Intellectual incompatibility?
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| Mon, 01-28-2008 - 5:27pm |
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Hi, I am wondering if anyone has any opinions or advice on the importance of intellectual compatibility in a relationship.
My longtime boyfriend is a smart guy and he's got a lot of common sense. But, unlike me, he doesn't have an inquisitive nature or a desire to learn and grow. He has little interest in conversation, nor is he quick-witted or particularly funny. (We laugh at similar things on TV/movies, but HE never makes me laugh).
Do you think this is an area where you need to be compatible in order to be fulfilled long term? Meaning, is it enough to kill a relationship even if you're compatible on all other levels?
Another thing I should point out is: I have a guy-friend (just a friend!) who I converse with often who embodies all of the qualities I mentioned above. I started to realize just how much fun I was having talking to him and thought "Shouldn't I be having this much fun talking to my BOYFRIEND instead?" But I'm worried that I'm just thinking "the grass is greener" since I didn't seem to have a problem with our intellectual incompatibility until I met someone who IS an intellectual match.
What do you think? Thanks!
Edited 2/3/2008 11:08 am ET by saltwatergurl

I agree with the other poster. Intellectual compatibility is an absolute must, it's as basic a need as both wanting to have kids or get married.
You don't have to both have PhDs or study philosophy. But you need to be with someone who is able to keep up with you mentally.
"Shouldn't I be having this much fun talking to my BOYFRIEND instead?"
Well, you may think it's "Grass is greener" syndrome, but the real answer is... Yes.
You've described a guy who sounds very boring as a life partner. I have learned that it JUST SUCKS to be with someone who can't keep up with you or make you laugh. Laughter is the glue that holds many people together during tough or stagnant times. Don't beat yourself up over wanting more, these are important qualities to you and you shouldn't feel like you're settling.
Welcome to the board saltwatergurl,
::I am wondering if anyone has any opinions or advice on the importance of intellectual compatibility in a relationship.
I think it's very important.
::"Shouldn't I be having this much fun talking to my BOYFRIEND instead?"
YES, in my opinion.
::But I'm worried that I'm just thinking "the grass is greener" since I didn't seem to have a problem with our intellectual incompatibility until I met someone who IS an intellectual match.
I think your friend is just showing you what you are missing.
Let me give you a different perspective.
Can I ask how old you are?
I am 37, and way past the age and stage in life where one believes that one's bf will absolutely have to be everything rolled into one.
The only thing is, the OP seems very unhappy - even looking to other men - for this trait that he is lacking. It's important to her, and I understand where she's coming from because it's important to me too. Being intelligent is a characteristic that I find non-negotiable, the tall dark and handsome part is nice but not a requirement for me :) I'm willing to skimp a little big on looks, haha.
So... I guess I take back what I said about intellectual compatibility being a universal "must". The majority of women I know (but then again, most are in my age range - low-mid twenties) want someone who can keep up with us intellectually. It sounds like you and your guy compliment one another very well, it's nice to have skills that your significant other doesn't - and vice versa - you can depend on one another and have a good relationship.
Thank you to everyone for your wise advice. I appreciate it.
Newlyfoundsunshine, you asked my age - I'm 27. I'd also like to add that this isn't necessarily about "intellect" in the way that you seem to think. I wasn't referring to having deep philosophical discussions, etc... I'm talking about having the desire for conversation about anything, which I think is usually connected to an inquisitive nature. For example, our conversations usually consist of me telling him about my day, and then he tells me what he did that day. And then I'll talk about some topic, but he never contributes or asks any questions to further the conversation. So we just listen to the sound of scraping forks until we clear the table and watch TV instead. You mention your guy may not be Einstein, but he's "funny as hell." I can count on one hand the number of times my boyfriend has made me laugh. :) So, I just wanted to clarify that I'm not saying I expect him to be a genius, but I would like to be able to carry on a good conversation with him and just crack up laughing with each other sometimes.
Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate your perspective and what you described sounds like a great relationship. And you make a great point about not expecting your boyfriend to be everything rolled into one. I know that's totally unrealistic, and I do sometimes worry if that's what I'm doing. It's a tough reason to break up with someone you otherwise love very much.
This guy does happen to be tall dark and handsome. But like eggbert said, I don't really care much about that. He can be short and pasty if I connect with him and still find him cute. :)
(Edited for typos)
Edited 1/29/2008 9:19 am ET by saltwatergurl
::I'm talking about having the desire for conversation about anything, which I think is usually connected to an inquisitive nature. For example, our conversations usually consist of me telling him about my day, and then he tells me what he did that day. And then I'll talk about some topic, but he never contributes or asks any questions to further the conversation. So we just listen to the sound of scraping forks until we clear the table and watch TV instead.
I agree, you have to have want to share with each other, have something to talk about and have a genuine and mutual interest in each other.
Hi everyone... I'm back. So I bought the book "Are you the One for Me?" by Barbara Deangelis. And I was working on the compatibility exercises in her book. Well, I thought I'd thrown all the papers away, but one of them was still behind a pillow on my couch! It was the page that listed all of my boyfriends negative traits. Well, my boyfriend found it last night, said "I'm leaving" grabbed his stuff and left.
I felt horrible. I felt so cruel and never wanted the relationship to end like that. I called him and left a voicemail explaining calmly that I'm so sorry he had to see those hurtful things and there's nothing I can say to make that better. But that I was working through a self-help book and it asked me to list only your negative qualities and to simplify them in one or two words. I explained that that is definitely not all I think of him... what he saw was my words, but they were out of context and not the whole picture.
Anyway, he called back and was willing to talk about it, though he wanted to defend himself against some of the traits I had listed. I just kept telling him I understand. He didn't break up with me, but told me to be honest with myself and just do him a favor and end it if that's what I want. I asked him if he would ever be able to move on after having seen that - if he would ever be able to stop thinking that's what I think of him. He didn't answer and instead said "Are YOU ever going to be able to move on from it?"
I feel terrible. I hadn't made a decision whether I wanted to break up. I'm still trying to figure myself out to make sure I know what I really want. I'm trying to decide if maybe my boredom or lack of stimulation is a problem with ME, that maybe I wouldn't be having these issues if I had a more fulfilling life outside of him. (I just moved here to be with him to a new city, and left all my old friends and job to be here.... so I have little else to focus on other him.)
I think the concerns I have about him are valid, but now I'm doubting whether they would have really been a problem for me if the roles were reversed and he is the one that moved to MY city. Maybe if I still had my old life to entertain me, I wouldn't have cared so much that we don't have much in common. Maybe our love and all of his great qualities would have been enough.
I feel like if I am going to try to save this relationship, I need to commit fully and start trying to really make a life for myself in this new city to see if that's really the reason I'm unhappy. But I'm still doubting whether we're right for each other, and if that's the case, I'll only be wasting more time and making it harder on myself to move back to my old city if I get too entrenched here. It's a catch 22.
How do you know how to trust yourself? How do you know whether you're really incompatible or if you're just projecting unfulfillment from the rest of your life onto the relationship? Every compatibility "test" I've taken says we are not right for each other. Specifically, from Barbara Deangelis' book, we were incompatible in the categories of intellectual style, financial style, personal growth, interests and communication - but we were compatible in the emotional, physical, sexual, and spiritual categories.). But do I really base my decision on the results of a test? I am so lost.
I'm so scared that I making a huge mistake. I don't know how to ever come to a decision because I can see valid points on both sides. He said to me last night "I hope you find what you want. Maybe someday you'll realize that you didn't have it so bad." That is my biggest fear. But I'm at a turning point now. I have to decide. I have to commit now to fixing it, or I need to leave. How do you know what to do? Help! What is my next step??
(Sorry for the long-winded desperation - I'm just freaking out and need some perspective.)
That's must have been so hard for him to read.