Compulsive liar - Do I take a chance?
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| Mon, 02-11-2008 - 4:21pm |
I split up with my boyfriend of a year and a half last friday. The reason for this is that I discovered he is a compulsive liar. He told me a lot of things in the two years we where together and all of them have been lies. Although he says he does love me deeply he couldn't stop making things up. He had insomnia and nightmares which he told me were because of his childhood, but really because he was scared of inevitably losing me to the lies. He tried to tell me a few times - I remember he would be in tears trying to tell me something - he would say he was going to mess everything up but wouldn't explain.
The lies were mostly about what he has done with his life in the past - such as owning property, traveling etc. He would also exaggerate stories about his past.
He also was in charge of paying the rent for his flat which he shared with 2 others - one of which was his lifelong best and only real friend (now ex friend). On three occasions the direct debit supposedly failed - the rent did not get paid. So instead of going to the bank and fixing it, he put it off, frittering away the money.
At first he lied to me about the seriousness of the situation, but I spoke to his friend and the truth came out. Thats when he admitted all the other lies. He says that he's been lying for years and years after a difficult and abusive childhood and attempted suicide once when it got too much. He would get caught and move on, meet new people. But this time he says is different. He loves me, and doesn't want to move on. He wants to fix his life and is asking for the chance to prove to me he can change. He says he is going to seek help and will do whatever it takes to put things right. He says he doesn't need me to save him - he just loves me and wants me back.
I love this guy very much. I would like to give him a second chance, but I know its not the sensible option. It would be very difficult and he would have to somehow earn my trust. My mother would greatly disapprove and think Im stupid, but my best friend who also 'knows' him feels it is forgivable and perhaps worth a chance as we were so in love. Before all this happened, we were very happy and in love.
Im rambling i know - but Im just so confused right now and I need an objective view on this.
Thanks you.

Welcome to the board froglet-girl,
If just to remember that if you do take him back, you are always going to be wondering if what he is telling you is the truth. If you think you are okay with that or can handle that, than go for it. Maybe it would help if you went to a few counseling sessions with him to discuss his lying and the impact it has/had on your relationship.
Best of luck in whatever decision you make.
glitter-graphics.com
"but I know its not the sensible option."
Then don't do it. You'd be hurting yourself all over again. Nothing has changed, he's still the same guy. If you ever long for an honest, truthful relationship with someone you can trust, you will be forced to find someone else.
Sometimes breakups are good, this one certainly was. Learn from the mistake of dating a compulsive liar and put it into action by not dating someone who lies to you. You'll be doing yourself a huge favor. So far the only compelling reason to go back to him is because you have feelings for him, and frankly that's not nearly enough.
I would ask him to give you a call when he's been in counseling for *at least* 12 sessions.
So you can only count on him to lie if he's not in love with you? I doubt it