Please help, so confused and sad :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Please help, so confused and sad :(
14
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:28am

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and we have a great relationship. I know he loves me to death and I feel the same about him. Well this past weekend he went to a bachelor party, and he texted me and called me well he was there to say he loves me and goodnight, well he comes home and his phone beeps a reminder and I go to clear it and when I press the clear button his dial log comes up and his ex girlfriends number is there. I go and approach him on this and he swears he has no memory of talking to her, he said maybe he tried to call her to mess with her or what not. I'm so upset, I don't know what to belive, I know he doesn't love her or care for her, he broke up with her b/c she was crazy and he had no feeling for her, but I can't get over this.

He's so upset that I'm upset and has apologized countless times and he told me he would never hurt me, and that he really can't remember talking to her. I know he was drunk, but it's upsetting to think that while he was talking to me and telling me how much he loved me he even thought to call her. I trust him and I know he would never cheat on me and I know he has no feeling for her, but the fact that he doesn't remebmer talking to her upsets me b/c what if he did and doesn't remeber what he said.

I've been crying on and off for the last two days, we both didn't sleep last night and I feel sick in the stomach, as does he, he hasn't eaten anything in 24 hrs. I don't know how to get over it, it's the not knowing that is killing me. We've talked about it and he swears he doesn't know why he would call her and he really doesn't remeber calling talking to her, but I'm having a hard time beliving that. He remembers talking to me around the same time. I would actually feel better if he did remember and told me he was playing a joke.

What do I do, how do I get over this? I have insecurity issues really bad and I'm always scared of not being good enough for him and this only makes matters worse. Even though he constatnly tells me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, I can't stop thinking about it and what could of been said. He told me he would do what ever I want to make it better, he said he'll never drink again, he deleted her number (which was only in there b/c she would try to contact him early on in our relationship and he wanted to know it was her if she called)

Now, I know some of you are going to say that he still cares for her, but there is no doubt in my mind that he doesn't, and it wasn't just b/c of what he said, him caring for her is not my concern, it just, why!, Why did he call her, do guys do this when there drunk? Call and play prank on their ex's, he's 27 it's not like where in highschool anymore.

Please help, both guys and girl opinions would be appreciated.

Thanks

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:32pm

Welcome to the board nygirl07,


That's a tough one. I can't tell you what happened or why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 4:23pm

...he broke up with her because he has no feeling for her.

That is a lie. You bought it, as the fisherman says - hook, line and sinker.

He may have lied to himself too. Anyway, if he lied about that there is probably more. Don't be hard on yourself, just realize love is blind and then try and really see him for how he really is (vs what he says).

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:18pm

I have a hard time believing that he doesn't remember calling the ex. Especially if they broke up a couple of years ago! Why would he even have the # handy, he'd have to look it up I would think. Can you think of any other instance where he's blanked out on something? Honestly, would you forget calling an Ex? I doubt it!

Do you think he could be sick with guilt? Upset that he got caught? Yes, he's probably sad you are upset, but I would seriously wonder if he's feeling guilt for contacting the Ex, which is part of why he's not eating, etc.

He may not love her, but I he is obviously thinking about her for whatever reason. Perhaps curiosity? Who knows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:12pm

What are the possibilities-

A friend used his phone to call her and cause problems for you two?
He called her because he misses her and does so when he is drunk?

Calling her to mess with her doesn't make sense. How is that an excuse? It is totally immature.

What are your options-

Call her and find out what is really going on? Move on and trust him? Don't trust him and break up.

How did you know that his ex girlfriend's number was on there unless her name came up? And if her name came up, why is she still on his phone???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 7:22pm
wow u get such mixed responses from diff. boards....i trust this man and I know he would never do anything to hut me..he was drunk amd made a drunk call goofing off..her # is in his phone b/c if she calls he wants to know it's her..she's a nut..i have an ex's # for the same reason...and I know he doesn't care for her not b/c he told me but others told me how he thought she was a nut and tried to end in earlier..i've even seen the emails
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:52am
Sounds like you've answered your own questions. Isn't that great? Now you no longer need to be confused and sad.
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 12:43pm

So, since he doesn't remember doing it, then he obviously doesn't know *why* he did it. Neither of you can say if he was "goofing around" or not.

If you're prepared to let it go, then that's great.

BUT, have the 2 of you discussed this happening again? If he can't remember, and doesn't know why, then how can he say that it's not going to happen again? What if the 'why' factor, whatever it was, sneaks up on him again? Since he doesn't recognize the 'why' behind it, then it can sneak up on him and he won't even know it.

Are you ok with him calling her again the next time he's drunk and feels like 'goofing around'? I mean, he can hardly say he 'learned his lesson' if he was so drunk that he lost control of his faculties and doesn't even remember.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:29pm

ok, well some of you seem to be so sure that he did wrong and yes we have talked about it. I would like you all to know that he was at the bachelor party with my brother and 4 other guys who I grew up with, I think if he was calling for anything other then a prank he wouldn't do it in the same room with my brother right there, that's why I think it may have been an accident. I don't know what's happened to some of you, but I'm going to go with what some other posters have said and trust him, b/c I do.

Some of you seem to be getting a little sarcastic with me, I asked for help, yes, but I did what I felt. I have a very low self esteem, and yes I know he shouldn't of done what he did and it was immature, but haven't any of you been drunk before

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:53pm
Why did you ask this question, since you seem to already know the answer? People are writing trying to help you and take your side, and you turned it around on them saying they're wrong and that you already know why he did it. I'm sorry, but that's not how you came across in your original post and I find it hard to blame these people for answering the way they did. I understand that you want to give him the benefit of the doubt (and you should) but when you look for advice on an un-biased messageboard you should probably try to be more open-minded. I don't think anyone is trying to attack you at all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 5:01pm
I did ask for advice and when I replied what I decided to do, I got a sarcastic remark back. This is why I said something. Instead of getting a reply making me feel better, I get replies making me feel like I should never forgive him.

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