he gets upset over the LITTLEST things..

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
he gets upset over the LITTLEST things..
19
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:08pm

Im so fed up with my bf! its been 9 months and we were soo happy and soo in loved. we talked about the future and how we were meant for each other... dont get me wrong, i still love him. i just need some advice!!
my bf gets upset at the littlest things, he is the type of guy when something ticks him off he becomes really quiet, and tends to ignore you, or worst sometimes say hurtful stuff to me when he doesnt mean it. little things as in:
-showing up late at his house when i told him a certain time OR
-when he came back to his room i was talking on the phone with my mom (he picked up his phone and started calling his friends!)OR
-when i simply laughed at him when he hurt himself OR
-when i simply said "hey look at that cute cat" in a passing car, while he was reading something to me. ( he felt like i wasnt paying attention to him)
-this is funny: when he offered to drive MY car and i said no (we had a big fight btw)

These situation shouldnt even BECOME an argument in the first place. because its stupiD!but he does! and i had to spend time breaking it down for him...explaining it to him..sometime i would feel its my fault when i shouldnt.its him! right? BUT let me tell you that im the type of girl when he gets mad i want to know whats bothering him right away. if he doenst tell me i would keep on asking him. i hate when he ignores me!! i dont know what is wrong with him, is he inscure? he loves me too much? i shed so many tears for him, i mean i can only hold on for so much. enough is enough! im so sick of this... what is his problem?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:21pm

Tag, could I say that your behaviour as described would cause problems in many relationships? I'm thinking that you have to look at your own behaviour and not critise him for his reactions.

-showing up late at his house when i told him a certain time

Very rude on your part. Punctuality is simply good manners. At the very least, you need to call him and tell him you're late.

-when he came back to his room i was talking on the phone with my mom (he picked up his phone and started calling his friends!)

What is wrong with him calling his friends if you're already on the phone? Why did this cause an arguement?

-when i simply laughed at him when he hurt himself

Look, I like funny home videos too. And my instinct is to laugh if someone does something silly. But good manners dictate that you stifle your laughter and give sympathy and assistance.

-when i simply said "hey look at that cute cat" in a passing car, while he was reading something to me. ( he felt like i wasnt paying attention to him)

A cute cate isn't worth interrupting someone over. That was rather rude of you.

-this is funny: when he offered to drive MY car and i said no

Why did you tell him "no"? My husband and I used to drive each other's cars all the time when we were dating. Also, why is it funny?

In short, the actions you've described would wear a partner down if they happen often enough. Quite frankly, I'm not surprised that he's getting upset with you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:23pm
I'm sorry but most of those things you listed are viable reasons to be pissed off at you. You should be able to have a conversation without immediately having to point out how cute a cat is, or show up at the time you promised. Don't laugh at him for hurting himself. That's not fair treatment, you're being rude and insensitive. I think if he started laughing at you for getting hurt you'd probably feel differently.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:33pm
but why is it that i never get mad at him. even when he told me hell be here at a certain time and came wayyy later. or when he laughed at me when I hurt myself. i just feel like he is taking things way too seriously then he should.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:43pm

There really are 2 sides to every story. I'd really wonder myself how many things he gets mad about that you didn't list. Also, if it's been 9 months (right?) maybe his true colors are now showing. I found out through experience that 9months is not a long time at all. Or how many things really have been going on that you've maybe ignored until now that he's getting mad at you.
How strong is his madness, or anger?

Now..... if you were to bring this up to him, talk about it, maybe even say, "you know, I'm sorry for noticing the cat, I WAS listening to you, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." IF that happened when I was reading something to a guy, and if some guy said that to me, it would be quite a relief and it would open the doors to possibly discuss some other things that may be bugging me.

I don't know your whole situation and all the details of course. I do agree that if you're going to be late, call. If he gets mad because you called, whew! Red flag.
Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:43pm

>>but why is it that i never get mad at him. even when he told me hell be here at a certain time and came wayyy later. or when he laughed at me when I hurt myself.<<

Perhaps your own personal boundaries are too lax? The fact that he (understandably) gets upset with you for doing these things does indicate that you shouldn't be tolerating them in return.

I don't think he's taking himself too seriously...these behaviours aren't OK. But you must learn to expect more for yourself.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:56pm
i do explain everything to him as soon as i realize he is upset about something. i explained that im sorry i noticed the cat, i WAS listening to you and im sorry if you felt like i wasnt paying attention. he stills gets tick off and wouldnt talk to me. i explained to him how just because i dont accept his offer to drive my car it doesnt mean i didnt appreciate him asking me, and how it is still MY car, and you shouldnt get upset over this.
im the talker you can say.. i want to get everything cleared out..want to hear from both sides, how this made me feel, how he felt...but sometimes its hard for him to open up to me..maybe too soon? he said he usually had to "process" it thro his head..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 8:22pm

That is the way he is, he told you he has to process things first. He is not you, you want everything out in the open immediately he is not that way. Doesn't make you or him right or wrong.... just the way you are, and how you process things.

