husband's best friend's girlfriend

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2008
husband's best friend's girlfriend
4
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 7:16pm

Over the years, I've gotten to know my husband's best friend and really came to think of him as a good friend of mine. Even though my husband and I never really liked his choice in girlfriends, we've always been supportive and always treated his girlfriends with the same level of respect and courtesy that we gave our friend. He started dating B about two years ago, broke up for a while, and is now back with her. From day one, she has been rude, condescending, and spiteful towards me. She seems to try to align herself with my husband (liberal arts majors who fancied themselves writers) and say petty things about what I do (I'm in marketing and good at it - funny thing is, I was an english major too!). It was so bad that when my husband and I got married, I was glad she didn't come!

It came to a head a couple of weeks ago when she thought I disinvited her to a cocktail party we were throwing (when, in actuality, I just told our friend that she didn't have to come if she didn't want to since she was acting exasperated whenever we discussed plans). Everything came out into the open, and now she won't let me come over, or talk to him, etc. (Husband's still allowed, but he doesn't go because he feels awkward about it). I should also mention that right before this happened, she was talking pretty loudly and obnoxiously about how she "banned so-and-so" from their house and his life because he was "condescending and mean" to her.

I've tried to extend the olive branch and asked if we can meet up and discuss, but she keeps postponing it. He won't talk to me, and I feel horrible for this rift in my husband's and his friendship! We don't think she's a good person, and we seriously think she has "plans" for him - from trying to convince him to draft a living will for "her protection" since she doesn't have the same rights as if they were married, to repeatedly mentioning when he's not around that they're going to start looking for a bigger place to buy, to even talking about this ex-boyfriend and that ex-boyfriend, she's manipulative and only looks out for herself in a relationship.

I feel like his is a friendship worth saving, for both my husband and me, but I cannot stand B and I don't want to keep on pretending like I'm friends with her, and I definitely do NOT want to tell her it was all a misunderstanding/I'm so sorry/etc. so that we can go back to this horrible double-date scenario. Help! What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 12:18am
Dating does affect the dynamics of any group.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 1:00am

Welcome to the board standard09,


It is really hard to watch someone you care about get involved with someone that is toxic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 3:02pm

Welcome to the board standard09,


Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think there is anything you can do to fix it until he is willing to stand up to her and tell her that he can be friends with who ever he wants to be. My bet is she knows you didn't disinvite her and she is just using this an excuse to be mad at you and try to keep him want from you. Maybe if you give it a couple weeks you can try to talk to him about the situation.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 3:47pm

Ultimately this relationship is between your husband and his friend. I think the two of them should sit down alone together and discuss what's going on. There's no reason at all for you to have to socialize with such a spiteful, destructive person. And, of course, there's no reason at all why your husband should go over alone and be with them. The best that could come out of this mess is that hopefully your husband and his friend can salvage some of their relationship and see each other on a one on one basis. This may or may not be possible, depending on the friend. It wouldn't hurt for your husband to let his friend know what he thinks of this girlfriend, in terms of her intentions for him.


Sometimes a relationship between two friends can survive, even if their partners cannot be part of it. It's really up to the two friends. You can step out of it, and certainly, as I said, there's no reason at all for you to maintain a relationship with someone who is demeaning and destructive towards you.


Best wishes,