Making plans together
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| Sun, 09-02-2007 - 3:20pm |
Hello,
Here is my situation : I am 26 and have been dating for almost 9 months for boyfriend of 28 years old. We live a few blocks from each other and spend about 4 nights of the week together as well as most daytime periods we both have off work. I made the move to start the relationship but I let him say the first "I love you" after 3 months of dating. It was a little slow for me but I liked the idea that maybe it was more thought of and sincere if it took more time to come. He has initially had only one girlfriend for 4 years (they broke up 6 months after they moved together) and had been single for about 2.5 years after her.
My current problem is this one : we hardly ever talk about plans together. I had managed to get out of him that we should move in together next year but I felt he only agreed to keep me quiet. I've brought up the issue recently that I feel we don't make plans together and it's tearing me apart not knowing if he has ANY plans with me. His reply was that he doesn't feel he can talk about these things because he doesn't feel ready. But he also did say that he felt my demand to start talking about plans was totally legit and that after 9 months most couples are talking about these things. He also said he doesn't feel he's allowed to make me feel this way and that he agreed with me that I shouldn't have to drag him into what I want but that we should build it together. We slept cuddled a lot more than usual and this morning and he cried a little bit with me (it was the first time I ever saw him cry).
Personally, I feel like I can project myself to a point in the future without necessarily being "ready" to make the move right away. I also feel that it's going to be very hard for me to be ready if we never talk about these things, even if I want them to happen.
I understand that he takes longer than other guys and at the same time, I would like it to come from him and I don't want to make a battle out of this. We've been going to weddings in the family and it's taken its toll on me (I caught the flower bouquet at his sister's wedding and she seemed so happy that I was the one who had it). Of course there were a lot of jokes made about that during the rest of the evening (i.e. when are you guys getting married?). A lot of people ask me if we're thinking of moving together soon and I would so want to tell them yes but I really don't know what our plans are and it's driving me nuts.
I'm really scared that I teamed up with a guy who's afraid of commitment and I tend to be insecure about my relationships so it's not helping.
I don't want to put pressure on him as to not drive him away and I don't want to forget my needs to a point where I just build resentment for him.
I couldn't spend the day with him because he was picking up his best friend who just came back from months of military service in Kandahar and they're going to have a boy's night out but he's supposed to call me sometime today to check on me. This is very fresh and I feel quite needy at the moment, hence the reason why I'm posting my situation on the board. Has anyone lived something similar that resolved and could advice us on how to go about not having the same timing in our relationship?
Thanks so much,
Em

I don't think you should be feeling pressure to be getting married at 9 months of dating. Sounds like your situation with him can be attributed to a number of things:
1) fear of commitment in general
2) inability to see you in his future in particular
3) lack of readiness, personal or relationship, to think about a greater commitment
All three of these things are changeable/temporary. If this guy is happy with you and loves being with you then there's no reason to think too hard about this. And if you love him and want to be with him then give him a chance to warm up to the idea of having a future together and making plans. Try not to go all "old spinster" on yourself, you're 26 not 86 :) Your future will be great. It will happen. The more laid back about the future with this guy you can be, the more open he will be to it. Give him some time.
I meant to send an update as we had another big emotional conversation last night (we are now soon the 11 months mark). I’ve been having problems forgetting about the issue and brought it up every now and then but this week was too much and yesterday I burst up.
Ok,
Hi em450,
I just wanted to welcome you to the board and say I hope you take Sandra's good advice!