BF needing 'alone time'

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
BF needing 'alone time'
4
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 11:48am

I think I've posted about this before. My BF and I have been together about 7 months. He separated from his wife and is facing divorce this summer. He met his soon to be ex when he was 17 and had been with her for 13 years. I was his friend through all the separation issues and we ended up being a couple immediately. We fell madly in love and everything was fine until January. He started a new job, had to switch his schedule in seeing his 2 year old, and had a cousin come down with cancer. So a lot was going on.

He has given me the 'I need time alone since I haven't been alone since I was 17' speech a few times already. We always work through it and for about 4 weeks everything was great. He said he was feeling as though things were getting back to normal. He started going out with friends more and spending more days at home. I still saw him, but I was giving him extra days to just veg out. Well at first he would give me a 5 minute warning before changing plans and that got to me, so he starting giving me a better warning.

This past week he said he doesn't think it's gonna work out cause his heart isn't in it and he just needs to be alone for a while. I reminded him that things were fine for a while there and we were doing great. He didn't dispute that. He had cancelled not coming over Thursday like he usually does so he could veg out. I was completely okay with that. He didn't think I was.

Now for a little history into how much contact we were typically in. He would text me when he woke up each morning, then call me on his way to work. Then he would IM me throughout the day and call me on his way to pick up his daughter from day care. Then call or text when he was leaving his ex's house. Then call 3 or 4 times throughout the night. Let me make it clear that I hardly ever initiated these calls or texts. It's almost as though he felt he needed to check in with me all the time. Not sure.

Well Friday he called me after work and I didn't answer cause I was very confused about what he said. So I went and stayed with my best friend out of town and then called him Sunday morning. He asked if I was okay with what he said Friday. I said I had my opinions. So we talked. I asked if we could still be a couple and he just takes a few weeks to himself. He wanted to just be alone and see what happens down the road. I wanted to just give him space. I told him to not call me when he is gaming, cause then he is truly not spending time alone. He also lives with family. Which probably doesn't help. He works, picks up his daughter, runs every other night, then either plays a game or is over at my house. He is spent. Last time we went through this I gave him some time and he started missing me after a while. When I called him Sunday he said he hadn't really been thinking about all of this and that he didn't feel any different. But he then admitted that he kept his daughter all weekend, so he had been occupied. (He usually only has her Friday's). So we talked and he said I know his position and he knows mine. We haven't talked since Sunday (yesterday morning). Not sure if this is part of the 'alone' time or what. I am used to talking to him or getting texts from him so this is very out of the ordinary.

If I give him this space will he maybe come around? He ends up missing my girls and myself after a while. Just last Sunday he came over cause he was missing us since we hadn't seen him since that Thursday before. Can he just shut off his feelings, or is he truly trying to take some time to himself? He has admitted before that he gets lonely and needs to be with someone. He seems to feel guilty if he takes time from me to spend alone. I honestly don't have an issue with that at all.

What confuses me the most, is just a few weeks ago he wanted to take a trip to Mexico this summer with me. Even as late as this past Thursday he said I should bring the girls over the Thursday before Good Friday so we could all have dinner together. Then the next day all this happens??? This past Saturday I didn't have kids so it would have been a normal night we would hang out. We didn't. We didn't even talk. I went to my friend's for the entire weekend to escape. Does he not miss me at all?

Let me add that he and I were very very close in the beginning. After his separation stuff settled down, we didn't need to rely on each other as much since that stress was gone. How do we go from jumping in to fast, to a regular relationship?




Edited 3/10/2008 11:52 am ET by texasgirl08
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 12:06pm

Please don't hold out hope that he will be able to handle a committed relationship so soon after a separation. He is not even legally divorced yet. He is on the rebound even if he loves you and you can not put yourself through this anymore. Besides. his daughter's happiness should come first and he needs to be stable to provide what she needs.


I have been in your place. I dated a guy who was going through a divorce and even though we got along great, in the end he wasn't ready to commit. After 10 months we broke up.




Edited 3/10/2008 5:04 pm ET by ciao__gina
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 12:22pm

It sounds like you were a rebound relationship for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 12:23pm

Hi texasgirl08,


::He has given me the 'I need time alone since I haven't been alone since I was 17' speech a few times already. We always work through it and for about 4 weeks everything was great.


::This past week he said he doesn't think it's gonna work out cause his heart isn't in it and he just needs to be alone for a while.


I'm not sure why you are working through this instead of believing him and honoring what he says. I'm sure on some level he feels 'talked out' of how he feels and doesn't feel heard.


When he asks for space (aka, "a break") - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1


Reading material to consider:


How to Survive Your Boyfriend's Divorce: Loving Your Separated Man without Losing Your Mind by Robyn Todd





Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 12:39pm

You can't count on him coming back if you give him space.