Do I Stay or Leave Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Do I Stay or Leave Him?
12
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 9:24pm

My husband and I have been married for a almost a year.


History - He and I have never had the "perfect" relationship, in fact it was quite volatile for awhile. We seem to have calmed down and resolved some of those issue before getting married. However I have always had a problem with trusting him. He has never physically cheated on me as far as I know but he has had at least 3 emotional affairs(via emails, text messages and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 10:04pm

Your husband has no business approaching other women in this manner, via email or any other way. No relationship is perfect, and this is not the way to handle problems. The way he is handling your discord is a surefire path to divorce. You are right to feel betrayed and you should not accept this behavior from

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 2:26pm

Welcome to the board goddess_laila,


Wow, so his excuse for betraying you is because of the state of the relationship (hmm, so it's all your fault?) and rather than dealing with the relationship issues, you, his part in all of it, it's easier to hit on some woman to get his ego stroked and feel good about himself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 3:03pm

Welcome to the board goddess_laila,


You have every right to be upset and feel betrayed. Afterall, this is at least the 4th time he has done this to you. I am willing to bet there have been more times that you don't know about. The thing is he doesn't feel like he is doing anything wrong. If he did, than he wouldn't continue with this behavior. There is also no way of knowing he would have pursued in IRL or not. I am willing to bet he would have.


If you stayed with him, what would your reason for the doing that be?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 4:36pm
i've been in several relationships like this..and all together i have wasted 17 years of my life...some of them cheated in person..others cheated on the internet or on the phone or emotionally in person...
I know you love him, and you want it to work, you might even hope he will change or things will change...you might even blame yourself for his behavior or the way things are...STOP IT! i would stop concentrating on him and start concentrating on yourself...your health, your career your future...i would arrange as soon as you can to move out of the house and leave him..his paterns and history prove he is never going to change...the more you forgive him the more he will do it...and if you forgive him to long you will wake up one day...older,sadder wondering why you wasted all this precious time and youth and life on such a selfish person!
i call these types of men time wasters...because thats what they do...they waste your time, they waste the best years of your life , never allowing you the chance to experience true love or passion or happiness..and they suck all your energy from you making you lonely and devoid of self esteem..i would build up yourself,get in a financial good place or stay with your parents,friends or family if you can...and leave him before your self esteem takes a dive to the point of no return...and unless there is kids involved where you have to see him...i would cut off all contact with him and forget he ever exsisted. This man no matter how much you love him, is a time waster...a waster of your time/life/youth and happiness....his behavior towards you puts you in a depression and that depression keeps you from happiness and joy and real love..it also keeps you from seeing the mr.right out there who may be waiting on you to leave this jerk!
My oppinion is he has done this before and you are not the only one he is treating this way...looking for someone when you have someone is like saying...that your mrs right now or mrs.just in case while he looks for mrs right, if there even is a mrs right...a man like this can never be happy with any woman he meets because all of them will fail to reach his perfect list of standards and expectations that he himself couldnt even live up to!
dont waste your time with some one like this, i'm so sorry your going thru this i know how painful it can be. but your special and wonderful dont waste your time on him...
dont end up like me...wasting 17 years on broken promises and putting your life in limbo while someone tries to figure out what they want..its not fair to yourself...you have an entire life to live, go out there and live it...stop letting him suck you emotionally dry!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 5:04pm
Thanks I have heard of Dr Laura's book before, it seemed extreme to me but I will give it a chance.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 5:08pm

Thanks for the welcome.

I guess I accepted it b/c I'm not perfect myself and I have felt what he has felt and even considered flirting with a previous coworker but I couldn't. I do love him and I want our relationship to work but I'm very unsure of how when I don't trust him.

My background is in Human Resources and that was the second thing that crossed my mind when I read the emails.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 5:14pm

Thanks for the welcome.

Honestly I am more worried about him emotionally cheating on me than I am physically. Weird I know. My reason for staying would be the fact that I made a vow before god to be married to this man for life. I take those vows very serious and I expect him to as well. I love him and I want to grow old with him but I won't be able to keep my vows and my commitment to the marriage if he continues to disregard them. We also have a child together and I don't want to have a broken household.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 5:17pm
Would he be willing to go to marriage counseling with you?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 5:18pm

Thanks.

We do have a child together. I honestly believe he is a better person than what you are describing. And I am far from a perfect wife. I would not want him to throw me to the curb for all of my faults but I also refuse to put up with certain actions so I guess I'm trying to find where the line of demarcation is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 5:22pm
He has mentioned it and we agree to do it but somehow if falls to the back-burner. We have some trouble agreeing on where to go for counseling. But we do agree we need help.

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