Help, marriage problems?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2007
Help, marriage problems?
2
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:25pm

I fear my marriage is in trouble, but don't know if I am just paranoid, or what I can do about it. I asked my husband to go to counseling, and he doesn't want to.

My husband and I have been married for over 8 years, and up until the last 6 months I thought (although we've had our problems) everything was great. Here is our history:

we got married way too quick- had only known eachother 3 months, but were madly in love. When we were first married we used to do a lot of things together, have 'dates', etc. Then, 6 months after we married, he got a job where he was working constantly- almost 70 hours a week at times. He finally got a job about 2 years ago where he has some time now. Then I went back to school and was constantly busy. Basically, for much of our marriage, one or the other was always busy. At the beginning we would make an effort to have at least one 'date' night a week, but this slipped as schedules got crazy...
When we did have time together it was good, maybe because both of us were so busy it meant a lot for us to spend a little time together.

I've had a lot of health problems the last 6 months, and may be infertile. I finished school. I find he doesn't want to spend time with me. Although we still are intimate, we don't DO things together. He seems cranky/irritable/snappy at me almost constantly. He doesn't want to go on 'dates' as I am taking a new job with a pay cut and he is worried about money. Things we used to enjoy doing- like going hiking that doesn't cost money, he doesn't want to do because he got stung by bees and is really allergic and could die if he gets stung and we are outside somewhere. Basically, I feel this huge distance between us, am trying to get close again, but feel like he has an excuse for everything as to why he doesn't want to spend time together. The only thing he has been willing to do at all is play video games a couple of hours a week. He feels like I'm 'pestering' him, and it should be Ok to spend time together or not spend time together, and I am making an issue of it. I am also lonely, as most of my friends live far away, and I cant afford the $ to go visit them.

When we do fight, it usually ends up with me crying, him threatening to leave, then storming off. I feel like he has all of the 'power' in the relationship.

I love my husband dearly and want to to save my marriage. I fear his crankiness and not wanting to spend much time with me is a sign that he no longer wants to be in our marriage. What can I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 1:09pm

Welcome to the board desolation,


The more you want his time with him and to spend time with you, the more he will pull away. My suggestion, put on your hiking boots and go without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 5:12pm

Welcome to the board,


I am sorry you are having these problems. I can tell you are frustrated and worried. While everyone does need "me" time, it is still important to spend time together. Maybe you could rent movies watch a week and watch them together.


If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you, than go by yourself.

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