Getting over being played
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| Wed, 08-29-2007 - 5:52pm |
I know this discussion thread is about saving relationships. As of recently I am out of a relationship, not a decision of mine. I am hear to try to figure out where I went wrong. I feel responsible that I wasnt able to keep him happy and make the relationship work. Below is a short synapsis of what happened. I would like helping finding where to go from here, I just feel lost, like my world has been turned upside down.
I had such strong feelings for the guy I was in a relationship with (9months). Even through we live in different states, we talked daily for hours, and have seen each other monthly. I have been making arrangements to relocate by the new year to where he lives.
On my most recent visit, I had a great time with him, anything and everything we did together I cherrished. He meant the world to me, and I believed he felt the same for me. It was during this trip, that I was going to tell him how I deeply I felt about him, and how happy he has made me, and I look forward to building a future with him.
Unfortanately this visit,I noticed that he was acting distant, kept checking his phone, and disapearing for several minutes at time. I got a sense of isolation. I didnt question this because I had the utmost trust in him, felt like he was just needed to deal with work/family isses (things that I could support, but not actually make decisions for him). I put this in the back of my mind.
It was suppose to be a special day for him (his bday). I showered him with gifts/ and treated him all day. Mid evening, he bluntly said, "this isnt going to work..i've been dating other people, I dont have feelings for you". He told me the person he is seeing he has strong feelings for and that the feelings are mutual, and that they have more in common than he and I. To make me feel even worse, he admited that she was the one on the phone all throughout the weekend. He said he wants somebody to be with daily. I have been working on relocating, I dont see why he couldnt wait. I didnt see it coming, i feel real hurt and used. I dont know what I did wrong.
I invested a lot of time, emotions and money (travel expenses, gifts, outings, etc) into this relationship. I felt it was a good investement, we had talked about the future, and I could see a future with him. The problem I see is that I never saw that there was a problem, prior to this trip. Through our daily hourly talks, I never got a hint that something were wrong.
I feel so ashamed. I am an educated woman, and how could I I let myself get played. I am ashamed to say that I was used. I know I need to move on, I've spoken to several close friends and family members, they say it will take time. But I am still stuck, what I did wrong to not make the relationship work. I'm worried that what I did wrong, will carry over to any future relationships I may have.
Thanks for reading this. I feel like I have vented, but heart and self-esteem still feel so damaged.

Hello Msgoldengopher! I'm not new to IV, but am a long-time serial lurker. I only respond to post(s) that jump out at me and yours did. First off, you did nothing wrong, but trust in someone. Unfortunately, the ones we trust in, hurt us the most. LDR are hard to do, let alone seeing one another on a constant. I gonna keep this brief and hope the other more acknowleged posters will respond to you. As I read your post, I truly felt your pain. Take care and my blessings to you and yours.
P.S. - being an educated person has nothing to do with it, when it comes to matters of the heart. Hope this makes sense to you. Like I said, I'm gonna keep this brief.
Welcome to the board msgoldengopher,
You might want to follow the link to the Breaking Up is Hard to Do link below in my siggy.... Sorry you are going through this.
I'm sorry you're having to go through this! The only thing I can see that you might have done better here was to talk with him sooner in the relationship to make sure you were on the same page with what you were both looking for. (I'm inferring that you didn't do that because you said that you were "going to" tell him how deeply you felt about him, but of course that could be an incorrect conclusion, because I do see that you say that the two of you talked about the future.)
Did the two of you talk about being exclusive and have a clear agreement that you were? If so, then he is the one in the wrong, to not have told you before your last visit that he was dating someone else (he should have told you before he started dating her in fact). But if you never did discuss that and agree you were exclusive, then he may have felt he was free to date others (although I still think he should have said something before you visited!). If that was an expectation that you had (that you were exclusive), then it should have been discussed (if it wasn't).
But the bottom line is, you shouldn't be ashamed about what HE did. He withheld information from you. That's not your fault.
Sheri
UGH, first let me say how sorry I am that you're having to go through this!! It's so tough when you've put so much into something to just have it fall to pieces anyway. I've been there, and unfortunately, I'm just now going through it again.
But here's what I really want to say to you, and I want you to repeat after me: THIS BREAKUP IS NOT MY FAULT. You're doing what we all do as the one who DIDN'T want the relationship to end--you're beating yourself up, blaming yourself, and worrying what you could have or should have done to keep him happy. You're spending all your time thinking about what must have been going on in his head and how you could have prevented it. Here is what you SHOULD be doing: focusing on what it is that YOU want! You want someone who is committed to you, and who is appreciative of all the time and effor that you put into a relationship. You want someone who adores you as much as you adore him! Guess what? That person is NOT this guy. I know it's hard, but try to get to a place where you see that HE isn't what YOU want, instead of crying into your pillow because you're thinking of it as the other way around.
When we break up with someone, we cry over the GOOD side of that person. We immediately remember all the good times, all the sweet things he said to us, and all the promises he made. But reality is much different than that rosy picture! If he isn't committed to you, you DON'T want to be committed to him. If he isn't willing to give you what you WANT, NEED and DESERVE, then you should be free to find someone who will.
I'm learning that it takes so much for two people to be RIGHT for each other. I can't wait to find that, but until I do, I refuse to make any future boyfriend my world. We must keep a sense of individuality about ourselves. We must have PLENTY to fall back on when life hands us a tough breakup. Don't lose yourself in another person. Get to know yourself, LOVE yourself, and hold out for someone who ADDS to your complete picture, not completes you. Relationships go through stages, but when you're in it with the RIGHT person, you'll make it through anything that life throws at you.
Keep your chin up....there's nowhere to go but UP from here, sweetie!!
S
M