I am SOO over the BS! What am I doing??!
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| Sat, 09-01-2007 - 3:15pm |
Seems all we do is work work work. We are both self employed (he for 20 years and me for 2.5) I personally think it sucks a lot more then anticipated.
I just feel like I need some stability! Some money to count on, my bills were always paid, I was so independent I loved it! I always had extra cash AND savings and now I hav neither. To top it all off my BF is working so so so much that is all he does and i am sick of it. Super sick of it. I am 29 years old....he is 42 I Have been with him 3.5 years and on one hand I want him to propose-on the other I think "ARE YOU NUTZ?!" He is who he is: A sweet, quiet, boring workaholic.
He is such a "flatline" personality... all of HIS friends even ask why I chose him-they only recently since we started datng got to even KNOW him-even though they had been around him for 2 years before I ever showed up. Hes so nice but he is just out to lunch-he has a disorder that makes him literally indifferent to me and evryone in his life-even his son. He loves us both but rarely feels anything at all for us-not becaues he dosnt want to-he just cant.
To top it off his kid is acting just like him-so I am in a house with two emotionless, boring weirdos. How mean was that statement? I am aware it was pretty bad. I am so confused on one hand I feel like they are misunderstood-on the other I think they are just plain weird. BOTH of them. They in all the time I have known them have NEVER hugged-when you tell the kid you love him he says , "k" I mean HELLO! What little kid dosnt want to tell his mom and dad he loves them?! Learned behavior from generation to generation has made his kid another Weirdo. BF's father told him he loved him once 35 years ago, and has not hugged him since then either...so what does that tell you?
TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS i WANT TO PACK UP, MOVE AWAY AND START FRESH......ahhhh a fresh start. A REAL job, a REAL home, and a REAL boyfriend who shows he adores me as much as I adore him. Versus a self employed hassle, a home that is ALWAYS under construction (BF is a carpenter) and a stagnant stale relationship with a guy with a KID that I find total annoying baggage. I never wanted kids-ever. Personal choice I want my freedom, good job and nice place to call home and heck a nice man to share it with. That is what I want.
I have told my BF how I feel; and he gets so sad it kills me. He says he is so sorry for making me feel unimportant to him, he tries to tell me that he really loves me and does not want me to go. I tell him tha I don't know what to do because I have always put everyone else ahead of myself and by leaving to supposedly find greener grass-I feel like I would be doing just that. I feel like I'd be a selfish self centred b***h. Like I would be abandoning them. I feel like they NEED me...seriously his son has gotten SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much better since I opted to start taking action a year ago. After I snapped that is.
BF was so busy he didnt even notice the kid was going 2 weeks without showers and wearing the same clothes for days, dishes piling up in his room-never changing his socks and underpants, you name it. He was rude, crude, smelly and a TOTAL slob. He has gotten a lot better-there is a LONG way tto go but he has gotten better. I feel like I am supposed to be there for them to help them, but in the meanwhile I am going crazy. I am not a big fan of kids-especially ones with bizarre behavior-I cannot relate. I was made old before my time thanks to a suicidal mother and bipolar older brother that *I* take care of and have since I was 9. I am not some evil person I sware-anyone that dosnt like kids is considered mean I am sure.... I am just a littel tired of taking care of other people-probably whY I don want kids of my own.
Anyway I just want to be spolied for once, taken care of and adored...I feel like I have just been giving giving and getting nothing but expectation from those who receive from me. I am frustated, lonely, and very confused. I cry every few weeks; I have for 2+ years about this enormous void in my life. I dont know what to do.

Welcome to the board girlyone,
Have you talked to him about what you need in the relationship?