thoughts on what to do pls .. help!
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| Mon, 08-27-2007 - 7:06pm |
Here's the story. My BF of two years recently cheated on me. It all happened very very fast, he denied it all at first of course - but within a few weeks of "seeing her" he was telling me he wanted to move out. First he denied that he was moving in with her, but eventually that truth came out, and that is when he also said he think he loves her. He's not moved out yet - he's away for a while (a month and a half) - and when he comes back, is when he said he's going to move out. Everything in the apartment is ours, we bought everything together, we have one vehicle (one is broken down) so he needs to fix that one before he can leave. There's just so much that needs to get done, and to think he's just going to disappear on me - it makes everything horrible. He is deploying in december, so our lifes are busy as it is, with taking care of the apt, cars, things, everything ... and he wants to leave????
But now, he sends me txt messages everyday saying how much he miss me, and how much he loves me and he's so confused and don't know what to do. She sends him e-mails every other day, telling him how much she loves him and wants to be with him, and marry him etc etc. She knew everything about me, everything - so the disrespect from her is unbelivable. She's younger than both of us, close to 10 years, and I know it's the attention he gets from her, and the excitement of the "younger" girl, that makes him think he loves her. He asked me "do you think you can love two people?" .. I told him I don't think you can. I think you can only LOVE one, but you can "feel" love for more than one, but that's something that will not last.
He's going to be gone for a 15 month deployment rotation, so if we would work things out - we'd have to pretty much start all over when he comes back. I love him, more than anything and I know that they say "once a cheater always a cheater" but I really don't think he would ever do it again. He cries every night on the phone when I talk to him, he says he wish he could turn back time and make things undone, he says he's going to make things up for me and we'll fix it all ... but then, the next minute - he says he's sorry and confused and thinks he wants to "see where things might go with her".
I don't want to give up - but I'm loosing hope. I suggested for us to go talk to someone, when he gets back, and also not to talk to either me or her for a week or so, so he can clear his head and figure out what he wants. But I don't know if I should hold on, or just let him go.
so confused, I know the final decision is mine - and his - but I really just want some thoughts ...

Welcome to the board sofreakingconfused,
He's on the fence and he's going to stay there, because it's easier.
Let go - let go - let go! He is basically going to be leaving for 15 months with this unresolved and you will wallow in misery until 2009 over this. Is that what you want? He won't be back for a month and a half and that is not enough time to work through this kind of betrayal even if he decided to really commit to you. Stop making excuses for him. He cheated on you. Are there really any reasons that make this okay? He is also very confused - but his desire for another woman and his willingness to act on it are unmistakable. And he still wants her - let that soak in. Doesn't matterr how sorry he is that he still wants her - he WANTS her!!!!!!!
You are putting all your energy into wanting him to choose you. You are creating an environment that sends the message loud and clear that cheating on you has no consequences. Love yourself more than you need him.
As for the cars and apartment and things - that's all they are is things. Don't give them anymore significance than that - be grateful you don't have kids.
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