Understanding

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Understanding
2
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 3:59pm

My boyfriend and I of a couple months broke up very recently. I was very emotionally attached to him. I felt we had a great thing going - we got along exceptionally well, very companionable, our methods for dealing with conflict were similar, and we had outstanding sex.

He, however, felt conflicted because he didn't see himself as being painfully in love with me and as a result that he was missing something from the relationship. He was particularly aware of the gap between our lives - I dropped out of high school, dropped out of massage therapy school, and am nearly 21 and just got my GED, and getting ready to give school another go. Whereas he is 24, college educated, is a Senior Research Assistant in an anesthesiology research lab, and is hoping to be on his way to Stanford soon for grad school. Needless to say, this gap between us did not coincide with his ideal partner/relationship image.

I felt that we could have worked through this. I felt the relationship was worth more than incongruent ideals, especially because so many other things in the relationship were going positively. But then again, I wasn't the one with the issue. So I flop back and forth between accepting that it's over. I've gotten the impression that he has little interest in resolving the conflict. Ok, fine. Hurts, but I'm not gonna hang on someone who doesn't realize what's sitting in front of him.

Anyway, what I want to know is how to deal with this when the other partner is willing to try and work through it? How does one come to terms with the gap between fantasy and reality? What ideals have you compromised in your relationship/marriage? Is your relationship/marriage still happy, healthy, alive? How do you draw the line between compromising too much and too little?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 4:31pm

>>Anyway, what I want to know is how to deal with this when the other partner is willing to >>try and work through it?
If he doesn't want to work through it, it's not possible - it sounds like he wants something that might be kind of unreasonable and fantasy-ish, but he's entitled to end the relationship for whatever reason he wants. Unfortunately love is not an equal opportunity employer, you can't file an emotional lawsuit against him and win him back. If he doesn't want to be with you that's his choice. I think the reason he left is very sad, but he has the right to do it I guess.

>>How does one come to terms with the gap between fantasy and reality?
Again, that's his issue to deal with on his own. He wanted that "spark" that he decided he could only find with someone he saw as his intellectual equal... I know it's tough to hear, but the gap between someone who has dropped out of college and high school and someone who is very education/career-oriented can be HUGE. I know you're trying to make another effort at college, but that doesn't seem to be enough for him. This does NOT make him necessarily more intelligent than you - he simply wants to find someone who values education as much as he does. I think I can see his point, but I do find it a little unfair that he is unwilling to give you a chance despite your educational history.

>>What ideals have you compromised in your relationship/marriage?
None. You shouldn't have to. Part of what makes a great relationship is finding someone who shares your beliefs and values. All relationships take sacrifices to some degree, but giving up your ideals and goals that you want to share with a partner does not a good marriage make. It's important to find someone who is compatible with you as an individual, not someone who is willing to change his/her core ideals in order to fit one specific person.

>>Is your relationship/marriage still happy, healthy, alive? How do you draw the line between compromising too much and too little?
Yes, but it's because we fit one another for who we already are. We have relatively similar backgrounds, goals, and interests - our differences make us stronger rather than hindering us, and we want the same things from the future in spite of a lot of things.

The line is where YOU draw it - I can't tell you where your sacrifices are too much or too little, only you can decide that. Same for your ex. To him, educational history seem very important and I suppose he is entitled to that. He will likely miss out on more than one great girl (such as yourself) due to this restriction he's placed on his own dating pool. Your best bet is to let him go and find someone who truly values you and what you bring to the relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2007
Fri, 08-31-2007 - 5:51pm

Hey, thanks for the reply. It was well-thought out and contained good practical wisdom which I appreciate.

"If he doesn't want to work through it, it's not possible"
Yes, I know. That's why I said IF someone WERE willing.

Edit: Looking back, I didn't say it quite that way, but that's what I meant! Sheepish.

My questions were meant to be broad, applicable to anyone rather than my specific circumstance because I find a lot of understanding from hearing about others' beliefs, experiences, etc. It helps me jog my own brain and question the validity of my beliefs which then generally strengthens them. I'm not expecting you to tell me what I can or cannot sacrifice, I'm asking you to tell me what you will or will not sacrifice. So basically I'm looking for a philosophical discussion as well as validation and reinforcement. Perhaps I should have clarified and maybe I'm in the wrong place, but I thought I'd give it a shot!

I agree that a partner should generally have similar beliefs and values, however I find it hard to stomach that I'll ever find someone who matches up with mine completely... Thus, I see compromise, to some extent, as an inevitability. So, when you find a really great person and develop a generally satisfying relationship, but there's just this one thing that doesn't quite click... How do you deal with it? I'm sure it would depend on what it was that weren't clicking and how important this thing was to the person.

"our differences make us stronger rather than hindering us, and we want the same things from the future in spite of a lot of things." I see this as being very key as well.




Edited 8/31/2007 5:57 pm ET by justkissitdarlin