I read her diary ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
I read her diary ...
28
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 2:33pm

Well, I hope you all welcome men with problems to this board. And yes, I did read my wife's diary. But, please don't shoot me (yet). We've been together for about 2 years and all seemed great the whole time for me. We are newlyweds. But, over the past few months, which includes some of our engagement time, she's acted a bit "distant". I asked her if everything was OK, and she always replied with a simple, "yes". So, not being able to talk to her and have her open-up about what may be the problem, I decided to do my own research. No, I'm not one to read other people's diary -- especially my wife's. But, for the sake of our relationship, I did. And, I found a lot that I did not want to read. She mentioned her strong love for another man across the country. She mentioned wanting to go back to him (I guess he was an old boyfriend as we never spoke about this guy). She mentioned that she married me without being truly in love with me. She mentioned that her family would hate her to leave me, but she did not care. She wanted to be with this man and if it meant losing her mother, she's do it. She mentioned that all she cared about was herself. WOW, for the past 2 years, I never thought she had all these strong emotions being bottled-up inside her. On the outside, she's happy, fun, seems to be loving us, our times together, etc. But on the inside, she's totally different. So, what should I do ???

I read her diary! One big strike against me -- maybe 3 strikes all in one. But, I love my wife more than anything. Are her words true? Or, is she just venting in her diary as it's someone she can "talk" to without being "talked back to"? How can I talk to her about this? We're married now! Trust is so important and I've trusted her forever! Now what? I know I need to talk to her, but how can I do that when I've violated her privacy? If we go on like there's nothing wrong, I'll be hurt (not to mention that pains of a divorce).

Any advice ????

Thank you ladies!

trying to be happy,
Bill

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 3:06pm

Welcome to the board bill,


Don't worry. We love having men post on the board.


Even though your wife will be upset that you read her diary, I really think you need to talk to her about what you read. If she wrote those things in her diary, they have to be true. I mean, why would she lie about things in diary.


Sit down with her and tell her that you want to go to marriage counseling with her because of the things you read in her diary. Tell her you understand her being mad at you, but you felt like you had no choice because she wouldn't open up with you and you can tell something was going on.


Good luck.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 3:22pm

Hi Bill (of course we welcome men here, it's great to have a masculine perspective),

Someone recently wrote a post about having a 22 year old wife he met in Eastern Europe - I don't remember who wrote it, was that your post?

Anyway I don't blame you for going through her diary, I understand why you did it, BUT you realize that what you did was an invasion of privacy and you owe it to her to come clean. That is a good thing - it will spark a conversation that you two desperately need to have. She will be embarrassed, angry, and might not want to talk to you for a while. It's still important that this is out in the open and not hidden anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 12:55pm

I should also mention that this "other" man does not know I exist ... or that she is married! She seems to be playing both sides -- games with me, and games with him. She know's she has a perfect man and the best life with me. And, I know deep down there is a part of her that does love me and a part of her that says she should be with me as life would be much much better on all fronts! On the other side, she tells the other man she left him to pursue an education ... that she will return to be with him in a year. And, she can tell this man she loves him. But, I think she knows that he has a history of treating her badly. So, she lies to him as well.

There is a part of me that wants to teach her a lesson. I'm not a mean person by any stretch of the imagination. But, she needs to know that what she is doing is wrong. I'm considering sending her "other" man an anonomous text message saying that his "girlfriend" actually left NOT to go to school, but to get married.

Thoughts/comments???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:05pm

Hi billm_123,


Your feelings of wanting to teach her a lesson, well, it's kind of normal, but please rise above it and don't resort to being as underhanded and sneaky as she is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:48pm
Have you confronted her about all of this yet?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 1:54pm

I have not confronted her on this. I did try to speak with her ...

Do you love me? Silence -- no answer (tears)
Why can't you tell me you love me -- shrugs, no answer (tears)
Are you happy with me? Yes
Do you miss being home? Yes
Is there someone else in your life you'd rather be with -- no answer (tears)

Grrrrrrr ... why won't she open-up to me? I've told her that there is nothing so awful that we can't talk about and work through. That her happiness is of the utmost importance to me. I think she is afraid to tell me her secrets ...

And I'm afraid to come out and tell her what I know. What to do ?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 2:14pm
Just tell her what you know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 2:32pm

I agree with Carrie. You just need to tell her what you know. I think deep down she knows you know. Otherwise you wouldn't be asking her these questions.


Plus the first step would be to confront her before sending again to this other guy.

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 7:04pm

Well, clearly after reading all of that, it seems impossible to just go forward as though nothing had happened. Those are pretty shocking statements she made. And yes, it's difficult to simply tell her that you read her diary.


Why not let her know that you feel she' distant and that perhaps she doesn't love you anymore? Open it up that way. Don't be judgmental or critical, but say it in such a way that you will allow her to express her feelings to you. Let her know that if she's not happy, you need to know about it so that the two of you can either work it out or make other choices.


She may be surprised to hear you say this. Give her a chance to express her feelings and be as accepting as you can, (which will help her get more out). I'm sure she does have feelings for you or she wouldn't be married to you. Sometimes when an individual marries, they start dreaming of people in the past because they feel that now they're options are cut off. It may simply be a wish for freedom or doubts about being in a committed situation.


The very best outcome here would be for the two of you to seek marriage counseling with a well trained professional person who can help both of you sort all this out.


All the very best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Wed, 09-19-2007 - 2:07pm

An update on my diary issue … for those of you who may remember, I was talking about how I ready my wife’s diary.

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