peter pan complex?
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| Sun, 06-15-2008 - 9:48am |
I've been on several dates over the past month with a guy who is 35 and works as a part-time prof at a local college. It's dawned on me recently that he seems to have more than a professional relationship with some of his students. Not that he's dating any of them, but that he's buddies with a lot of them (both male and female.) One night he told me he was going out to dinner with a few of them before they left town. Another night he went out with a group of them to celebrate the end of the term. It also seems like some of them text message him a lot. What's raised my concern most of all here is that he's 35 and these students of his are 20-22. From what I recall from my own college days, most of my profs steered clear of socializing with students outside of class, even if they were the younger "hip" profs. Even with a really small, more intimate class, they'd keep everything professional and distant. You'd hear stories about profs having dinner parties at their houses once in a while, but neither me nor my friends ever considered any of them "buddies" or called them to discuss anything but school work.
I'm not sure what to make of this-- from what I gather this guy is very gregarious and has all kinds of friends from all walks of life. I've asked him about his other friends and it seems to me like most of his friends his age have already moved away or married and have kids. But this whole hanging out with the students thing, it makes me wonder if he's got a peter pan complex in that he feels comfortable with the younger crowd that isn't talking about marriage and babies yet.

It seems that one of your concerns is that you two have different goals. You are asking us if he is ready to settle down anytime soon but why not ask him? Ask him if he is dating to have fun or to eventually find a wife.
The student thing is a bit much. One end of the semester celebration seems appropriate. But hanging out on a regular basis isn't. I think that is more of a problem than anything.
He said that he does want a serious relationship and wants to get married eventually. But yeah, the student thing irks me. I mean, at this stage of my life at the age of 32 I feel a lot more comfortable hanging around men and women my own age, not college kids. Teaching them is one thing, but having them text message you the way friends do is a bit much for me. I tend to believe that who a person chooses to keeps company with says a lot about them, know what I mean? and I think if I was 22 and my 35 year old prof wanted to hang out with me and my friends instead of with his girlfriend or other friends his age I'd think he was a bit unusual or wonder why he wants to spend time with people a generation younger than him.
Just because he doesn't do things exactly your way doesn't mean he is wrong.
Communication styles have fundamentally changed over the past few years.
His behavior is unusual, socializing with students...in fact, I wonder whether this is permitted in many universities? However, one cannot really say he has a Peter Pan complex without knowing him better. Keep your eyes open. You've only had a few dates...if he does have this complex, if he simply wants to be young and not take on responsibility or committment, it will come out in many ways. Check to see if he keeps his word, is on time, calls when he says he will? You can detect this by being mindful of the ways in which he acts with you.
All good wishes,
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