Baffled by Age and Actions of Partner

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Baffled by Age and Actions of Partner
7
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 11:19am

Hi group. Hope all is well with everyone.

Quick Question:

I am 32 years old and am dating a woman who is 46. We met thru myspace - I know, that site is terrible and I was only on it for 1 month before I realized what it represented.

At any rate, I met this woman who seemed established, had 4 kids and was divorced. Things went well and we seemed to click for the first couple of months. I went on a business trip and came home to find her receiving text messages saying "dinner and a cuddle." She hid the phone and tried to cover things but finally she admitted that she was only chatting with someone while I was out of town. Her reason: according to her standards, our relationship was not a relationship yet after 2 months. I felt it was as we were interacting with our children, doing dinners and spending nights together. Regardless, she swore up and down that she didnt meet this guy. But, one week later, I felt something still didnt sound right so I persisted in questioning her on this. Finally, she admitted that she met this guy at a hotel bar for an hour while I was away. He apparently was some traveling vendor for her company, and she didn't see the harm in going to a hotel bar with someone she barely knew while in a relationship.

My family and friends (hers too) were astonished at how this woman could justify her lies and behavior. I felt somewhat betrayed, but I am a guy and not supposed to whine too much, right? LOL. Life went forward and I tried to believe in what she said and just forget the issue. However, several weeks down the road, I was asked to fix her computer. When I began cleaning all the cookies and trash, old photos etc., I stumbled upon pictures of her dressed like some 20 year tramp (do not know any other way to explain the apparel)on bar stools dancing in clubs, in bikinis with all different men hugged up on her, her with her tongue in some guys mouth (she said it was a dare), and other men with her hands all over them. I asked her who all these different people were and if they were all exes or what. She didnt even know their names but simply justified these events and trips as normal, mature adult like behavior. I asked how she could put her tongue in someone's mouth she didnt even know, but that was, according to her a dare. I asked how she had any respect for herself as a 46 year old mother in allowing these 20 year old party boys to manhandle her like the pictures showed. I asked her why she would be on a bar top dancing like some 20 year dingbat (again, the word dingbat is being used for definition purposes). She felt as though this was normal behavior.

Several weeks later, she was asking me about my past relationship which were all BONA FIDE relationships. Come to find out, when she was on one of these outings, she performed oral sex on some police officer she knew only for a couple hours. Again, she justified this by stating that he saved her from being passed out on some beach while she was intoxicated.

It went on and on with her.

My best friends in the world are my parents. My mother passed away this past November so I just talk with my father for advice. He has never before seen a woman so out of control as my girlfriend. I agree that the past is the past, but this type of behavior generally occurs in a person's youth, not at 46. It seems to me since her divorce 4 years back, she has gone on one of the wild-woman sprees (not that guys do not do this). I am scared and spooked, and utterly shocked that a mother in her 40's could behave like this. The partying, bars and alcohol blow my mind. In my twenties, I never did stuff like this. Her history is frightening to me, and to be honest, it is not like it happened 20 years ago...we are talking up and until she met me this was going on.

My question is this. Since we have began dating, and after the "didn't happen, but did happen" salesman thing, I have become untrusting in her. I have watched her with her ex-husband having these secret calls because he needs help with his license plates or needs her to run errands for him. I still do not understand why she is so worried about pleasing him; she is divorced after 20 years of abusive marriage, kids being beat, her being beat etc. Although, she did tell me in the end of her marriage, her husband caught her having a telephone "only affair." She told me that she learned her lesson about going behind people's back like she did to her husband, yet a month after telling me this, she did it to me. the pictures and stories of her, and the justification she gives make me sick. Her own children have told me that their mother is a bar flea and that the coaches of their sports teams know my girlfriend was a chronic party girl. Again, she justifies it by stating it is what adults do and it is innocent fun.

I am so tossed by all of this. Do I like to go out and have fun? Sure, at respectable places. I have a reputation to uphold and my image is important to me. Dancing on bar tops, in shower stalls with a cop, partying in other countries, etc., is not my cup of tea. Since all of this stuff came out, I have issued my proscriptions on what we do for fun. I have eliminated anything to do with bars or alcohol for fear of her getting back into things. I cannot go anywhere without people looking at her and I - it's like everyone in town knows this girl. I just do not believe this socialite mentality is necessary at our ages. Call it control, but removing the bars from her life was a recommendation from a shrink buddy of mine. I have certain parameters in relationships based on age and feelings, and those parameters are non-negotiable. I never told her she can't go to bars, but I did tell her that if this was her lifestyle, I would walk. I have told her it is time to grow up, stop running with these 20 year old hooches she partied with, and to take care of the kids and forget about the damn bars and clubbing.

