want to change but cant seem to

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
want to change but cant seem to
12
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 11:25am

Hello. I'm new here....Briefly i was married previously for 12 years to a man who basically married someone that could be like a mother, but that he could have sex with. I had to take care of everything....kids, bills, all decision making, etc etc. he had no desire to think for himself. needless to say, 12 years and 3 children later, i finally had enough and divorced. I met a man that was very independent and thought for himself! He has custody of his daughter and was doing well for himself. i was so happy. we dated, and married after a year.

Now, the problem is that although I wanted someone independent, I have had a very hard time actually accepting it and changing my role!! we've been married going on 3 years. I tend to still be the one in control, wanting to make the decisions and always feel like he doesn't see the valid reasoning for my decision versus his.

Little things; for example: Someone from his work is having a super bowl party this weekend and invited us to come over - well #1 we don't even watch football, #2 we have 4 kids (me 3, hubby 1) these ppl are single/dating & no kids will b there;
#3 its sunday, school/work on monday and
#4 the friends' house is 40 miles from ours........ SO obviuosly I didn't think we should go. Hubby agreed (after some arguing) we could cook out sunday afternoon w/ a diff. group of friends (with kids) @ our house instead.
Problem is that we are working through a really rough patch in our marriage and both agreed to do some changing...I feel like me not wanting to attend this party is against my plan to change. I am like this often, any thing that we can't take the kids to, I tend to avoid. Neither one of us has family where we live, so we can't ask anyone to babysit. My kids don't go to their dads often, and my stepdaughters' mom lives out of state so she only visits her during extended school holidays(if then) So we never really get out. He usually works 6 days a week so even having my oldest daughter babysit on sat. night is usually pointless b/c he is too tired to go anywhere. I don't know where I'm going w/ this.... I have just been sitting here feeling guilty b/c I feel like I MADE the decision for the weekend. I want to do things he likes to do, I just always put the kids first and rationalize too much, I think.. I'm always worried. Any advice? how do married couples w/ 4 children get guilt free time alone? How do you manage to get out and be an Adult sometimes?
In my previous marriage we lived near 2 couples that had kids and we just kind of spent time back & forth at each others' house. Of course, kids were younger, we were younger too. LOL IDK - its like i forgot how to have a good time in life!




Edited 2/2/2008 12:41 pm ET by oh.woe.is.me

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 1:33pm

Welcome to the board oh.woe.is.me,


It's sometimes hard to 'let go' and enjoy life. I understand putting your kids first, but you do need 'alone couple time' to keep you marriage on the right track (IMO).

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 5:28pm

Quick question

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 10:34pm

Please don't take this the wrong way, but have you ever seen a doctor

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 10:40pm
It depends on what time zone you live in -
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 11:01pm

Woe

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 02-02-2008 - 11:05pm
7:30 (approx) West Coast, so East Coast 10:30 - but, leaving a party is kind of normal when one has kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 7:51am

All these observations are valid (especially the one about seeing the doctor), but these will be the only children there, in the home of people who don't have children. I remember what I was like pre-kids: my expectations were very unreasonable, and my awareness of what children are like was non-existent. If I had been having these children over, I would have expected them to sit quietly and maybe pass a tray of snacks.

Thus, I think the decision to cook out at home was a good one: the kids won't be bored, they will be able to go to bed swiftly when the guests depart, etc. If they are a bit late going to bed, and a little tired on Monday, it shouldn't be a major deal, because this is a special event.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 9:20am

sorry for any confusion. If he worked six days a week and could never get off or never wanted to go out on saturday, yes it would be a problem. Usually we don't do anything on saturday nites, but if there is something going on that we really want to do, he has no problem w/ it. In general though, after working 12 hours a day, he is tired by the time he gets home.

re: superbowl - no i dont know when it ends, b/c as I said, we don't watch football, and I've never sat and watched one of the superbowl sundays! But just from superbowl being the well known event it is i know that it is not usually done and over with in a mere hour or 2. I'm guessing 9 at the earliest, but w/ all the commercials, half time etc, I'd bet closer to 10. I really don't know. but that wasn't the only factor. 40 miles is about a 35 minute drive back, but these guys are construction workers, again their single or dating only. No children will be there. we're the only ones w/ kids!! I don't believe their language or the atmosphere would be approrpriate for MY children. One of the guys that will be there has previously invited us to their house, and when we said something about the kids, his wife said "oh, leave the kids at home! " so, these folks really don't strike me as family oriented.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2008
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 9:24am

Thank you,,,,,, i explained just now in a post about the no kids there factor. Thats a big deal. I know the kind of language some of these guys use, and I don't want my kids around it. and my hubby would probably end up saying something to someone about it. He assumes that everyone automatically watches their mouths around women and kids, and thats not the case.

I am now looking forward to this afternoon cookout

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Sun, 02-03-2008 - 10:04am
Why not get a babysitter?

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