I'm cheating but now....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
I'm cheating but now....
3
Sun, 08-26-2007 - 9:39pm

Okay, let me start at the beginning. My DH is a workaholic. I knew this going in, and it didn't and still doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that even after work is done, he finds other things to do rather than spend time with me. He'll be on the PC playing internet games, etc for HOURS at a time, we don't even sleep together anymore because he spends his time on the computer and often ends up falling asleep in the chair or on the couch.

I've told him. And told him. And told him, and cried and cried and cried. He'll wax poetic about how much he loves me and I love him very very much too but what I say goes in one ear and out the other. He's constantly making promises like "the minute I get home, it's just me and you for the rest of the night." Yeah, if I want to sit next to you while you play WoW! (I swear, according to women I've talked to, WoW is destroying more relationships than I can even count)

I developed a repor with a friend, and things developed into something I'm not proud of, but I'm not really ashamed either. Fact of the matter is, our relationship is BETTER now than it's been in several months! I come home and I'm relaxed and feeling better, I kiss him on the head and I'm happy with the amount of time we spend together. I'm not upset anymore, I'm not complaining anymore, and I just feel like...like something really good is happening. The only thing is I know he would view it VERY differently than I do (duh)

I love him, I don't want to leave him, and my friend knows that. Going into this I told him that DH stays #1, this is to be discreet and no strings and I will never leave my husband.

Is it really so bad to get what you need to make you a happy person and alleviate stress from your relationship? If you ask DH how things are going, he'll tell you there's been a marked improvement in my attitude as of late. Part of me knows this isn't right, but the other part says "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

Okay. Now you can tell me what I know I'll have to hear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 7:39am

I think you know the answer. You are being incredibly selfish. I think you are seeing an illusion in your relationship with your husband. You have done nothing to resolve the issues you had with him, so you can't say your relationship has improved.

He will find out about your affair, whether or not you believe this, he will notice changes in you and will connect the dots in time.

If you want to stay with you husband, you need to dump the affair partner and work on your relationship with DH. This will involve counseling. I'm sure there are posters who can recommend books to you to read as well.

You can only change yourself. Your husband has some work to do too to fix the relationship. However, before you damage it beyond repair at least try to do your part in resolving the problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 7:40am

While things seem great now that you have someone else to distract you, it's not going to stay great. Over time things will change. What you can expect to happen over time is that you're going to end up feeling guilty about sneaking around. Your feelings for your husband are going to fade some because you're devoting your attention to someone else. You could end up starting to fall for the other guy over time, which opens up whole new possibilities for misery.

Sooner or later your husband (unless he's even more clueless than I can imagine) will start noticing that you're distracted and may react to that. And sooner or later he will find out about your affair if you continue it for long. Your marriage is already at risk because he's been ignoring your needs, but this all puts it at even more risk. You say you won't leave him, but he could well end up deciding to leave you once he finds out what's happening.

One thing you could try (and I can't say I really recommend it) is to try talking to him one more time. Just tell him that you can't cope anymore with being ignored and that you'd like to consider having an open marriage so that you can get your needs met without having to sneak around. One of two things might happen. He might say yes in which case at least you wouldn't have to worry about guilt or him finding out. Or he might be so shocked that he could actually consider changing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:22pm

Hi leetah_pini,


I'm going to start from the beginning of your post.