What's funny is that the city she lives in is one of the yuppie burbs where the kids run the parents and the parents act like kids. the drama, gossip, social status of people, cheating, drugs, etc., is a total mind blower for the alleged "promised people" of this suburb. Everything is purportedly "for the kids." But, yesterday she tells me there is some fund raiser for the youth baseball teams. I was ok with it until she told me it was being held at the local sleeve bar. I worked for my sports dues and our parents helped us with fund raisers, but they were held at functions and groceries stores, etc., not bars. My father and friends asked me why everything in her city revolves around bars and drinking, partying, even when it is supposedly "all for the kids." Nobody seems to understand her or her cities unique mentality. Again, she justifies this fund raiser by suggesting that a bar is cheaper than other places to hold the event at. Whatever.

Her ex husband has taken her kids from her now (he is residential parent. He claims every reason under the sun for doing so, but my shrink buddy, her friends, her family and my friends and family know what this is all about. When I came into her life, he could not control her any more. He and his children are so angry at their mother for "abandoning" them that since the divorce, they were still trying to control her. In walks me with my family (and her family supporting me as well) and the ex feels as though I stand in his way of controlling her and making her suffer for leaving them. It has been four years already since her divorce, does the marriage ever end?

I trust in my shrink friend to give me good, unbiased advice. I asked him if I was being insecure, jealous, controlling or abusive (just to rule out the typical claims). He advised me that based on what she has done in the past 4 years, what she did in her marriage, what she did to me, her constant justification of improper things and with the ex husband and his crap, that any sane man would simply walk away. I feel bad for her. I think she feels she is aging, is starving for attention and affection in all the wrong places, is attempting to feel youthful as her conduct suggests, and now her children are gone. Does she have a good job, yes. Is she professional at work, sure. But what about her lifestyle and why should I have to be putting all these restrictions on things. I feel like I am controlling her, and that she should be done with all of that on her own accord, not by my command.

Any suggestions.....I am trying my hardest to make sense of all of this!

Thanks group, and thank you for spending the time to read my insert. God bless to all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 12:25pm

Welcome to the board best_of_intentions,


I am not really sure what your question is. It is obvious that you are not okay with her lifestyle, or what it was before you met her. I don't think you should stay with her because you feel sorry for her. Can you really see yourself in a long term relationship with her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 12:44pm

Hello cl-ctara19811:

Thanks for your reply. I have that tendency in writing to lose the point or forget the question. Sorry about that.

My question was is it normal for me to have to reinstall guidelines and parameters in someone who should already be well-versed. For 46 years of age, where is this party-girl, socialite mentality coming from? In my references, did you see anything indicative of an emotional or psychological problem, on either of our ends? I am being truthful with you in what I described. I guess I would expect this stuff from someone who is 20 years old, but not in their forties and after having been married with 4 kids for 20 years. What triggered all of this within her, and is it here to stay or a phase? That is the ultimate arbiter of if I stay in this relationship, or walk. I just do not walk to have to continue this reinforcement of what I feel it right, especially when everyone is telling me that my guidelines are not control, they are normal and healthy. Is this a post-divorce issue? Is this female related? Menopausal symptoms? I just cannot reach into her psyche and figure out her direction. She says one thing and then says the exact opposite. My parents picked up on this and asked me why she is all over the place. Where is this going is my question. Thank you for your reply.

RG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 12:55pm

Welcome to the board best_of_intentions,


Well, age and being a parent has nothing to do with her behavior.


::Her own children have told me that their mother is a bar flea and that the coaches of their sports teams know my girlfriend was a chronic party girl. Again, she justifies it by stating it is what adults do and it is innocent fun.


No that's not what stable, emotionally healthy adults do for fun.


::Call it control, but removing the bars from her life was a recommendation from a shrink buddy of mine. I have certain parameters in relationships based on age and feelings, and those parameters are non-negotiable. I never told her she can't go to bars, but I did tell her that if this was her lifestyle, I would walk.


Why haven't you walked already?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 1:48pm
In my opinion, I think she is trying to relive a youth that she feels that she never got to have. However, she is justifies her behavior to herself and to others so that she doesn't feel bad about it. Always to attention from all the young guys makes her feel good. It is probably addicting.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2007
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 2:45pm

In answer to your question, as a 45 year old divorced mother, 'NO' that is not 'normal' - and even if it were, if you are not comfortable with it, which you obviously aren't, you have no business being in any sort of relationship with this woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 4:00pm

I agree that your partner is not behaving in a healthy manner.


However, your actions in trying to control her behaviour are equally unhealthy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2004
Wed, 03-05-2008 - 4:28pm
I agree with you...when you have to compel someone to behave a certain way - which normally they should be doing anyway - it feels crumby. Please do not think I approve. It was a last ditch effort to curb this bizarre stuff. I know I should not have to control anyone. This is why I came to this group. Thanks.