You need to learn to accept each other the way you are. Next time something comes up let him have his time for a little bit and let him come to you, see how that works. Maybe if he sees you are giving him the time he needs, he will learn to be more open with you, and you will learn to be a little more patient with him. Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 8:27pm

I'm starting to see two sides here quite clearly.

He's a sulker and I can really understand your frustration with a sulker. Not a good trait in a partner. It's far better to get over it instead of dwelling on problems and sulking.

But on the other hand, you're not seeing his complaints as being reasonable. You think he's over reacting. To be honest, your initial description of the problem was extremely patronising to him. But the thing is, his complaints ARE legitimate complaints.

About the cute cat...you need to catch yourself BEFORE he has a chance to get upset. Not after he's said something. For example, "look at that cute cat - Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. Please continue your story"

Regarding driving your car...perhaps he wasn't wanting to drive in order to give you a break...I'm thinking it was more likely that he simply wanted to have a drive. He may be upset because he wanted a turn and you wouldn't let him. We teach our kids to share toys. We wouldn't accept our 4yo saying "this is MY toy and you can't share it". This is really no different - unless you don't have insurance for him to drive or he's a bad driver....

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 8:28pm

I hate to admit this in public (LOL) but I don't want anyone else driving my car either. I work for a lawyer so I've seen a lot!!! Also my car insurance does not!!!!! cover anything if some other driver is driving my car that is not listed on my insurance. Which is no one but me!!!

I did have my ex-b drive my car in the beginning of spring (ex since July 11) because he was going to get the whole thing checked out by a car-fixing friend. (check engine soon light was always on). He did that while I was at work and dropped it off after work. I drive a stick.... I told him when the little red up-arrow goes on, you have to shift. (Talk about learning from experience-the reason why I HAD to tell him that is because my exhusband would drive one of my cars-he was on my Ins.- and he wouldn't shift out of first gear till he hit 30 miles an hour-sorry, I take care of my car, he wound up blowing that car's engine)

The ex-b brought my car back and mentioned that he did what I said, he shifted when the little red up-arrow came on but one time it didn't come on ever and he was hitting 40 RPM when he was suppose to shift to 5th gear. My eyes got so big, then he said, "well maybe it was 30 RPM". That's still unacceptable. He knew better, he was a farmer, you can HEAR when you need to shift, he was trying to MAKE me freak out come to find out. I kept my mouth shut.

I know I'm sounding petty, but it's not petty to me. Car repairs are NOT in my budget when you blow a tranny or the engine.

I can understand "processing" things. But a CAT? I can understand "processing" anger if you were 2 hours late for something with his family that was SO important even if you had a good excuse. Heck, I kept my mouth shut about not shifting gears and "processed" it in my own time and didn't get ticked off at my boyfriend, my car was fine, he did me a big huge favor for free, I let it go.

It just sounds to me like there's more in his mind that what you know.

I mean maybe...... let up on the analyzing, Trying to get things cleared up now, now, now. Trying to get it all out there RIGHT NOW, in certain situations that constant analyzing would drive me nuts too, depending on the situation, and I'm a woman! Try something different and see if that works to actually talk to him.

Sometimes we do the same things over and over expecting different results and it doesn't work.

Oh and another thing..... I was thinking about the, being late, thing. Where I live if a bridge is up or a train blocks you, you;re stuck for 10 or 15 minutes. I actually don't mind if someone is 10 minutes late. I have my boundaries for lateness because sometimes things do happen beyond your control. Even if you forgot to charge your cell phone or you're in a no zone and the cell is out, 10 minutes is fine with me. I refuse to be afraid of someone if something happens and I don't feel comfortable enough to show up 10 minutes late because a train came. I refuse to feel fear if I'm 10 minutes late!

If it gets to be SO horrible that he's counting the seconds so he can have something to get "ticked off" about, there's another reason behind all this. And it WILL get worse until you have to apologize for missing the waste basket and leaving a tissue on the bathroom floor (been there done that!!!)

You've heard the thing, "He's (or she's) just TRYING to find a reason to break up with me".

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2007
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 8:47pm

nooo he is trying to break up with me?
although it did came up a few times, like i said before, he tend to say things out of madness.

one incident where we had been fighting..and he told me out of no where that he needed a break and i said no, he said it would be good for us. so fiinally i agreed, and he said "oh so you gonna let me go just like that?" i was confused and said wahht?? i thou he wanted it and if he wants it one way, i want the other, noone is happy and i cant make him stay with me if he is unhappy! so i agreed! and so basically, he asked me just so to find out how i really feel about him/the relationship! that is not a nice way to play with my feeling because i thou he really wanted a break! i someimes wonder if he does it because he mean it or he was simply mad. i dont know. or he would often "out of anger" break our plans thats already made for the future dates... its like a way of him telling me he "wanted to talk" that is the way i see it. he always say he dont mean the stuff he says.....

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