Made a terrible mistake! Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Made a terrible mistake! Please Help!
5
Mon, 06-09-2008 - 11:45pm
I am so ashamed. Sad. Embarrassed. All the above. I am in love with my best friend. We are married. Me 46. Him 50. He's had alcohol issues and 2 recent arrests. He's in jail. I was despondent after the last one which occurred a week ago. I cheated. This completely saddens me. My heart is breaking. He is truly the love of my life. The scenario was this: Younger (much) man comes to my rescue, helps me clean messes DH left for me. Young man says lets have a beer and relax. I thought "Okay what can this hurt?" I have too much. I say yes to advances when I want to say "NO" while its going on, I am crying and feel numb. I really mean it. It was awful. I ask him to leave. I told a few friends. 2. They say your DH broke your trust long ago. They tell me not to worry. I do every day. I love my DH. I couldn't bear to lose him. Do I tell him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 6:53am

'Do I tell him?'


No, absolutely not. What would it achieve? It will not bring you any relief or absolution. It will devastate your h and cause turmoil for everyone. It's all well and good to 'be honest' but life's not a book and it's not all black or white. I am a very VERY firm believer in 'what he doesn't know can't hurt him'. I'll probably be flamed but whatever, this is MHO. It would be a completely different story if it was a long term affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 7:06am

Not unless there's a possibility one of your friends will tell him.

You both screwed up, extremely badly. Make an effort to reconnect with one another when he gets out of jail. You can't go backwards so you have to go forwards.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 2:38pm

Welcome to the board chpete,


If you think he will find out eventually from someone else you told, well, I'm sure it would be better coming from you.


Another iVillage board that might offer some support:


Spouse in Jail/Prison





angels

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2008
Tue, 06-10-2008 - 6:04pm
Thanks for the welcome. I am a very honest person so not telling him makes me feel horrible. On the other hand when he was married from 1980 until 2002 he had a 13 year affair with an older woman! So what can he say? Can HE judge ME? I feel so bad but what can that do for us? Nothing. So I need to rebuild. I need to find faith again and just go on. Thanks for your posts.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-11-2008 - 11:42am

We all make mistakes we'd rather not make. Sometimes things spin out of control and we do things we wish we hadn't. The question here is can you forgive yourself? It's important to do so. Learn from this. Don't drink with anyone, don't do anything again that would compromise your ability to control yourself. Beyond that, there's no reason to compound this error...you don't have to keep beating yourself up over it, or allow it to ruin your marriage. You love your DH and this foolish error does nothing to take away the love you have. It need not ruin your marriage unless you allow it to, and use it to inflict more guilt, pain and punishment upon both of you. No reason to do that. Much better to stay constructive, learn from this, and go forward constructively.


Best wishes,