Help Me! Pregnant, married but miserable

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Help Me! Pregnant, married but miserable
7
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 8:22am

Hello all,

Im finally admitting to myself that Im in a very destructive relationship with my husband and that its been getting worse since we married In August. My husband is controlling, verbally abusive and mentally abusive to me and Im getting to the end of the line. Im regularly in hysterical fits of crying after being screamed at for nothing and I am controlled financially, emotionally and physically. I am 13 weeks pregnant, I could have seen a wonderful family life for us as my husband loves me to distraction and do still love him but I believe he is mentally damaged from his past and he is incapable of seeing life from anyone elses point of view but his own. My parents think he is a loonatic now they have gotten to know him better (he has a charming exterior). Even his own mother was upset when we fell pregnant because she didnt think he wanted kids and she was worried about our future. He has a violent, bi-polar brother who abuses his wife and I can see similarities between them now starting to unfold.
I dont want to damage my baby with all this stress and crying and being screamed at and Im terrified that the baby will be used as a tool for my husband to keep me with him and that the baby will be distraught after being exposed to screaming and fighting around it.

I never in a million years thought I'd end up in a relatonship like this and never thought I would give up on a marriage, especially so early on but I see nothing but a dismal future if I stay with him. It makes me so incredibly sad to be saying all this because I still love this man deeply but the love is wearing thin and I have to think about my baby.

Im in India right now staying here with my husband and his best friend while they set up a business and he is away for 2 weeks for work right now. I have chatted to my parents and they are offering me a way out but I dont know whether to stay or go... I have 2 weeks to decide before he comes home and tries to stop me going.

What on earth should I do? I feel like a failure, Im only 25! He is 35 and never going to change!

Thanks

Soph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 1:04pm

Welcome to the board Soph (sgreen25),


Consider the help your family has offered.


Also, check out this other iVillage board for additional support:


Recognizing & Dealing with Domestic Abuse


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 1:13pm

Welcome to the board Soph,


I can't in good conscious advise anyone to stay in an abusive relationship. Especially seeing as you are pregnant. Take the way out that your parents are giving you.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-15-2008 - 7:05pm

Bondage, control and punishment only escalate. It sounds like a dangerous situation for you. Even though you love him, if he is so sick, he will make your life hell as well as your baby. If you parents can help you, let them. You can be in danger if you stay with this man.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 02-16-2008 - 7:28am

"Even his own mother was upset when we fell pregnant because she didnt think he wanted kids and she was worried about our future. "
This is a very scary statement to hear. I don't blame you for being disturbed.

I agree with the other posters. This relationship is dangerous for you, especially when you are vulnerable with a pregnancy. You're still so young and have wonderful times ahead of you if you get out of this marriage now. Go stay with your parents... You will be happy you did.

I do not think you should attempt counseling with him. Make the decision to go, and never look back. Good luck, write us back to let us know how you're doing!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2008
Sat, 02-16-2008 - 12:08pm

Hello!

Thanks for all your comments. Thankfully my partner is only mentally abusive as opposed to physical and I dont think he ever would lay a finger on me and definately not his baby. Its so incredibly difficult to give up on this relationship when he is so excited about being a daddy and he is wonderful most of the time. When he gets angry or I try and reason with him then it gets to the point where I feel at a loss and he wont stop until I agree with him and apologise for EVERYTHING. He even goes on about the fact that I ruined his day and all the hours he wasted arguing with me like Im a complete pain in the arse and to blame for everything. He sees the world from his own perspective and seems incapable of seeing someone elses point of view. Its a tough one, he wrote me an email asking me to list all the things he needs to change for me to be happy... do I make the list and see how he takes it? Or do I just give up now and run away wihtout trying? Im at a loss.

Soph

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2008
Sat, 02-16-2008 - 1:40pm

Spoh,


"Thankfully my partner is only mentally abusive"


You cannot stay in a relationship that includes ANY form of abuse.

Perky007

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 02-18-2008 - 12:22pm

Mental - Emotional and Verbal abuse often esculates to Physical abuse over time.


Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse -- Gregory L. Jantz