I am to young to be this miserable.
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| Mon, 08-27-2007 - 7:12pm |
So I am 21 years old, and married, with 4 kids. I know im crazy but it all happened so fast and i feel like im just waking up and realizing "what the hell did i do" Here's the story.
I was living at home with my parents, 19 years old, a virgin, desperate to find out what all the hype was about sex. Having not been in a serious relationship before i had no idea what i was feeling, how to make sense of those feelings, or what to do with myself. I joined an online "dating" service..more like a "Get laid tonight" sort of thing. And i met my future wife, who by the way is 9 years older than me. At first we were just having fun getting together occasionaly and having wild and crazy sex, it was awesome. I was comfortable with the age difference and the fact that she had kids. Well one thing led to another and feelings got pretty heavy and so i moved away from my family and friends to live with her, and her parents. And at first it was great, no problems, the kids were in the custody of their father.
Well then the kids came to live with us and i became the stay at home step dad and i started realizing that i didnt want that responsiblity, i wasnt ready yet. But i thought..ok this'll get easier with time. We got married only a year into dating. Also i got her pregnant with my only blood child, and we've been together..married that is for a little over a year. We've moved into our own place and what not but things have not gotten easier.. If anything more difficult. I have to say i am not happy at all, i feel like im missing out on a lot of my youth, my wife is rather controlling at times and so that doesnt help. I dont want the responsiblity of step kids. dont get me wrong i love them to pieces.. but im just not ready for that yet, and i feel as though im doing more harm than good. I havnt talked to my wife about this because i dont know how, i dont want her to get upset. but im afraid that ive stopped loving her. I dont want to be with her anymore, she is my best friend but i dont love her as a wife. i jumped the gun to quick and now i want out.
I am so confused. and so miserable and so angry at myself...what should i do? would getting a divorce really make me feel better about things, would it make me happier?
Anyone that can help would be awesome!!!

It sounds like you didn't have a traditional romance where you dated for awile, and then developed feelings for each other. It sounds like you wanted to lose your virginity, and got your feelings involved in the process. Which is all completely normal at that age, and I'm not trying to beat you up at all.
The issue is what you're feeling now. Is it more that you don't feel like your wife is "the one" for you, or are you more regretting that you weren't able to sleep with more women before you settled down? I don't think that getting a divorce will just make you feel better all of a sudden. It's a painful thing, and I'm sure it will take some time to recover from, but you just have to weigh your options. If you just really feel like your wife is not the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, then it would probably be best to end things. But really no one can decide that but you. You will always be tied to her because of your child together. Maybe it would be good for you to talk to a therapist alone to work through what you're feeling, and see if divorce really is what you need.
I understand what you are feeling, partially, because I too am in my early(ish) 20s and I know what it's like to look at marriage an kids and be like "nope, not me, not any time soon"
So I really feel for you there.
However: you accepted the responsibility of being a stepparent and husband. There is no way you can just renege on that; when you had children (even when you accepted stepchildren) you became the #1 male figure in these kids' lives. Even if you want to just pick up and leave everything, you can't. You have a responsibility to all four of these kids. The step-kids already had their father walk out on them - for that to happen again will be so irreparably devastating. I wish you had written here when you were 19, naive and in love, so that we could have steered you away from this decision... unfortunately the #1 answer to your post now is that you need to stand up for the choices you made because once you bring lives into the world, you are responsible for them above any dreams and hopes and wants you may have for yourself. I don't want to sound admonishing - I just truly hope you won't become another walk-out dad.
That said, it is possible to remain in these childrens' lives and not stay with their mother. If you truly are unhappy then you should seek counseling, either with her or individually, and if that doesn't work then you should get a divorce. But stay active in the lives of your kids, they need you. Their mom doesn't sound like the most glorious gem of a person but you'll be in contact with her until the children are adults (at least).
This is a true lesson you will learn in maturity and responsibility; I don't envy that you have to do it the hard way but you can at least do it the RIGHT way. You sound like a really good guy who just made some quick/bad decisions, I know you'll do what's best for everyone.
Thank you for the words of encouragement, i should clarify though on the situation with their real dad. He didnt walk out, my wife left him because he was an ass and wouldnt help with anything. He does love his kids, and he is always around them, wich makes me feel horrible, because i watch the kids almost 24/7 and do everything for them and i know its normal but when their dad comes around its like they could give less of a crap about me. Im just really confused. I was raised that if you have kids, step or blood that you are their and you support them so that is an area that is fine. I will always be in the kids' lives no matter what, i love them to pieces and have grown horribly attatched to them. I just dont think that at this point in my life that i can handle the responsibilities that come with being a full time stay at home parent. But definitly i will always take care of the kids.
Thank you a lot for your response, it made me feel good to know that im not the only person going through something like this.
Hi musiclover,
The kids behavior is very normal. They love their father, don't live with him so therefore when he's around, you are in second place so to speak.
Is there some way for you to stop being the full-time care taker of the kids? That's a pretty big burden for anyone to take on, but especially for a 21 year old step-father. You've gone straight from your parents house to caring for a houseful of kids. No wonder you feel overwhelmed by your responsibilities. I understand you may prefer not to have to rely on daycare, but, if you end up divorced, that may be the only option for the children anyway. It might be worth a try before you throw in the towel.
Island Girl