Emotionally drained

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2001
Emotionally drained
2
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 3:30pm

Hello again....I posted back there on Aug 27 (Need support for what I'm doing) and thank you Carrie for your bringing all up to date by posting my previous discussion. I reread my first post and not much has changed, you are right. A little recap and new info: I want to visit my daughter who is having a baby and also has a hernia that they will repair when they do a C Section which they have decided to do.

Things have gone from bad to worse. My husband is now sleeping separately and is saying, "This is WAR" He continues to say "If you would only go for 2 1/2 weeks, we would have a good time vacationing in California" I'm planning on leaving Sept. 26. I arrive in Australia (missing a day) Sept. 28. She is due Oct 2. So I'll stay 3 weeks coming back to states on the 19 or 20. He keeps saying..."Come back on the 15th or 16th" I haven't finalized the tickets yet because I'm waiting to see what my daughter will hear from her Doctor next Wednesday. As Dr. S said, "He has no right to punish you for what you are doing right in every way" "He is being abusive"

I told him today that he told me a few weeks ago he wasn't going to insist on any dates. It has all changed again. Today I told him that he was being abusive and punishing and he said, "YOU are being abusive" I said that wasn't true and that I wasn't going to stand for his punishing and angry behavior.

But it's difficult and I feel empty and abandoned by him. I won't abandon myself, but it's hard. I am kind and helpful to him and to his children. I feel drained and very upset. It helps to reread Dr. S's words and to know that I am doing the right thing. But he is supposed to be my partner and help me, not impede and hurt me.

One more thing. He said today that he wouldn't be surprised if I saw a lawyer. I said that I had no intention of such a thing and why would he say that. Yesterday he said, you'll come back from Australia and will say you like being independent and won't need me anymore. This is so far from the truth of what is reality. Anyway, please help me. I appreciate any words of encouragement. Thank you all for listening to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:02pm

Here is the old post. if you just update the original post you will get more responses.

I've got a daughter who lives in Australia and she is having her second baby. She has no family there except her husband's and she wants me to come (as I did with her first). I am planning on going for 3 weeks which I did the last time. The problem is this: First husband says "You don't have to go. She can have the baby without you." When he knew I was definitely going to go it became, " how long are you going for." "I think a week or 10 days is good enough." I said, I want to go for 3 weeks (my daughter wanted me for a month but I think that's too long) He then proceeded to say 2 weeks is ok even though he didn't want it but 3 weeks would be too painful and lonely for him. I'm thinking that that's ridiculous. Does he have a life?

His reaction is thus...He is not going to go out as a couple. He is canceling on a trip in August for a birthday party on an island nearby. He is going to go away during the week my 4 children (except the Aussie gal) come to visit. He is also saying, "I am not going to contact you while you are over there."

I had told him that it might be nice if I would go to Australia for 2 weeks and then he would come and we spend a little time with my daughter and family and then we would travel a little in to see some of the country. After saying that he did want to go previously for a vacation, he now states, "I don't want to go to Australia and spend time with babies or family."

Another thing he says is "I'm going to have fun and not be lonely while you are gone" and I said "Good" "That's great!" He then proceeds to say that he means sexually. I told him, I can't control what you do.

I have gone to some events without him and plan to go to the birthday party alone and entertain my children alone. I am not yelling or engaging too much in conversation but quietly going about my business. It is difficult but not impossible. And he is switchy, from being loving and sweet and touchy to being demanding.

Today, we were going to play golf and I was going even though I didn't feel that much like it, but thinking we could be together and I could do something for him. What happened was that after we had another conversation about my going (if you could only go for 2 weeks or 10 days)he said, "Are you playing golf? I don't care whether you do or not." So I decided not to go but in a calm manner. I took a walk to the mailbox and he came by in the car on the way to the golf course and stopped, saying "I admire you...you're not letting an F...ing man tell you what to do" Said in a rather hostile way.

It is a long way to Australia, my daughter had pre-eclampsia with her first baby and I was glad to be there to help because I was sorely needed. I feel that I am not only a wife but a mother. And I want to be there for her. I am sorely disappointed in my husband's lack of understanding for my needs. Three weeks is not an inordinate amount of time and I would not mind it if he needed to go.

He is calling me spoiled and like my mother who went to France for a month (my Dad was happy that she was there). She spoke fluent French and it was wonderful for her.

Thanks for allowing me to vent. Whatever your thoughts are, I'll be glad to have them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:04pm
It sounds to me like you two need a therapist if both of you want to be in the marriage. As long as he accuses you of not wanting to stay married him and continues to sleep on the couch and threaten you, the marriage isn't going to work.