Distance in the Marriage
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| Mon, 06-23-2008 - 1:02pm |
I have a problem but need a solution. I am tired of fighting, crying, and not moving forward.
I married an amazing man after 4 years of dating. Things were great until we moved to a new apartment because of a change in his job. I missed our old place, hated my new commute, and blamed him everyday. He did NOTHING wrong, and I take complete responsibility for being selfish and destructive in our marriage. It was the first real compromise I had to make and I failed miserably.
Selfishly, I punished him by staying at work later, hanging out with friends over him, and not giving him affection or attention at home. I hid behind work and blamed him for just about everything. He would wait on the couch for me to get home, bored out of his mind. After all the waiting, he decided stop waiting, and started living his own life as well. He stopped asking about weekend plans, or how my work was, or details of my life. There came a point where it hit me that we had grown apart.
3-4 months ago, we finally sat down after sevral fights and came to the realization that there was a huge amount of distance between us and that the spark was gone. This has devastated us, especially since we were both the center of our lives. We are both intensely depressed and saddened by this, especially since we have now become more open about what has happened (as opposed to just pretending everything is okay). I have madfe a committment to change and have grown a lot (agreed to stay instead of moving us back to our old place, have become more supportive of what he wants in his career, embraced his family), but still get stuck in sabotage behavior.
We don't know how to get it back. We may have 2 or 3 days on the right track, and either I will sabotage by causing a fight or demanding attention

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In your talks, has counseling even come up as an option. It seems to be the perfect answer for two people who want to stay together but can't seem to figure it out for themselves.
It has come up, but he is resistant. He feels that we can get through this if we can just stop fighting long enough to have fun again.
I respect his wishes and feel like pushing it may make things worse. I have a tendency of telling him how to be in order for us to get closer, which has been ineffective on several levels:)
I guess I need to focus on being my best self instead of trying to fix him. I need to figure out how to have happiness and hope (even in the little things) during this tough time.
I suppose I need strategies on how not to sabotage this relationship further.
Welcome to the board lemoncupcake,
Since he doesn't want to go to counseling (which might help in the shortest amount of time) consider some of these:
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman
Welcome to the board lemoncupcake,
What about taking a weekend trip away and reconnecting with each other. Plan something relaxing where you can be with each other and relax and have fun.
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There is something really nice about feeling supported by you all, even if I don't know any of you. It's been a lonely road and I already feel so much more supported and empowered.
He is
I'm actually using this as a semi-blog, largely because it is therapeutic. i got through a day of being kind, loving, and giving. It was actually fruitful in that we didn't fight and had a few moments of connection. Your words of support are lifting and I actually feel like we can get through this with a lot of faith and behavior modification.
The distance is hard though. i have started praying for strength which I think is what I need the most. And faith that this time will pass.
He seems so depressed though at times. He isn't sleeping so well. In the middle of the night, he grabbed for me and held on to me almost like a child. I wondered if he was semi-asleep. It made me realize that he does love me and need me, but he is so hurt. I think there are times where he wants to open himself up and be vulnerable, but is scared to be knocked down by anger/resentment...
Has anyone else gone through this? Changing is difficult, but he is worth it. It actually felt good to button my lips and take care of him. I read Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" and actually laughed and wept in shock as to how much it rang true to my own story. I wouldn't reccommend it to everyone, but I found it very useful.
Did you try or talk about group sex?
I know that it did help some couple to fix their problems!
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