Unhappy and newly married...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Unhappy and newly married...
7
Sat, 02-23-2008 - 9:04pm

Ok, so I think I need to vent and I would also appreciate any tips on my problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 3:40pm

Welcome to the board susmacy,


You are married to a guy that ACTS SINGLE and he likes it that way. The more you cling, the more he stays out (probably to punish you or so his friends won't think he's a whimp). Is marriage counseling an option?


Reading material to consider:


The Care and Proper Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2008
Sun, 02-24-2008 - 5:19pm

Hello,


I can relate to what you are going through. My husband and I are 3 months married and not even 5 minutes ago, we fought before he went out because he always claims to need "personal space" and social time to clear his head. Between his friend down the hall and just going out alone, he spends at least 2 hours out without my son and I every day (yesterday was 5!) We have other struggles that wear on me emotionally, and recently I told him that I myself enjoy getting out the house as well but could use some encouragement to get up and moving and our son (1yr) ready too. His outings are always impromtu and don't always end when he says he'll be home.


Anyways, I just feel like he'd rather spend daytime out without the two of us. He doen't seem to get it that as frustrated as I get myself, I don't just walk out everyday claiming to need personal time because my first responsibility is here to the two of them - and I WANT to spend my time with them, always. He can get really nasty and trivializes the amount of time he spends hanging out. Right now we are both out of work, but when I've been the working parent I often stayed behind so he could get out and do what he wanted. I was SO tired!


I guess my point is that both my and your man are being extremely selfish and acting like they don't have family to account to. Whether it's 1 hour a week or 100, they should be sensitive to our requests to stay home if we need them and listen if we say that we don't spend enough quality time together. When you get married, your time is no longer your own, but shared. I am about to get us into counseling to help sort things out - but you're NOT wrong for how you feel. Thanks for posting, because it helped me reflect on my own situation as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 11:11am

'we both agreed to work on it.'


How did you agree you would work on it though. What exactly would you do, proactively to work on the fighting.


Your husband sounds like a young guy who doesn't want to be married. Was he like this when you married him?


He has to see that there is a problem and want to act like a married man. Will he go to counseling with you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Mon, 02-25-2008 - 9:15pm

Thank you for your replies.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 02-26-2008 - 8:15am

"My husband says that he will go to marriage counselling if it ever comes to that but we arn't to that point where he thinks we need one."


How will he know when you are to that point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2005
Tue, 02-26-2008 - 11:42am

I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Although I understand your point of view, I think there is another side to this story.

Personally, the three excuses you gave him to come home (the dream, etc) seem like you're grasping at straws. If my SO told me they wanted me home, fine. If they told me those reasons I'd be pushed away and would probably stay out. Reason being, they make you sound needy.

My feeling is that you are starting to cling to him more and are portraying more 'neediness' than you did in the past. This can be a turn off (especially for men) and could be a reason for him wanting to go out more.

I'm not trying to justify his behaviour. You did mention that you lived together for 2yrs and this is new behaviour. From what you've written, it sounds like you have a different perspective on marriage than he has. Is it possible that *your* behaviour has changed and is leading to the change in his?

I'm not trying to upset you. Just trying to look at this from another angle. Lets say he wants to be out at night with his friends and you say *nothing*. How will he react?

I was in your situation years ago. I would stay up until 4am or whatever time it was until my SO came home. I'd ask him to call if he was staying at a friends and sometimes he'd forget. This made me anxious so I'd ask more questions and it would irritate him. I felt more like a mother than anything. I decided just to trust him. I knew who he was with, and knew he'd come home. It was hard for me, but the more I loosened up the more he relaxed and this allowed for better communication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Sun, 03-02-2008 - 9:50pm

I had to sit and think about the last reply to my questions for several hours.