce is final and he heals from that then so be it. If it is meant to be it will be.

Good luck