For them should we try again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
For them should we try again
6
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 7:35am
Me and my X have been divorced for a yr now, we have stayed close friends, we got a divorce due to him haveing a affair, well he had the affair due to me not wanting to sleep with him over the course of years...
I'm seeing someone and he is seeing someone( he says he is only seeing her cause I'm making him) I don't want to get back with him, and he was getting lonely.. so now our oldest son is acting out.. so there is that issue, X is still very much in love with me -- another issue, we are good together except I don't wanna be intement with him.. due to affair.
I really like new guy, but new guy has lots of issues also. like just got divorced also, has his kids full time (which isn't a problem they are wonderful kids just not my kids whom I don't have all the time) and his X is in the picture also..
I guess what I'm asking is should I not being seeing someone else and for the family sake, try with open arms to fix my family?
Lost in a world full of maps
Lost in a world full of maps
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 10:31am

If you want to remarry, you should do it because you love one another and want to be together.

The kids will adapt. Reconciling to appease them will ultimately make you miserable and demonstrate to them that if they put up enough of a fight they will get their way. Reconciling with your ex will not "fix" your family - it isn't broken just because you aren't married.

I don't think it's a good idea to introduce your new guy to your kids. It's really confusing and frustrating to them to have a "daddy replacement" so soon after the divorce. You should separate your dating life from your mom-life until you are very confident that this man will be in your lives long-term.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 11:13am

Hey there onlyme.


Your question contained too many negatives, so I'm not exactly sure how to answer the question you asked.


"Should you re-marry your X ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2003
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 11:54am
That's amazing that you can be close friends with XH. I was angry with mine for years and years (and faked friendship for the kids). I wouldn't go back to XH just because that's what he wanted. Besides, has your XH been working on the issues that lead to the affair? Why would you ever trust him again if he hasn't? You have to want to be in it for yourself. I was the glue to my parents' dysfunctional marriage. My mother told me again and again that she put up with my father for me. I did not appreciate her blaming me for 'having to be' in an unhealthy marriage.
That said, your new man sounds very new to dating with kids and he needs some instruction. It is so unhealthy to introduce every prospective lover and girlfriend to the kids because they develop abandonment issues. He shouldn't be dragging his kids on dates now inviting romantic liasons into the home to hang out. First the adults should establish themselves and know where things are leading. You say that he's got issues. We all have baggage, but you need to steer clear of the ones packing a U-Haul.
You said that XH cheated because you weren't sleeping with him. I think this is worth examining before you embark on more relationships. Why weren't you sleeping with him? Why did you hold back? Were you angry with him? Do you have intimacy issues?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 1:41pm

Welcome to the board onlyme2007,


You have your answer in your words when you typed this: "I don't want to get back with him" - so don't lead him on, don't entertain the idea of getting back together.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 3:07pm

Welcome to the board onlyme2007,


You said you don't want to get back with your ex. Therefore, no matter what the reasoning for getting back together (doing it for the kids) it isn't going to work since you don't want it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Tue, 03-04-2008 - 10:26pm
You have to look at all the factors that make your life up and make sure you look at why your feeling what your feeling. You might want to figure out why you can still be close friends with your ex and good together? But just because you couldn't be intimate now, is there still love there? Is that something you could get back at a later time?
Work on you sons problems and don't rush life.
As for the new guy you don't have to make major decisions right now. But might be
a good idea not to get kids involved too close right away until you know how things will appear to work out.