I don't want to jump the gun on divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
I don't want to jump the gun on divorce
10
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 1:56pm

My husband and I have a 15 month old son. During my pregnancy he cheated on me several times. I was under tremendous stress. We went to counseling. It seemed as though he cleaned up his act. (I keep it bottled up, but I've never gotten over it.)

I recently found out that his credit card debt from cards he had prior to our marriage have not been paid since OCTOBER. We are talking 5 cards with minimum payments of $1500 -$2000 per month. I never questioned these as they were not in my name. Now, I find a $7000 deduction from MY PERSONAL account for online gambling and porn. I've had this account since I was a little girl it's over 20 years old. My savings, that I have an emergency debt card for. I'm pissed. That's a lot of money that I spent a long time saving. Only to have him gamble away. And then the porn?

He's working 4 hours away for the summer. Only to come home on the weekends. He's quite a party animal. Every time I try to call him in the evening he's clearly at the bar. He hangs up immediately. Then his phone is mysteriously turned off. Reminds me of the way he acted when he cheated on me all those times. I'm suppose to be 8 weeks pregnant. I say "suppose to" because I believe I am experiencing a miscarriage. I'm in utter shock. I have an appointment to see my doctor tomorrow.

I have yet to confront my husband. If I do it over the phone he will hang up. He's suppose to be home tonight. I feel like I'm going to physically attack him.

I'm successful in a professional career. The house I live in is paid off and in a upper middle class neighborhood. All of which I made happen before I met him. I never put his name on any accounts or on the house. The BMW and Expedition are mine. He has a beat up truck and that's it.

I guess, my question is. I want a divorce. Does it sound like I have a foundation for wanting one? I truly believe that I stuck with him the last time because I was desperate and pregnant. Not the case this round. I really don't care. I'm doing great on my own. Him being away has been very peaceful.

Maelynn

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 2:26pm

Welcome to the board Maelynn,


I don't think you are jumping the gun on filing for divorce at all. If anything you have waited too long.


Edited to say: I am sorry to hear about your troubles with this pregnancy. I hope everything turns out okay for you. And I would confront him about the $7000 and demand that he repay you for that. How ridiculous of him to take this money from you.





Edited 6/13/2008 2:28 pm ET by cl-ctara19811
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 3:12pm

Welcome to the board maelynn2006,


Your husband has addiction issues - gambling and porn, spending money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 5:03pm

'I never put his name on any accounts or on the house'


Interesting. that just tells me that you knew from day one that you were marrying a child. Why did you do it then?


I think your number one obligation is to be a good role model and provider for your child. If you decide to divorce, be the mature one and work with a lawyer about money and visitation.


Do you live in a no fault state where the name on the mortgage wouldn't matter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 6:28pm

I really appreciate the support here. Thank you.

ciao_gina - interestingly enough, when we married it was HIS idea to keep separate accounts. I really wanted to merge everything, I guess because I thought it would mean we were a team. But I didn't push it. Thankfully I didn't as I still have a chunk of my mothers inheritance that he would have access to. The house however, we were going to sell and then build something new. After the 1st month of marriage I was pregnant. Two weeks after that I found out he had a one night stand (my gut tells me it was a sh!t ton more times than that).

After that I put the brakes on putting his name on the house. It was like the topic never came up.

You're right. I think I knew all along. Just floating through the motions blind.

And I've got 3 appointments for consultations with 3 different attorneys next week. These 3 have hardcore reputations. I'm going to go with 1 I'm sure. I'm just canceling any chance for him to retain the other 2. It would be unethical for them to represent him after a meeting with me.

I'm watching the clock. He's going to be here in 3.5 hours and counting.

Maelynn

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 7:21pm
I hope you will come back and update us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 8:21pm
How did he access your accounts if they are in your name?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2006
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 8:59pm

I have a debit card for that account. I occasionally use it, but we're talking a few times a year. It's like my off limits account. The card sits in a drawer that's attached to a jewelry box.

It's quite easy to make online purchases without having to show I.D. The card has since been canceled. The thing is...he must have written the #'s down as the card is still in it's drawer. He loves to gamble. I know he did it. And the porn? That's totally him. Now if there were books on how be a perfect husband...then I'd be calling the cops trying to figure out who stole my card.

I'm getting legal advice next week. I've set it up.

Maelynn

The count down begins...he's about 2 hours away.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Fri, 06-13-2008 - 10:13pm
No you are not jumping the gun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2005
Sat, 06-14-2008 - 12:47pm
Maelynn I am actually jealous of the financial situation you are in. If I was in that same predictament I would be gone TOMORROW!! If I were you I would file for divorce, change the locks on the house, demand he pay you back the $7000 and also request he be ordered to also pay your attorney fees and wait till he gets hit with the child support payments. I am so sorry you are going through the miscarriage and I know people don't like to hear this but truly maybe there was a reason behind it and maybe its because God didn't want you to have to take more on so you can leave this poor excuse of a husband and father. ((Hugs)) I wish you all the best.
Carrie
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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-16-2008 - 1:42pm

Yes you certainly have grounds for a divorce. His behavior is frightening..it does sound as though he is partying, gambling, involved with porn. This is a sick man who needs help. He needs to realize that he's out of control in many ways - and certainly you should not have to pay the price for that - the financial price or the emotional price either. The only possible way to save this marriage would be if he were really, truly willing to grow up, take responsibility for his behavior, acknowledge that he has addictions (to gambling and porn for starter), and get really serious professional help. It doesn't sound as if he were in that place at all. You can let him know that his behavior is totally unacceptable to you, and the only way you'll stay together is if he goes for a "lot" of therapy, recovery work, etc. (Take care of yourself and your