She doesn’t know I know …
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| Thu, 08-30-2007 - 11:30am |
Hello ladies! :) I wanted to outline my situation with hopes you all could shed some female insight onto my problem. A few weeks ago, I married a wonderful woman I met while touring Eastern Europe in the Spring 2006. She's the girl of my dreams! Our relationship moved fairly fast – engaged after 8 months (she was in the USA all of last summer); married 9 months after that. I’m 39, she’s 22. Anyway, during our engagement period (lets call it December 07 thru June 08), we were thousands of miles apart as her US Visa expired and she needed to return home. It is during this time that she had much to think about …
A week ago -- that being two weeks after our wedding (August 11th) and her entry into the USA (August 6th), I was contacted by a mutual friend who was concerned. She, also from my wife’s hometown in Ukraine, alerted me to the fact that my wife had told her (in extreme confidence) that she really did not know why she accepted my marriage proposal. And, in the months leading up to our marriage date, was dreading that day! To make things worse, I was also told that during our engagement, she was unfaithful, spending several weekends away with one man (married), and even more time with another man (also involved in some relationship AND possibly even expecting a child). Anyway, this man, had been a longtime love of my wife – someone my wife loved for all her life and someone who she had always dreamed of marrying. But, that dream died due to him treating her badly over the years leading up to our meeting (plus his cheating) So, my wife moved on, met me, and the rest is how you’ve read. Now things get wacky -- in the last few weeks before my wife was to come to the USA for good and get married, this man finally told her that he wanted them to be married. And, he wanted her to have his children. From what I know, this man knows nothing of me or her engagement. I think she lied to him -- telling him she was going to the USA to study, not to get marrued. Anyway, this love relevation, I’m told, tossed my wife into total confusion – could her true love actually, really want her now? All of this a few weeks before she was to come to the USA to marry me. Well, obviously, she decided to come to the USA and get married. And, I’m told, after marrying me, she still has plans to leave me in a year to go back to this man in her home country. This is "hot", recent news that our mutual friend just told me about. This contact, by the way, I trust complete and whole-heartedly!
So, what do I do? Again, I’m not supposed to know ANY of this? She does not know I know this. So, to her, her secret is safe. I’ve tried to bring these issues up in a creative way, but have not succeeded because I can’t just come out and say what I know.
Is this just a knee-jerk reaction to her moving to the USA, being married, and leaving her home, friends, and family. A type of homesickness possibly? Or, is this something more serious for me and our relationship. Or, are her thoughts being clouded? Should I come up with some reason to send her home? HELP!!!!
Thanks all!

Hi,
You are not supposed to know any of this, that doesn't matter, what matters is she is your wife and if you cannot communicate with her, why in the heck did you marry her? Come right out and tell her what you know. Communication is a very big part of having a healthy, loving, relationship. If these things are true I would consider them very serious and deal breakers. She is lying to you, she doesn't respect or love you, why would you settle for that? Love does not conquer all...you also need respect, honesty, trust among other things.
She is only 22, that is not mature enough (95%) of the time to know what love is and what it means. Good luck
Welcome to the board ivillage_guy_az,
I think you just need to tell your wife what you have been told and see what she has to say. This is an issue that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later.
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