move on or stay? How?
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 08-28-2007 - 6:32pm |
I don't even know where to start.
I was with someone for 4 years. Two of which, we lived together. We had a few problems, no one's perfect, right? Well after we broke up we were still "seeing" each other, and trying to "work things out". Off and on there were other women. Part of that, I'm ok with, because his mom passed and he became very angry. I'm not saying that it's ok. But anyway, I'm at a loss now, because I don't know if I'm with him because I don't want him to be with someone else, or because I love him and I can't stand to be without him.
How do you tell if you're with someone because you dont' want them to be with anyone else.
I do know that I love him. But this has been going on for so long that I can't tell what's what anymore. Last spring I told him that I just couldn't take it anymore, and I stopped seeing him. We still emailed some. For a while he tried to get me to come back and I was deteremined to be strong because I didn't want to be hurt anymore. Then this year, he called me because his dog was sick, so I went over there to see him. And somehow we got together again. Well I knew that he had a female friend, but he insisted they were just friends, nothing going on. Soon, i found out they were together. He's been lying to us both for a few months now. I have been suspicious that he's still been seeing her, so i ask him and he just doesn't talk to me about it. I get mad at him, then he calls her, tells her it's not working out between us so she goes back to him. This all finally came to a head within the last week or so. I've talked to her online and I found out some things that I had asked him about, regarding him and her, and he lied to me about them. He told me yesterday that she doesn't matter to him, i do, and that he just needed to get some things out of his system. (btw, what does that mean???)
I dont' understand how someone can love you and be with someone else.
I feel like i know what to do, but i can't bring myself to. I do love him, i know i do. If I'm supposed to let him go, i'm so scared to do it. If I'm supposed to stay with him again and try again, then I'm scared that this is just going to happen again.
Also, my friends and some family don't like him because of the way he treated me before. And, I can't talk to any of them about any of this because it's gone on for so long.
I guess that should be reason enough,right? Then why is it so hard! I wish, on one hand that I hadn't gotten back together with him, but I do love him and miss him.
Oh and I have only been with one other person since we split, he's been with several.
I know, I'm stupid all this is reason enough, SO WHY IS IT SO HARD? Why do I still feel so confused?!
I am scared taht I'm not going to be with anyone else. I'm scared taht the good parts of our relationship, I'll never find again.
How do I know if I'm with him because I don't want him to be with anyone else, or because I really want to?
Sorry, I'm sure you're reading this and rolling your eyes. But this is my own stupidity.
Thanks. :)

Welcome to the board brokenhearted05,
There is so much here to comment on.... I'm going to be blunt, k? I'm not trying to be mean, but rather shake you up a little so you can see things differently for your benefit.
::And somehow we got together again. Well I knew that he had a female friend, but he insisted they were just friends, nothing going on. Soon, i found out they were together. He's been lying to us both for a few months now.
He lies and you put up with it.
well, you already got one reply that is clearly a strong pationate push for you to leave this man once and for all. I don't know if that is the right choice for you or not to make. I just think once you make that decision- to run - it only gets easier and easier to hurt other people to get what you want. maybe you need to move on and maybe you need to heal the relationship. you need to figure out your question answers. don't let any one tell you what to do - like to leavehimnow.
first off, i read clearly that you still love this man. yet the reply you got says you don't love him. i guess you don't know your own feeling of love? anyway - if I read what you wrote correctly - you broke up with this man previously and yet haven't really ended it all. you've hung on to something that isn't there like it used to be and you don't know if you are just scared to move on or is it your own issues that are getting in the way of building a healthy relationship?
the only reason i wanted to respond is just to point out that if you broke up with this man before, that you dealt a crushing blow to his ability to trust in you. to believe that you will always be there. if he loves you (more than anyone) and knows that he belongs with you - his head will still keep him from putting his trust back in you (by really putting his heart back in your hands). I just know that if someone broke up with me - and without professional help for us to deal with the relationship isssue and damage to the trust that was done - my brain would never allow me to give my heart back like I did at first. the trust has been violated and is no longer deserved.
if you were coming here, to Ask the Relationship Saver, to find the strength to really leave this man once and for all, then by all means please talk more with the other responder in order to get help with that. i didn't mean to be offensive to the other person who posted to you - it just gave me a sick feeling in my stomach when i read it. sorry.
::u::I dont' understand how someone can love you and be with someone else.
you can if that person you love has shown that they have the ability to hurt you and break your heart to get what they think they want. if you love someone and they have made it clear they don't want a future with you - by breaking up with you - then your natural instict is to protect yourself from the selfish person that will hurt who they want to get what they want.
::u::How do you tell if you're with someone because you dont' want them to be with anyone else.
I do know that I love him. But this has been going on for so long that I can't tell what's what anymore.
this is where short-term counseling can help you to sort through your feelings and really help you figure out what is what.
One foot in and on foot out. Which way do you go? You just need to go one direction or the other.
Sounds like you may want him back after breaking his heart. If that is the case, you need to rebuild the trust if you really want it to work. If not, then you have to really move on with your life. I'd have a tough time trusting you again without you really reaching out to take responsibility for previous errors. I realize he has made them too - but you asked what you can do. It is everyone's dream for someone who ended things and broke someone's heart to take responsibility for that and repair the hurt.
Can you do that? Do you really want to do that? What will stop you from breaking up again with him in the future? What have you done to know yourself better so that it would be different next time around?
I actually agree with Itwinflame that the connection you have with this man sounds more like addiction than love.
Jilly