I Have no one else to ask

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
I Have no one else to ask
6
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 5:24pm
My future husband and I have been living together since school has gotten out this year. But because of our money issues being college students we had to move to his parents house. Since we have been here all we do is fight. His sister doesn't help. She tells me things that I had no idea about, and was not ready for. Like his anger issues, that I can handle. But she also told me that he wears women thongs. I cannot handle that, and I told him I cannot handle it. And then he puts me into a guilt trip about how hes just too much to handle. And to top it off, he goes to porn websites all the time on my computer. This runs in his family since someone else in his family has almost gotten divorced because of his addiction to internet porn.
I should have seen the signs before. He always tries to get me to wear thongs, and there would be times were we would not even have any sex and he would wear jeans to bed and ugh, the whole time he was wearing them and never told me.
How do I could not deal with the fact that the MAN I love to death and would do anything for wears woman's thongs? How can I talk to him about it without getting him upset, and most of all is it possible to get him to stop? I suggested that we together see someone because I also have a server depression, and this whole thing is just making it worse.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 5:50pm

You need to break up with him. He's obviously not the right guy for you. You want to talk him out of doing things that hurt you and are definite deal-breakers for you, but you need to see that he does the things he does because they represent the person he is. You may be able to temporarily take away the behaviors but you will never abolish what they signify. The best you could possibly hope to come out in this situation is for him to become more adept at hiding his personality. Or resenting you enough to leave. But I think that would be better.

Later on in life you will see just how big a bullet you dodged.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 7:45pm

has he explained to you why he wears women's thongs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2008
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 8:18pm

That's a really tough situation...


I am sorry you are dealing with this.


On the bright side, you have not exchanged vows and still have the opportunity to really examine if these issues are "dealbreakers." I completely agree with Eggbert...


If this is a huge part of who he is and a huge part of his sexual identity, at this age it will likely never change. It is important to clearly define the ROOT of these issues so that you understand if morally and ethically you can deal with his fetishes and tendencies. If they are not, then you are not a bad person for needing something different in a life partner. Keep in mind that the man you marry will likely also father your children.


I hope this helps

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 06-23-2008 - 10:58pm

Welcome to the board orangandgreen,


While it's a shock to you to learn all this stuff about him, you can't hide from it now that you know about it - possible porn addiction, wearing women's thongs, anger issues... these things will not go away on their own and if you know anything about addictions, getting rid of one, most often gives rise to another one.


No you can't get him to change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 3:00pm

Welcome to the board,


This just doesn't seem like the right relationshp for you. You should love him and accept him for who he is. You don't seem to be able to do this now knowing the new things that you know, and that is your choice. Sorry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2008
Tue, 06-24-2008 - 4:43pm
I think you meant this for the original poster.