need help, advise

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
need help, advise
8
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 11:53am

hi, my bf and i been going out for 2yrs. within this 2yrs our relationship has gone thru a lot. including lying, cheating and heart breaks. we patched things up and tried to work it out.


it was going ok when we got back together which is about a year now. since i met him, he loves to work out. when we got back. he stopped working out to be with me and to work our relationship.


when he went back to the gym. it was hard for me, mainly because i was afraid he might cheat again. to make a long story short. i know in my heart, at that time, that he really is at the gym and working out.


at the beginning, he was supposed to only work out 1hr a day, escalted to 1.5 then 2hrs now more than 2hrs. lately, we have been fighting and arguing because of his work out schedule. you see, there are times that he gets off late at work past 6 or sometimes past 7 he still works out. i dont have a problem with that. all i asked from him is to try to schedule his work out with me. i dont work out. so i just asked for him to be home earlier and spend time with me. most of the time he gets home past 9. i go to bed at 10. i want "quality" time and his not proving that for me becuase i works out late. im not asking him to stop working out. he works out 6x a week, 2+hrs a day. all i get is one day in a week, 4x a month with him. we do live together but by the time he gets home im already tired and ready for bed. he said why cant i stay up past 10 so i can spend time with him.


i told him that its not that, all i asked is for him to try to cut him time at the gym in some days and be with me. he refuses to. he said that workig

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 12:01pm

Why not join the gym with him?


If you are miserable and have broken up several times then maybe it is time to end this relationship. Do you really think that what you have is better then not having a relationship? Don't you feel alone anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 12:09pm

This doesn't sound like the right relationship for you. You'd be better off breaking up and dealing with the pain now then prolonging the inevitable and dealing with more pain later. When is your lease up? Are both your names on it? Can one of you move out now?

I think the real issue is that you two are not compatible -- and not because he works out.
It sounds like the working out issue has just become a proxy for the real problems.

On the working out point, no one should have to give up (or compromise on) something that is very important to them in order to make a relationship work -- the right relationship will allow each individual to flourish individually and together.

Best of luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 12:53pm

I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like all the lies and cheating that you mentioned and everything you guys went through was never delt with and so all these feelings are coming back onto the surface, hence the reason you guys broke up the first time. Just because you guys had time apart, doesn't mean the second time around is going to be different if you guys didn't deal with the problem. I did sense a little distrust in your post, so I am wondering if that has something to do with it too.


I think you should end this relationship because you are not getting the time you want and it doesn't seem like you guys are on the same page. Working out is important to him, and you can't ask him to give that up to spend time with you. If he really loved you, he would make time and it doesn't seem like he is making the time. You guys are fighting all day everyday, and you say you don't even talk. It's time to walk away, make yourself stronger, and find someone that wants to spend all his free time with you and are willing to compromise on schedules, time, ect.


Even if he did give up one or two days of working out, I don't think it would be enough for you because I think there are underlying problems with you guys that were never delt with. I think it's time to move on and get yourself happier. I just don't think he cares anymore.


Sara

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 06-25-2008 - 2:05pm

Welcome to the board sascha2008,


Consider this: get busy with your life (a life for you) that is full and rich that doesn't rely on him coming home to spend time with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 3:09pm

i went to the gym with him, he got irritated when i started asking him to show me how to use the machines. he said that im interrupting his work out. and when i do go see him what his doing, he yells at me and tell me to stop monitoring him. im not just wanted to see what kind of work out his he doing thats all.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 3:14pm

i understand no one has to compramise something that they love to do just to work a relatioship out. but 6x a week, 2-3hours a day, for me is a little excessive. he leaves for work at 7 doesnt get home between 930-10pm. by the time he gets home im already tired and ready for bed. so where is my time with him? the day that he doesnt work out? which is only once a week? only 4x a month? thats all i get from a guy that im living with? im not asking him to give it up, al li ask is to maybe work less once or twice a month and spend time with me.


thats all i ask from him and i dont think im asking too much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 3:26pm

thanks for the reply sara.


i am ending the relationship. i found a place of my own and will be moving hopefully this weekend.


not only that i have problems with him working out. last night i listened to his vm and a girl left him a vm at 945pm! very very flirty and called late at night. her vm was something like this: hey Tom, sorry i missed your call. i was having dinner with my mom and my stepdad. if you want you can call me back unless your already sleeping... i could not think straight when i heard her vm. i have soo many questions. who is this bitch?! why is she calling late at night, whey does she have to give him details about her dinner and doesnt she know he has a girlfriend?!


i confronted him, he said the never spoke with her and never called her last night. i say BS! basing the vm, it sounded like they've been talking before last night.


for me, no person would call a girl or guy late at night if she knows he is involve with someone. i know i would never do that. thats just disrespectful. i dont think he told her that he has a girlfriend, otherwise, i dont think she would call him at all or flirt with him...


he said that he met her thru a "friend of a friend" that friend is a co-worker of his. if its his co-workers friend then why say "a friend of a friend"?! why not just say shes my coworkers friend? right? his totally lying to me! supposedly this girl is looking for a job. they have a position open in his department but not in the same category. i told him why cant your coworker ask someone that works in that category and has more knowledge about the position than you?! he said that his friend might have given her his phone number. now, if she is just an accquantance/ a friend of a friend then why would she call late at night?! why would she talk hecka flirty on the phone?!


i heard the vm. i caught him. he may not be physically with her but the fact that he called her, entertained her calls and didnt tell her that he has a girlfriend at the same time, flirting with her, thats crossing the line to me. thats disrespectful.


he keeps denying it. he keeps telling me that he never called her last night and never spoke to her on the phone. he keeps saying whats the big deal and why am i making a big deal out of it and why cant i just drop it and do not move out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2008
Fri, 06-27-2008 - 4:01pm

You hit it right on the money. He got his hand caught in the cookie jar and now he is desperate to fix it! No respectable

Sara

"Seek to understand and you will be understood"