Husband wants baby, I don't

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Husband wants baby, I don't
15
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 7:16pm

Here's my dilemma:


I've been married two and a half years. When we decided to get married, my husband and I had the obligatory

-M

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 7:45pm

I think it is perfectly reasonable to let him know that until he gets his anger under control that you do not want to raise a child in a hostile environment and with a father who will yell and scream at the child.


Although you have plenty of years to have kids ( I just found out today that a friend of mine who is 44, is pregnant) don't use that as the reason if it really isn't true. If you really don't want kids ever, let him know and give him the chance to make a decision about which is more important; his marriage with you or a family.


If he will go to therapy with you, you might want to give it a year and see if things improve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 7:47pm

I don't want to sound negative or mean but if he needs you to start carrying his baby now, and you aren't even sold on having children at all yet, this marriage is not going anywhere.

You should not have to try to convince yourself to want children in order to save your marriage and get one man to stay with you. You either want children or you don't, and at this moment you just don't. That's okay. Not everyone is a potential parent, and that's a good thing.

I think you would stop being afraid to tell a person how you feel if you were married to someone without anger issues who was willing to compromise and listen to your point of view rather than trying to force you to do something you don't truly want.

I'm sorry. I don't think your marriage can last through this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 03-06-2008 - 11:51pm

Welcome to the board mb917,


It's wise not to bring kids into a marriage with *anger* issues, but even if he cleared them up tomorrow, you don't want kids now and you may never decide you want kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 7:19am

It seems like you two have quite a dynamic going. He's got anger problems and you try your best to appease him. It's not a healthy way to live at all, and it's a horrible reason to have a baby that you don't really want. You did agree to do so, but it sounds kind of like you had to agree to keep him from being upset. Regardless, it's never a good idea for a person who doesn't want children to do it anyway. It's not true that 95% of women want children, it's quite a bit lower than that, maybe closer to 75%, which means there's much higher odds that you aren't going to change your mind.

If your marriage is going to have any chance of lasting, then he needs to address his anger problem and you need to both come to an agreement you can live with regarding children. He's already shown that it's not important to him to change, that you should simply accept it and deal with it and you already know that it's hard to do. If he doesn't change, then chances are that you'll end up getting divorced sooner or later. Even if he can behave for a short time to trick you into trying to conceive, he's not going to change for the long term.

Perhaps he should be examining exactly why he does want children. It doesn't sound like he has any real reasons. And then what are his expectations if it happened? Does he intend on leaving you to be the primary caretaker? Would you be ok with that considering you don't really want children at all? What happens when the inevitable divorce happens, who takes custody? As hard as it would be having children with someone with an anger problem, it's also quite hard trying to do it alone.

Getting pregnant isn't going to magically make you be happy that you have kids you didn't want. Some women adjust to the idea, but others don't. My own mother didn't want kids and it was painfully obvious my whole life that she really shouldn't have gone ahead and done it anyway.

You desperately need marriage counseling. If you can't talk to him because he gets mad, then you need a third party who can handle things and make sure you get time to say what you need to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 8:21am

"Perhaps he should be examining exactly why he does want children."

This doesn't matter. People don't need reasons for wanting children, everyone has the right to reproduce (or not) if they choose. Most people who have had children couldn't tell you logically exactly why. They just did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 9:33am

Hi there mb,


When I read your post, I'm left with a feeling that you are wondering/deciding whether the marriage will work.


You need to make sure you have a stable and lasting marriage.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 10:20am

First of all, there are many issues here beyond having a child or not. Your lack of desire for a child seems to be a through line. You say it is due to his anger, and also you said it was due to financial or career reasons. Perhaps it is deeper than that. I did not hear you say that you wanted a child just because you wanted to be a mother. You need to really sort this all out. Is it his behavior and unhappiness in the marriage that is preventing you from wanting this? If so, why are you staying in the marriage? And why aren't the two of you seeing a therapist to work through these anger issues? There is also dishonesty going on here. You are pretending you want a child, but really are not at all certain. You need help first of all to find out what's really going on with you vis a vis being a parent. And, you also need help to work through your relationship with your husband, and to establish open, honest, clear communication. Get yourself a good therapist and also a good couples counsellor. This will not get resolved by itself as there are too many issues intertwined here. And the more you pretend, or try to put it off the more tension will develop and also the more anger. It's time to work this all through clearly and honestly.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 12:57pm

Just tell him, get the divorce and move on.


He wants kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2005
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 1:02pm

Hi everyone,


Thanks so much for your thoughful responses.


I should clarify a few things:


I have made it very clear to him over the past six-eight months that I am absolutley not ready to have a baby, and that I don't know if or when I will be. As far as I'm concerned, that's a non-issue for the moment. I wil not budge on that issue until we can make some improvements in our marriage. I am completely embarrased that I agreed to try to get pregnant last year. I won't make the mistake of risking my hapiness, or a child's again.


You are also right that I am questioning whether our marriage will work at all. He has repeatedly, unapologetically told me he has no intention of changing. I need to gather the courage to tell him that am

-M

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2007
Fri, 03-07-2008 - 4:58pm

Mb - your follow on just reinforces my advice.

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