Cold Feet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
Cold Feet?
14
Fri, 02-29-2008 - 8:07am

I'm getting married in 7 months and I keep having these thoughtsof panic and worry that we're not going to last. That somehow things will end badly between us. Like what if he looses interest in me? What if he finds someone better? What if I annoy him so much he'll want to end things?


Then I get paincked b/c I feel like I'm losing my independence- like the goals I set for myself I will never get to accomplish... Is this normal? Is it cold feet? Or something more?


Help :/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: sheesha8309
Fri, 02-29-2008 - 12:07pm

Welcome to the board sheesha8309,


Sounds like normal cold feet to me.


Also just because your getting married doesn't mean you can't accomplish your goals.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
In reply to: sheesha8309
Fri, 02-29-2008 - 12:15pm

Cold feet is one thing, panic that you're going to lose him and other obsessive, catastrophic thoughts are something else. Sounds as though your feelings are all over the place. I strongly suggest that you go and see a well trained, professional therapist to work through these feelings and fears. You need to understand what is causing them, and work them through or else they will ruin what probably is a wonderful relationship and beautiful future.


Go get the help you need. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We all need help at times in dealing with strong emotions and fears.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2006
In reply to: sheesha8309
Fri, 02-29-2008 - 1:09pm

I've been to a therapist before (in helping me work through my ED a 1 1/2 yrs ago....I found her to be very unhelpful....


I typically do have these thoughts of dread or worry. Is it depression? Or just really bad self esteem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
In reply to: sheesha8309
Fri, 02-29-2008 - 1:52pm

There are many therapists around, some not so good, others excellent. of course I cannot diagnose you as I do not know you and can't make a diagnosis just like that. However, if this relationship is important to you and you don't want to allow these mood swings and negative feelings to get in the way, it's well worth finding another therapist who can be of help, in person.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2007
In reply to: sheesha8309
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 12:22pm

It sounds like cold feet, because you don't mention any specific reasons why you have these feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2007
In reply to: sheesha8309
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 12:43pm
I've been married twice - The first time I dated the guys for a long time, 7 yrs. he was my first boyfriend and I loved him sooo much. and even then I knew the day he proposed I should say no. I spent the next 15 months planning a wedding I didn't want to happen. I knew that something terrible would happen and I would be the one hurt and 3 1/2 months after the wedding I found out he was ALREADY having an affair, and had been since before we got married-FEMALE INTUITION. I should have known better. Now, I'm married to a great guy. I never once felt like we were doomed. cold feet is one thing, but real fear is another. you should talk to him about this, not a therapist, he is the only one that can reassure you that of his feelings and what he wants and expects from this marriage. you have to be able to communicate - What's the worst that could happen? he'll show you a side of him you didn't know existed? better to know now!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2005
In reply to: sheesha8309
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 3:50pm

I have a child from a previous relationship, and I knew that it was doomed from the start (the relationship..lol, not the child).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
In reply to: sheesha8309
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 4:35pm

My thought is that if you nervous about the wedding itself, that is understandable, but if you are concerned with losing your independence, who you are, etc...I think you need to sit down with your fiance and discuss these things so that you get a feel for what he thinks and what your expectations would be from getting married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
In reply to: sheesha8309
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 7:33pm

I understand where you are coming from. Before I got married I spent a lot of time wondering if I was doing the right thing, was this a huge mistake, etc. I went so far as to start stupid fights to see how he handled certain things. It was not so much a problem with him as it was a problem with me. I've always been a bit of a commitment-phobe and I hate change. In the end, I knew that I loved him, and at the end of the day I wanted him beside me. I married him, and we are still happily married almost 5 years later. The best part was after we were married I could stop worrying and just enjoy being married, because whatever happened it was already done.

I think you need to determine if there are issues with him that are causing your doubts, or if it is a fear of change, etc. Sometimes these feelings are a sign of trouble in your relationship, but in my case, it was mostly cold feet and my own fears. I have always been a first-class worrier :). Good luck in whatever direction you take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2008
In reply to: sheesha8309
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 3:23am

Oh my GOD. Why is it that nowadays the most natural human emotions are required to need "therapeutic help?" What is wrong with our society?? Anyway. That is beside the point, but since when were pre-wedding jitters something unnatural and abnormal?

It is actually very normal to feel that way. Marriage is a serious thing, and even though there is always the option of divorce, marriage is a promise of spending one's entire life with another person. A lifetime is no joke, and so it is natural to become anxious over one's choice, wondering if one wasn't blinded by the glare of one's dreams. As much as I adore my fiance I sometimes entertain such fears. I am afraid of divorce and failure... but love is a risk. And what mortal under the stars has not risked it all for love? Love is a risk worth taking... for better or for worse. The worst thing that can happen is divorce... and the best thing? The marriage of your dreams.

The bottom line is, since this is such an important, somewhat irrevocable choice for both of you. It's your big day, and such big days have frazzled many a nerve since the beginning of civilized society! All you can do is wish for, hope for, and work for the best! And remember, it takes two!

Good luck, darling!

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