A couple problems w/ my hubby...help plz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2007
A couple problems w/ my hubby...help plz
3
Wed, 02-13-2008 - 10:19pm

Hi,


I like to think of my husband and I of having a good marriage even though we've only been married a year. My life is around his and his career(military)...His family dispise me...they just dont like me...especially his half-sister. He seems to always take up for them no matter what...even if there is proof...like what I mean is messages on my cellphone...voicemails...etc. I dont bother them. I have respect for them and feel like they should have some respect for me. I brought the conversation up about the situation with the cellphone and he immediately took their side.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 12:17pm
There are a lot of red flags in your post. He chose you as his partner and mother of his children, but he puts his family of origin first. His loyalties aren't what they should be. He should be putting you and his son first, not second after what his family wants. You can't make them like you, but it's his job that they show you some respect and treat you well. If they don't see him respecting you, why should they?
Sometimes after a wedding, people fall into patterns because that's how they think being married is. Like I had a friend who got married and started to run home to fix dinner before her husband got home and he asked her why? When they were living together, whoever walked in the door was the one to get dinner going, not just her. She had to stop and think about it...it's because it's what she thought that was what wives do, fix their husbands dinner. Maybe your husband thinks that this is what husbands do, make the decisions for the family. Or maybe he's got some control issues that weren't apparent to you before.
Do you know about 'I statements'? Do you think he woulld be up to doing some actively listening activities with you?
We learned this in couple therapy...for example: I feel neglected when your family invites you, but doesn't invite me. I feel disrespected. Then he has to echo back what you said so that he understands your viewpoint. Then he does his I statements and you actively listen and repeat beak what he's saying. Finally, both of you come up with two or three solutions and try to figure out a plan of action. Right now you feel heard, but you don't see any changes. The conversation isn't done until you've both brainstormed a plan of action.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 4:18pm

Welcome to the board sweet_peacha06,


It's very sad that he's not putting you first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Thu, 02-14-2008 - 4:41pm

It seems like some counseling might be a good idea for you both, if possible. He should be putting you before his family, but I don't think he's just going to realize that things shouldn't be that way.

As far as the decision making goes... when you talk to him about this, is he trying to work on giving you choices again, or what? I'm just curious because maybe he's just tried of you being indecisive and having to give you choices all the time... maybe he just thinks it's easier to make the decision and be done with it. (I'm not saying that's acceptable, by the way, but I can see how he might think it's less work on his part.)
What would happen if you you made some of the decisions yourself instead of telling him that you can't make up your mind? Granted, I don't know what types of decisions you're referring to, but maybe you can just say, "This is what I want to do. Will you join me?" or "Let's do this tomorrow night."

Just an idea.




Edited 2/14/2008 4:42 pm ET by little_bubba