I'm insecure about my boyfriend's past

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2008
I'm insecure about my boyfriend's past
6
Sun, 06-08-2008 - 9:28pm
I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and he even talks about wanting to get married to me. Basically, I am so lucky to have such a perfect guy. There is one problem however: I was a virgin when I met my boyfriend and I was saving it not necessarily for marriage, but for someone I truly believed was special. On the other hand my boyfriend had 7 serious and sexual relationships before me. To me that is an extremely high number, especially since my serious relationship count is only 1 before him, and without sex. Is it weird to have feelings like I'm only "number 8"? He tells me I'm his only true love and he's never felt this way before with other women before me, and I believe him, but sometimes I wonder if he said these things to other women. And I can't help the thoughts that pop into my head of him loving/having sex with other women. I've tried to confront him but he takes it very personal and says I'm saying he's not good enough for me. I'm not even sure why his previous relationships affect me so much.. maybe it is because I was a virgin and I sort of expected him to have the same values? Should I even be bringing my doubts and insecurities to his attention? Is this even something I should be worrying about at all?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 12:19am

I'm sure there is some ego involved..your decks dont stack up evenly...and I can understand that.


When I met my first exhusband I didnt intend to marry him but I felt he was the person with whom I wanted to experience intercourse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 12:46am

Welcome to the board ljpinko,


What he's been through and experienced and even the number of partners he's had, has all prepared him to be with you. If you feel it's too many and you feel that you two don't share the same values, morals and expectations in relationships, then you might want to re-think the relationship and whether or not the two of you are compatible for the long term.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 7:35am

Seven is an "extremely high" number only if you are both very young. Consider that the amount of people your boyfriend has dated before has absolutely no effect on his feelings for you. Except for the fact that the more a person dates, the more they realize what kind of person they want to end up with.

It's not right for you to "confront" him because he has done nothing wrong to you and should not be punished for it. Understand that you kind of ARE saying he's not good enough for you. I understand the way you feel, but the person whose problem it is can not be the one who cannot change. He doesn't have a time machine, so it has to be you.

If being a virgin is something crucial to you then you need to find a man who has been hiding in the dark sexually for his whole life, but realize that you will be severely limiting your prospects. This man is who he is because of his experiences, and while you may not like it, his experience in life has helped him find you.

I strongly suggest reading that book Are You The One For Me? that was given to you earlier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2007
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 11:13am
I agree with eggbert that you would be severely limiting your prospects...7 people really isn't that many...and the relationships probably weren't all 'intense'- he may have just said that to seem more moral- - b/c while thats not alot of sexual partners...it is quite a few serious r/l's.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 1:40pm

Welcome to the board ljpinko,


I don't think this is something you should worry about. It is in his past and he can't it now. Plus it doesn't change who he is, and you knew about his past experiences before you slept with him. If it bothered you that much you never should have slept with him in the first place. If he wasn't really interested in you, he wouldn't be with you a year later. Try to relax and enjoy what the two of you have together.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 3:50pm

Let go of these worries and doubts. Don't let them mess up what sounds like a good and meaningful relationship. It's normal and natural for people to have sexual relationships, and 7 is not such a huge number. There are plenty of people who have had many more than that. The fact that you chose to remain a virgin was your choice, you cannot expect your boyfriend to feel that way too. If you do, then you should only date a virgin with those values. I also would not discuss with my boyfriend as he will become upset, as you say he is, feel you are questioning him and somehow casting judgment upon him. If he tells you that he wants to marry you and hasn't felt that way about anyone else, why do you not believe him? Is it your own insecurity? If so, work that out with a counselor on your own. Don't let it interfere with what could bring you real happiness.


Best wishes,